The Twilight Fervor

The Twilight fervor seems to be heating up again with the release of the next movie in the Twilight saga. What isn’t being talked about though is its potentially negative effects on relationships.

After seeing this disturbing Twilight parody music video, and hearing about “Twilight Moms” and such on Oprah, it seemed necessary to comment on the Twilight phenomenon, and it’s detrimental effects on marriages.

What may begin as harmless fun or a little escapism from the rigors of real life can easily become an obsession–especially if there is a void in one’s life that is hankering to be filled.

If the connection in marriage is already weak, and there is little happening to nourish it, filling the void with a fantasy is an easy snare to slip into.

For today’s “desperate housewives” it may be fun to feed the fantasy of a man who’s every breath is focused on her protection and his own self-restraint, all the while being extremely dangerous. His obsessed adoration may be a turn on, but the reality is that real men have a real life with other responsibilities. It’s not all about you.

I can only imagine how husbands of “Twi-hards” might be feeling about their wife’s Twilight fixation. Most men can handle a passing heart palpitation or two for the hunk on the big screen, but beyond that it can be a bit of a slap in the face.

And seeing the kids of so-called “Twilight Moms” say that their mom loves “Edward” or “Jacob” more than them is a sad commentary on how Twilight can affect family life as well.

It’s quite astounding to hear of grown women–mothers no less–spending so much time and attention on all things Twilight.

Women caught in the Twilight fervor may not even be aware that it has become obsessive. They may need to ask themselves how much time and energy they are spending thinking about Twilight-related things in a given day? If someone where to ask their husband or children about Twilight, what would they say?

It might be a good idea to ask your husband or kids what they think about Twilight if you do happen to be a big Twilight fan. They will likely be able to provide some perspective.

What’s the Big Deal? Where’s the Danger?

Some might ask, “What’s the big deal? Where’s the danger in a little Twilight obsession? One of the biggest issues with Twilight is that it paints an unrealistic picture of what love and relationships are all about.

Other concerns include the time wasted that could be better spent, and how it may be weakening relationships.

The love between Bella and Edward is so intense and obsessive in its own right that it can imprint our minds with what love is or “should be.” That makes for pretty impossible expectations for a real-life husband (or boyfriend–for the young women also obsessed with Twilight) to meet.

How can any real man compare to the fantasy? An over-abundance of chick flicks or other romance novels can have the same effect.

Husbands may become even less motivated to please their wives if they know they are competing with a fantasy–it’s a contest they can’t win. Most men won’t even try.

It makes for a vicious cycle of a woman feeling unloved–making her more susceptible to the Twilight fantasy, and the husband being less likely to even try to connect with her.

It’s comparable to an obsession a husband may have with pornography. The more he indulges the less she wants anything to do with him, which makes him feel even more rejected and more susceptible to the fantasy world of pornography.

Wives can’t compete with that fantasy either.

Another potential danger is simply the time and energy spent on something other than one’s spouse and family, or other worthwhile endeavors. It’s an opportunity cost.

If you’re reading the books or watching Twilight movies all day you can’t be spending quality time with your husband and/or kids. It’s not just the woman that gushes about seeing the movies 300 times that may be creating a negative effect in her family.

Time and energy spent on any addiction or compulsive behavior is inherently self-centered, which feeds the obsession itself. Getting outside yourself and refocusing on the welfare of others can help break any obsessive behavior.

It’s also a pretty cool gift for a husband to see renewed attention and affection when it had previously been going to Edward or Jacob.

One last danger of a Twilight obsession is that relationships can be weakened. Those that are most susceptible to getting caught up in the Twilight drama are those who likely already have weaker relationships. A Twilight obsession is likely to be an additional means of weakening the marriage further.

I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband were to become obsessed with Megan Fox or anything having to do with Angelina Jolie, even just for fun. It definitely wouldn’t help the relationship, and would more likely become a constant source of frustration and resentment.

The Effects on the Intimate Relationship

Given the work I do with couples in their intimate/sexual relationships, I can see how particularly damaging a “Twilight Crush” can be in a marriage. Many men long to have their wives feel affectionate–even sexy–toward them.

When a husband sees his wife enthralled with a fantasy man, but rarely feels such attention from her himself it can be rather disheartening.

Women are wired for emotional connection, so they are more than happy to bask in the eager anticipation, and the mental and emotional longing that a romance novel or obsession with a book or movie character can provide.

For some women the extra thrill is that the psychological excitement can be a pleasure in its own right without it having to lead to “other things.”

This is why women are more often accused of a bait and switch after marriage when their premarital teasing and flirty behavior can now lead to “other things.” Some husbands complain of finding a less-than-affectionate wife after marriage when she was previously very affectionate and even sexy towards him.

Because of women’s sexual wiring they can be quite content to linger in a state of mental and emotional arousal created by a Twilight fantasy without it going further in the sexual cycle.

This may also be one of the reasons women get away with a Twilight addiction more than men can get away with a pornography problem.

Potential Marital Benefits from Twilight

Some women swear that Twilight has improved their sex lives. What they may not realize is that anytime a woman reads a book or does something that encourages her to think romantic thoughts more often it has the potential of increasing her sexual desire and activity–particularly when that desire is taken into her marital bedroom.

Twilight books or movies can stoke a woman’s intimate fires for her husband if she were to direct those energies towards her spouse. Rather than feeding the frenzy and obsessing about Twilight to fit in with one’s girlfriends, thinking romantically about one’s husband throughout the day and night could instead nourish the marriage.

Putting your husband’s face on the romantic scenarios you play over and over in your mind can keep the focus where it should be–on your husband! Looking at your spouse the way you would look into the eyes of your fantasy man, and nourishing intimate thoughts about your spouse are other helpful behaviors to strengthen the intimate relationship in marriage.

The stirred up excitement created by Twilight can actually provide a spark for your own marriage if you will direct the thoughts and emotions toward the man you already have–and can actually hold.

If Twilight obsessed women would direct even half of their intimate and erotic energies towards their husbands and the real-life fantasy available to them, their marriage relationship would be greatly strengthened and become infinitely more satisfying.

Click here for Laura’s previous article on Twilight — Edward, Self-Mastery and The Marital Fire

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, relationship consultant, and host of the online “Marital Intimacy Show.”

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

© Copyright 2010 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Carrie Prejean, Miss California USA, gave an honest answer to a politically charged pageant question more than three weeks ago, and has been viciously attacked ever since.

I’ve been appalled and disgusted by all who have sought to ruin the life and reputation of one who chose to voice her honest and widely held, yet “politically incorrect” opinion about the nature of marriage.

It warms my heart to see her courage and conviction in the face of such an overwhelming onslaught of contempt. Her experience has encouraged and inspired me immensely to continue to stand firm for marriage.

I am heartened to hear of the hundreds and thousands of people who have offered their support for Carrie and her views during the character assassination she has regrettably had to endure.

It’s unfortunate that we have had to learn from Carrie’s experience that intolerance for Christian or conservative beliefs runs rampant. It’s interesting that such a level of intolerance even exists given the ardent pursuit of “tolerance” championed by the left.

We have seen that an outright effort to search and destroy often takes place when religiously based views are publicly expressed. That critics would stoop to the depths of digging up dirt from Carrie’s parents’ divorce is unconscionable.

Defenders of Marriage Need Not be Perfect

Carrie Prejean is not perfect. None of us are. She’s done some things I don’t necessarily agree with. But, let’s be clear that defenders of marriage or any other religious belief need not be perfect to speak up or stand up for that which they believe is right and good for society.

I’ve said it before that I’m not a big fan of pageants or modeling, as I believe they increase the chances of having to compromise one’s standards and beliefs. It’s not a career choice for those concerned about modesty.

But this notion held by some that those who profess religious beliefs must somehow be perfect in order to express an opinion is an unacceptable standard that must be rejected outright.

Carrie was unwittingly forced into a public firestorm after expressing her sincere belief that marriage is the union of a man and a woman. (Incidentally, expressing one’s opinion is still a constitutional right in this country, though it will be seriously weakened if so-called “gay marriage” advocates have their way.)

It’s quite telling that you simply never see anything like the kind of attack Carrie has endured when the comments voiced are left leaning.

Thankfully many have risen to the occasion to offer support even amidst Carrie’s mistakes of the past. Maybe other young women will learn that posing for any questionable photos is not a good idea.

Still Standing Strong

In a press conference on May 12, 2009 Miss California, Carrie Prejean, shared some of her story since standing up for marriage:

Being at the center of a media firestorm is not something that I had planned or signed up for. But the days since have taught me to stand up for what you believe in regardless of the consequences, personal attacks, or disagreements…. I am not an activist, or anything, nor do I have a personal agenda. I was thrown into this firestorm from the time I was asked the question on stage. I have become an advocate for the importance of not redefining marriage based upon my own upbringing and beliefs. While I am not the most vocal proponent of traditional marriage, it appears that by my singular response I have become the most visible.

Carrie went on to say, “Young adults and teenagers are greatly impacted by both media and culture, and I want to encourage them to maintain their integrity and not concede their values because of what they see or hear going on around them.”

Never Back Down

Carrie went on to tearfully express her pride in America and her appreciation for those who have fought for her freedom of speech (which has been under attack):

I am proud to be an American. I am proud of the freedoms we enjoy because of the brave men and women serving this great country and who have served. My grandfather served under General Patton during World War II and is someone I admire greatly…. He did speak about the freedoms he fought for, and taught me to never back down and never let anyone take those freedoms away from you. On April 19 on that stage I exercised my freedom of speech, and I was punished for doing so. This should not happen in America. It undermines the Constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought.

Although her life has been significantly altered since that fateful question weeks ago, Carrie Prejean expressed her newfound understanding of the purpose of the nasty experiences she has endured since speaking in support of marriage.

She has been strengthened by the ordeal, and has developed a passionate conviction for encouraging us all to stand for our values and beliefs. She stated:

I am convinced now more than ever of the importance of standing up for your beliefs and convictions. For everyone out there listening—Do not be silenced! Take this story of mine and apply it to your own life. I hope I have inspired others to maintain compassion, civility, respect and tolerance while staying true to your convictions, and to never, ever compromise your beliefs in the pursuit of his or her own goals—regardless of the consequences.

We Can Agree to Disagree

In her closing comments, Carrie Prejean made another great point suggesting that we all show respect for each other’s differing views, and simply agree to disagree on the issue of marriage. She said, “Think about how much better out society would be if we could just agree to disagree and show respect.”

In all my study and pondering on the subject thus far, simply agreeing to disagree seems to be the only viable option.

Contrary to some opinions, standing up for marriage has nothing to do with “hatred” toward anyone, and everything to do with a belief in marriage and it’s vital role in raising children and sustaining civil society. This is not about being against anyone or anything. It’s about being for marriage.

Why Marriage Matters

A well-known media personality recently commented on how public opinion had significantly shifted on a politically charged issue in favor of the conservative perspective. He noted that it was because of constant effort to teach the truth about the issue.

Taking the time to reinforce the importance of and truth about marriage allows hearts and minds to be proactively influenced for good. Protecting the definition of marriage holds within its grasp the keys to protecting our freedom to speak and our freedom to live by our religious beliefs.

The marriage debate often gets muddled with a lot of secondary distraction. So, I reiterate here what’s at stake in the marriage debate. The issue is threefold:

1. Marriage is a sacred institution for rearing children. It is not up for redefinition.
2. Freedom of speech is at stake.
3. Freedom of religion is under attack.

Marriage as a sacred institution. Marriage is a sacred institution instituted by God for the procreation and ideal rearing of children by a biological mother and father. As it states in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” “Marriage between man and woman is essential to [God's] eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”

Marriage is the best method for raising healthy, happy and well-adjusted children even though we all fall short of perfection in marriage and parenting. The definition of marriage—divinely designed by God—is not up for human redefinition. People may have the right to live as they choose, but they don’t have the right to redefine marriage for the rest of us.

Freedom of Speech. As Carrie Prejean’s chilling experience so well illustrates, one’s belief in God’s design for marriage puts you at risk of being silenced in the public arena. If marriage were to be officially redefined, we might all be accused of “hate-speech” in speaking out for traditional marriage. It’s already been happening around us.

On the side of teaching children, you can bet that our children will be taught that a man and a man or a woman and a woman (or whatever combination they come up with next) will be an acceptable alternative to a husband and wife. The inevitable message will be sent that a father or a mother is unnecessary and/or unimportant in raising children if same-gender couples become redefined as equal to a mother and a father.

Freedom of Religion. According to the National Organization of Marriage (NOM) prominent religious liberty scholars have warned that any legislation changing the definition of marriage to include same-sex couples would weaken religious liberty.

Imagine a Christian minister being forced to perform a same-sex ceremony against his beliefs. Religious beliefs supporting traditional marriage would no longer be sufficient protection.

For a country founded on the freedom to worship and live by religious principles, religious freedom must be protected.

Fear Not

In watching the ongoing drama surrounding Miss California and the issue of marriage, it has at times seemed disheartening. The hate and contempt displayed has been astounding.

Although the battleground for marriage may seem particularly rancorous at times, I take comfort and direction from the scripture, “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them” (2 Kings 6:16).

The issue surrounding marriage is not just about two individuals and their private lives. It’s about the future for our children, for civilization, and for our freedom of speech and religion. The issue of marriage has become Satan’s latest battleground to weaken marriage, family and society.

I join Carrie Prejean in her call to stand for marriage, and never back down. We must not ever allow ourselves to be silenced. What’s at stake is simply too great.

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VIDEO – May 12, 2009 Press Conference with Carrie Prejean

For more information:

• VIDEO – Miss California, Carrie Prejean, in her own words at the May 12, 2009 press conference.
• VIDEO – Check out this video illustration of the Left’s “Shut Up” approach.
• ARTICLE – Click here to read Laura’s previous article on this subject, “Taking the Heat for Marriage.”
• ARTICLE — “How Carrie Prejean Can Help Save America”
• RESOURCE – To learn more about protecting marriage, visit the National Organization of Marriage.

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

© Copyright 2009 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Equality means that any man and woman who wants to marry can do so. Any other combinations are going to have to find something else to call it, since “marriage” is already taken. Marriage was defined and created by God. It’s not up for human redefinition.

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Miss California recently got caught up in a heated controversy about marriage when answering an interview question during the Miss USA pageant. I’m not a big fan of beauty pageants, but I’m now a big fan of Carrie Prejean who stood up for marriage!

One judge, an openly gay celebrity, asked Miss California the question of whether she believes “same-sex” marriage should be available in every state. She responded that she did not. She said, “In my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised.”

Way to go Carrie! And way to go to Carrie’s parents as well for teaching her about the sacredness of marriage, and helping her develop the character and integrity to stand up for it.

Many believe her answer cost her the Miss USA crown. That’s an incredibly sad reflection on what we’ve become in America. That marriage is even a controversial issue means we’ve already traveled way too far down this road.

As a marriage strengthening advocate, I’m all for supporting those who are willing to take the heat for the divine institution of marriage. The knives are out in full force against Miss California, Carrie Prejean, and they are always extremely vocal.

Hopefully those of us who believe in marriage have now found our voice and the courage to stand with Carrie and others like her. Carrie Prejean does not stand alone. Many others like me are in full support of her courageous comments.

It’s getting to seem that the only response Christians or conservatives ever get in our society is the Left’s plea to “Shut Up!” I hope we never will. (Check out this great video illustration of the Left’s “Shut Up” approach.)

There is a way to satisfy our competing beliefs about marriage. I was particularly impressed by the wisdom of a gay individual that posted the following comment on one of the news story blogs. He wrote:

I’m gay… and I do not believe there should be any outrage over her comments regarding gay marriage. The pageant judge asked what she thought. She is entitled to her opinion. Just as those who want gay marriage are entitled to theirs. Too much gets put on this topic. Too many in the gay community are hung on this redefinition of marriage. Tell me again why a religious institution has to redefine itself because you feel entitled to its rewards? Civil unions carry the same legal weight and are more than sufficient for those of us needing the legal aspects of our relationships satisfied.

In reading many of the other comments, equality seems to be the buzzword used by those who seek to redefine the institution of marriage. Equality is certainly getting skewered in this context.

Equality means that any man and woman who wants to marry can do so. Any other combinations are going to have to find something else to call it, since “marriage” is already taken.

Marriage was defined and created by God. It’s not up for human redefinition.

For more on this story:

• ARTICLE — Miss California Sparks Furor on Miss USA Telecast
• ARTICLE — Carrie Prejean Says ‘God Was Testing My Faith’ With Gay Marriage Question
• ARTICLE — Miss California Finds Her New Cause
• ARTICLE — Miss California to Launch Campaign Against Gay Marriage

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, video clips:

• VIDEO — Miss California answers the infamous question
• VIDEO — Carrie Prejean speaks with Matt Lauer on the Today Show for the 2nd time

Click here to read the full version of this article:

Taking the Heat for Marriage, Mormon Times

Taking the Heat for Marriage—Miss California and the Rest of Us, Meridian Magazine

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

© Copyright 2009 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Male Sexual Socialization

In doing some research, I stumbled onto some fascinating insights about men and their sexual socialization.

With the advent of Viagra-type products, there is an increasingly reductionistic and medicalized focus on the sexual functioning of body parts while ignoring the relational aspects of sexuality.

The trend to medicalize sexuality and reduce problems to body parts feeds into the cultural phenomenon of boys and men being socialized to be disconnected from their emotions, limiting their capacity for intimate communication and connection.

Nonrelational Sexuality

The common socialization pattern for young men is a limited expression of caring and connecting emotions, creating significant deficits in their development of emotional empathy. This is reinforced by the objectifying of women, and of associating sex with the feeling of lust without any requirements for effective or healthy relating to the individual.

This “nonrelational sexuality” not only objectifies women, but teaches men to view women as mere instruments in meeting their sexual needs. Unfortunately, some women also buy into this distorted perspective, allowing their worth to be determined by their sexuality.

The Centerfold Syndrome

The name of this cultural phenomenon is “The Centerfold Syndrome.” It is understood as a dysfunctional constellation of attitudes and behaviors representing a pervasive distortion in the way men are taught and reinforced in their relating to women and sexuality. Five problematic components of the Centerfold Syndrome include:

1. Voyeurism — an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship.
2. Objectification of women — an obsessive focus on body parts and the rating of women by size and shape.
3. Sex for masculinity validation — having one’s manliness and self-worth tied up in one’s sexual prowess.
4. Trophyism — treating women as collectibles and property.
5. Fear of intimacy — an inability to get beyond airbrushed sexualized images of women in order to have a real relationship.

Counteracting the Effects of the Centerfold Syndrome

It is easy to see how such cultural conditioning and the ingesting of pornography can have a seriously detrimental effect on intimate relationships.

Fortunately as men become aware of this conditioning, and are able to identify it’s influence in their own lives, they can then begin to counteract the distortions with corrected and empathic understanding of women and an understanding of the divine designs of sexuality as a relational experience.

One therapist let me know that he uses my book And They Were Not Ashamed as required reading for the men in his therapy groups to help them restore emotional empathy for women and their sexual perspectives. He said the book has also helped men gain a new understanding of the divine designs of sexuality in marriage.

Sexual issues in marriage must be seen in this broader context of the interpersonal nature of sex rather than as simply being about needing a pill, for instance, to improve one’s erection. A pill will do nothing for the relational ecstasy available in lovemaking if there is an absence of emotional connection.

As men also enhance their capacity for sensuality beyond their sexual senses, and develop greater emotional intelligence, they will be more capable of communicating and connecting intimately and enjoying the exquisite bliss it can afford.

References

Brooks, G. R., & Levant, R. F. (2006). Is Viagra Enough? Broadening the conceptual lens in sex therapy with (heterosexual) men: A case report. International Journal of Men’s Health, 5(2), 207-215.

The Centerfold Syndrome (http://www.protectkids.com/effects/centerfold.htm)

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2009 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Exquisite efforts at self-mastery coupled with a willingness to protect rather than destroy make Edward Cullen an easy object of admiration. I’m inspired by what his character traits could add to our lives, and how it could strengthen our marriages.

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Edward Cullen of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight fame has captured many hearts and minds. I’m not a big fiction buff myself, especially when it comes to things like vampires. But there is definitely something profound for young and old, male and female alike to learn from Edward Cullen.

As a marriage educator, I’m all about strengthening marriages, so after reading a recent article titled, “What Girls Want: An Edward” it got me thinking about how important some of Edward’s character traits are, not only for our youth going through the potentially treacherous teen years, but for those of us who have moved on into marriage as well.

Admiration of Edward Cullen

There’s no shortage of swooning young women who think Edward is all that, but I wonder if the adoration isn’t less about his mysterious eyes and swoopy hair and more about what he is willing to do (and be) for his beloved Bella. Edward Cullen epitomizes self-restraint and mastery over self.

Edward’s nature (as a vampire) is to eat Bella for dinner. But instead he has incredulously taken on the task of her guardian and protector. It’s like a lion falling in love with a lamb. Thankfully for Bella, Edward comes from a family who has not only taught him to control his deadly appetite, but helps him do so as well.

Though I have not read the Twilight books, I did go see the movie when I began writing this article. What has me so enthralled with Edward’s character is his sacrifice and self-discipline, especially because it goes so against his natural wiring.

When Bella asked Edward why he has chosen the path that he has, he responded that he doesn’t want to be a monster — apparently regardless of the formidable cost to him.

Curiously, he acknowledges finding strength in the self-restraint, even though he is never fully satisfied.

I can only imagine how Bella or any young woman would see such a personal sacrifice being made on her behalf. If that isn’t breathtakingly attractive, then I don’t know what is.

It’s little surprise to me that when Edward asks Bella, “Do you trust me?” there is no hesitation. How could you not willingly give your whole life and anything else he wanted, knowing full well he would never take or do anything that would hurt you?

With a level of character and commitment seldom seen, Edward reminds himself, and Bella as well, that he can never lose control with her, as it would be simply deadly.

Parental Engagement

To me, the most poignant part of the movie was when Edward, with his father at his side, had to take on the impossible task of saving Bella’s life by sucking the venom out of her without taking too much of her blood. I felt cautiously comforted knowing the father was there, attentive to the inordinate challenge that Edward faced.

Lucky for Edward (and Bella), Edward’s father was on hand with his experience, strength, and wisdom at a critical juncture. He was there to implore Edward to resist once Bella’s life had been spared.

My heart stopped beating as the immensity of Edward’s predicament and the father’s words penetrated my heart, “Enough! Remember who you are. Stop, Edward! Find the will to stop!”

What an incredible force for good would exist if our young men would take on the task of mastering their appetites and passions, and to stand strong in their rightful place as guardians of virtue and moral protectors.

How much easier the task would be if parents would actively engage themselves in helping their sons develop such self-mastery.

Parents and youth are not alone in such a tremendous undertaking. This kind of self-mastery, unselfishness, and trustworthiness are possible only with a conscious and constant partnership with God.

Society likes to tell us that boys will be boys, and men cannot help themselves, while assigning women the responsibility of protecting virtue. That is not God’s plan.

Particularly in the case of youth, young women often do not yet fully grasp the power of the sex drive, nor their role in its cultivation in young men. They need the experience and wisdom of their parents to safely guide them.

Parents play a vital role not only in helping young men master their God-given desires, but also in helping young women not to detract from that effort or make it needlessly more difficult.

Self-Mastery and The Marital Fire

The characteristics of self-discipline and selflessness profoundly affect marriage, and more specifically the intimate relationship. One of the interesting dynamics of the sexual relationship involves the ironic dilemma of the wife’s primary challenge being to awaken and cultivate her sexual desire, while the husband’s pressing challenge is generally to bridle his passion.

The bridling of his passion is no small task, with no small consequence. His self-mastery and attentive focus on his wife’s needs are vital ingredients in the percolating potential for intimate bliss for both himself and his wife.

For a woman to look into the eyes of the one she loves and see not only a delicious hunger, but also the power of his restraint is a grand gift, indeed. A man’s self-mastery is not only incredibly attractive but also incredibly sexy.

Lovemaking might well be likened to a fire. In the presence of fire, a woman must first feel safe and assured that someone is in control of the fire, before she can let go and surrender to it — a necessary step for her fulfillment.

If the man does not have the will nor the discipline to master his desires, she will instinctively stay on duty keeping watch over the fire while he ventures off on his own flight of ecstasy.

Because a man’s greatest bliss is intimately connected to his wife experiencing her bliss, his self-mastery represents no small sideshow in the symphony of sexual love.

Hidden Treasures in Self-Mastery

In God’s divine design I believe men are chosen as the principal keepers of virtue, but only if they have mastered their own desires. I can’t help but wonder if within a man’s self-mastery there lie hidden treasures and exultant joys hitherto unknown.

I don’t hesitate to suggest that a man’s mastery over his sexual desire is likely the single greatest source of his strength, especially if he turns to God in his efforts to put off the natural man.

I think God deliberately made man’s sex drive as He did, not only for the purpose of bringing a man and a woman together to marry and create life, but also as man’s greatest tutor, beckoning him to master this power rather than allowing it to become a monster that masters him.

Putting off the Natural Man

God’s directive to Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac may be likened to that which God asks of us. Though difficult and heartrending, with faith, trust and obedience Abraham would nevertheless obey.

Many men struggle mightily not only with sex-related addictions, but also with the inevitable differing desire of their wives. These challenges provide unparalleled opportunities for men to come unto Christ and be perfected in Him, and to deny themselves of all ungodliness (see Moroni 10:32).

I imagine we all struggle with some thorn of the flesh obscuring our divine identity like a mortal overlay. Part of our job here on Earth is to overcome our mortality and put off the natural man.

The natural man (or woman) is an enemy to God and will be forever unless we yield ourselves to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and become a saint through the atonement of Christ (see Mosiah 3:19).

If men will deny themselves of all their ungodliness, and love God (more than their favorite self-indulgence) with all their might, mind and strength, then God’s grace will be sufficient for them.

God gives us weaknesses and mortal challenges to invite us to repent and humble ourselves before Him, and to believe in the power of Christ to sustain and even heal us. With humility and faith in Christ it is enough for God to make our weak things become strengths (see Ether 12:27). Through God’s grace, man (and woman) may be perfected in Him (see Moroni 10:32).

We may truly feel inflicted by our mortal weaknesses. But God, nevertheless, asks that we become as a little child, obedient and submissive to Him, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things, which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon us (see Mosiah 3:19).

Satan, too, sees the potential for great power if we stay in our “natural man” selves. He skillfully takes advantage of man’s makeup to ensnare him with pornography, infidelity and other addictions, keeping man from the very thing that can give the greatest joy and peace.

He’s pretty good at snaring women as well! He seeks to enslave us all and bind us down to endless misery. But if we seek out God as our source of strength and sustaining, our weaknesses can truly become our strengths.

Trust as the Foundation in Marriage

Trust is at the core of a strong marriage. Trust comes from self-mastery. Self-mastery at any point in our lives provides protection for the future. Self-mastery secures the trust between a husband and wife, protecting both from perilous influences.

One can only imagine the heartbreaking struggles that come to those who must grapple with the devastating effects of pornography, infidelity or other addictions. The soul of the marriage is shattered. Trust is destroyed, leaving questionable hope that it can ever be restored.

When trust has been broken, the painful process of rebuilding trust is very difficult, but essential …and possible. The relationship can be restored to a place of peace, and with concerted effort and divine intervention, God can even make the marriage stronger than it was before.

Yes, there is much we can learn from the character of Edward Cullen.

Exquisite efforts at self-mastery coupled with a willingness to protect rather than destroy make him an easy object of admiration. But it’s not really about him for me. I’m inspired by what his character traits could add to our lives, and how it could strengthen our marriages.

I challenge each of us to consider how self-mastery might bless our lives. I especially challenge men everywhere, young and not so young, to consider their role as guardians of virtue and keepers of the fire.

Reprinted from Meridian Magazine.

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2009 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Washington D.C. — A new study released today by Family Research Council’s Mapping America Project finds that children have fewer problems at school and home when they live with both biological parents and frequently attend religious services.

It is evident from this video that standing up for the definition of marriage matters.

No parent wants to be threatened with jail in order to protect their children from being exposed to controversial teachings especially at such a young impressionable age. One of the big concerns, as evidenced by this family’s experience, is that the rights of parents to freely raise their children with religious moral values is in jeopardy.

Some of the consequences of so-called “same-sex marriage” are as follows:

1. Children in public schools will have to be taught that same-sex marriage is just as good as traditional marriage. (Not only are they already being given books about homosexuality, but some teachers find no problem with taking their children on a fieldtrip to a same-sex “wedding” ceremony.)
2. It will lead to more government intrusion into private lives.
3. It will lead to speech monitors.
4. Anti-discrimination regulations will become more important than religious beliefs.
5. Churches will be sued over their tax-exempt status if they refuse to allow same-sex marriage ceremonies in their religious buildings open to the public.
6. Religious adoption agencies will be challenged by government to give up their long-held right to place children only in homes with both a mother and a father.
7. Religions that sponsor private schools with married-student housing will be required to provide housing for same-sex couples, even if counter to church doctrine, or risk lawsuits over tax exemptions and related benefits.
8. Ministers who preach against same-sex marriages will be sued for hate speech and could be fined by the government.
9. It will cost everyone more money.

To read the full article, click here.

Most people on both sides of the debate will likely agree that homosexuality is a mix of nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). One concern with the normalizing of homosexuality is that it may encourage those who already have a susceptibility to same-sex attraction to fully pursue that attraction when a healthy heterosexual identity and attraction could have been developed.

Gender identity and sexual development is a complex and potentially confusing time for young people, especially for those who also have some “nurture” or environmental vulnerabilities.

The homosexual movement has almost made it seem like being “gay” is the cool thing to do. That message is especially dangerous for those who are already walking on thin ice. There needs to be another voice for people to consider amongst the onslaught of homosexual-promoting messages society seems anxious to have us embrace.

For an excellent exposition on the importance of marriage and the family and the need to stand up for marriage I encourage you to read The Divine Institution of Marriage published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Here’s a little taste of the article:

How Would Same-Sex Marriage Affect Society?

Possible restrictions on religious freedom are not the only societal implications of legalizing same-sex marriage. Perhaps the most common argument that proponents of same-sex marriage make is that it is essentially harmless and will not affect the institution of traditional heterosexual marriage in any way. “It won’t affect you, so why should you care?’ is the common refrain. While it may be true that allowing single-sex unions will not immediately and directly affect all existing marriages, the real question is how it will affect society as a whole over time, including the rising generation and future generations. The experience of the few European countries that already have legalized same-sex marriage suggests that any dilution of the traditional definition of marriage will further erode the already weakened stability of marriages and family generally. Adopting same-sex marriage compromises the traditional concept of marriage, with harmful consequences for society. Aside from the very serious consequence of undermining and diluting the sacred nature of marriage between a man and a woman, there are many practical implications in the sphere of public policy that will be of deep concern to parents and society as a whole. These are critical to understanding the seriousness of the overall issue of same-sex marriage. When a man and a woman marry with the intention of forming a new family, their success in that endeavor depends on their willingness to renounce the single-minded pursuit of self-fulfillment and to sacrifice their time and means to the nurturing and rearing of their children. Marriage is fundamentally an unselfish act: legally protected because only a male and female together can create new life, and because the rearing of children requires a life-long commitment, which marriage is intended to provide. Societal recognition of same-sex marriage cannot be justified simply on the grounds that it provides self-fulfillment to its partners, for it is not the purpose of government to provide legal protection to every possible way in which individuals may pursue fulfillment. By definition, all same-sex unions are infertile, and two individuals of the same gender, whatever their affections, can never form a marriage devoted to raising their own mutual offspring.

. . .

The Sanctity of Marriage

Strong, stable families, headed by a father and mother, are the anchor of civilized society. When marriage is undermined by gender confusion and by distortions of its God-given meaning, the rising generation of children and youth will find it increasingly difficult to develop their natural identity as a man or a woman. Some will find it more difficult to engage in wholesome courtships, form stable marriages, and raise yet another generation imbued with moral strength and purpose.

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2008 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

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Can I just say how infinitely impressed I am with Jordin Sparks, former American Idol winner. Though she has a great voice, it’s not even her singing talent that I’m so impressed with at the moment. It’s her courage and her conviction that has me cheering. She’s got guts! I love it!

As a presenter, Jordin Sparks initially sat through a verbal bashing of promise rings, which she wears, until she’d had quite enough. The MTV Video Music Awards show host was having quite a heyday at the expense of those who actually believe it’s a good idea to save sex for marriage.

As a promise-ring wearer herself, she didn’t appreciate the host castigating the Jonas Brothers for their promise rings. So, when it was Jordin’s turn to speak, she took advantage of the opportunity to counter his rant with a simple statement that clearly said, “Enough!”

You go Jordin! When I heard about it, I wanted to stand up and cheer. Maybe I’m alone on this, but I’m getting tired of people bashing that which is good and decent. I’m tired of people acting like there’s no one left in the world who actually thinks it’s a smart idea to save sex for marriage.

I’m also kind of tired of those of us who think it isn’t “nice” to talk back and don’t. Our silence contributes to the flood of filth. I just love it when people stand up publicly for that which is right, especially when it takes courage to do so.

Standing Up for What’s Good

How are people supposed to know what is good and decent when the mass media denigrates it so often. How are people supposed to know that they are not the only one’s who still believe in what is good and decent when they rarely hear of others who espouse their values.

Sure we can learn what’s good and decent at home, and in church, and from our friends and neighbors. But the mass media has such an overwhelming influence that it’s not enough for us to let them have free reign as to what they try to put on us as being normal and acceptable.

Not everyone has the opportunities to offer an alternative to the media model. I guess that’s why I’m so proud of Jordin Sparks. I know she’s not perfect, and will likely make some mistakes, but it’s just so great that someone who has to live and breathe the Hollywood air can still keep their mind clear on what’s what.

Jordin is a smart girl, and her courage and conviction have allowed her to make at least a small a difference in the moral decline of our culture.

Smart Kids Save Sex for Marriage

It’s interesting to note that research shows that teens with higher IQs make the decision to pass on premarital sexuality. Smart kids, among other things, tend to be committed to long-term educational and career goals, which has the amazing power to help them overcome temptations.

I think smart kids also do other smart things like not hanging out in questionable places, nor getting into situations where temptations are great. Jordin too says she tries to stay away from clubs and other such things, rather than following the lead of the Paris Hilton types. Jordin’s a smart girl.

Smart Parents Help Kids Save Sex for Marriage

She obviously has good parents who have taught her well about things that really matter. As she stated in a recent television interview, when her parents explained things to her about the birds and the bees, she said it just made sense that she would wait for marriage. Smart girl.

Smart parents make sure they too talk with their kids regularly about things that really matter, and help them make decisions day-to-day that will allow them to create the kind of lives they want to have.

Most religious parents have already turned off the television, and they turned off MTV a long time ago, for that matter. But as long as good, God-fearing people stay out of the public debate, then society will remain mired in filth, as morality continues to crumble.

Jordin Sparks may not win any popularity contests in the liberal media with the stand she has taken, but if she sticks to it she will win where it really counts.

Way to go Jordin! Thank you for standing up for what so many of us also believe. Thank you for letting our voice be heard.

Related information:

Running Purity Rings around MTV

Promise Ring Debate, FoxNews Video

Jordin Sparks defends abstinence pledge (transcript)

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2008 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

I’m torn. I’m certainly excited about a vice-presidential candidate that is a strong, conservative, tax cutting, corruption-busting, pro-life mother and wife. Sarah Palin looks like a wonderful person with a great family. She appears to be a true patriot. I’m excited about her potential as a political leader. I’m sure all the intense media attention has been a huge burden on their family. I feel for them.

But my work as a marriage educator and advocate gives me a different focus and concern than those who are trying to destroy Sarah Palin’s political candidacy with unfounded hack jobs. My concern is for the young people, and even those not so young, who are receiving yet another media message that teen sex and pregnancy don’t appear to be that big of a problem.

Premarital sex and unwed parenthood are huge problems that are occurring far too often, affecting many lives in painful ways. The news of Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, being pregnant and unmarried has been heart wrenching to me.

I understand that life happens. People make choices. We all do things we wish we hadn’t. I feel for Bristol to have to have her life situation publicly known and discussed. She is unfortunately paying a high price for her actions and for her mother’s political position. But too many other ears are listening to our response to not address the unfortunate realities of the situation.

When the Palins found that they had to address the rumors, I just wish they had expressed some sadness about the situation. This may be something they plan to do at some point, but I just wish it would have been sooner than later.

Consequences

Nearly every way you look at it, premarital sex has consequences that are not in the best interest of those involved (baby included). Educations are cut short, lives are inevitably altered, parenthood is preemptively begun, and marriage (when there is one) starts on shaky ground. Make no mistake, the child is always a gift from God, but the context in which the child is born is always less than ideal.

Lucky for Bristol she has a loving, supportive family that will help her through this difficult time and situation. But, one of the things that I think bothers me the most about the situation is that while her parents are trying to be loving and supportive, no message is being sent about the poor choices that were obviously made, or that sex outside of marriage is not a good idea. Such a message may have been conveyed privately, but it’s the public message I am most concerned about.

In Sarah Palin’s public statement about their daughter’s pregnancy, prior to her big acceptance speech, she focuses on being “proud” of Bristol for “having” the baby as opposed to “aborting” it. Choosing life over abortion is always commendable, and Sarah, herself, sets an inspiring example in giving life to a Down syndrome child.

I only wish there would have been some mention of sadness over Bristol’s situation. Making the best of the situation doesn’t mean you have to make it appear that there are no unfortunate consequences with which to contend, especially when you know that many impressionable ears are listening.

Research shows that young women do a cost-benefit analysis regarding such decisions, and are apparently deciding more and more that the costs of unwed pregnancy are not that high.

This is my primary concern. Millions of sons and daughters are listening to this situation and to what is said about sex and pregnancy outside of marriage. This article is not about judging the Palins, but is about taking a parental perspective and a preventative approach to prevent unwed sex and pregnancy. People learn by example, for good or for ill.

You may have heard of the 2007 movie called “Juno” where a young teen gets pregnant. Since then we have repeatedly seen the “Juno” effect in many other’s lives. We hear of the “Juno” effect in discussions of Jamie Lynn Spears and the recent unfortunate decision of 17 teenage girls in a Massachusetts high school to purposefully get themselves pregnant. They apparently had little understanding of or concern for the consequences to themselves, their families and most importantly to the children who will likely be raised without a father (if they even know who the fathers are).

I just hate to see Bristol Palin and the statements made about her situation become a “Bristol Effect” on other young women who see no negative consequences to having sex and getting pregnant outside of marriage. We need to be more proactive in de-glamorizing teen sex and pregnancy.

I don’t want teenagers to come away with the idea that it is just fine to have sex with your high school boyfriend. It probably seems that if they do get pregnant, the boyfriend will gallantly sweep them off their feet into marriage, and everyone will lavish attention and accolades on them for some aspect of the situation in an effort to make the best of the situation. Few of the difficult realities they will encounter are even mentioned.

Here are some of the many questions and consequences teens need to think about:

• Will the young woman be able to finish her education?
• Will she be able to provide for her child, should she find herself in additional unfortunate circumstances?
• Will the boyfriend be interested in marrying her?
• Would two teenagers be ready for the rigors of marriage and parenting?
• Would such a young couple have what it takes to start their marriage already swimming upstream and still make a long-term success of it?
• Would the child be better off being given to two loving, mature, and married parents who have been praying for a child to adopt?
• Will the pregnant teenager end up as a single mom anyway like so many teenage mothers?
• Is the child going to end up not knowing or being raised by his/her father, because the father was unable to cut it in the rigors of marriage and parenthood?
• And if the child was given to another family to adopt, what kind of questions and heartache will that cause the child somewhere down the road?

My heart goes out to the Palin family at this time, in so many ways. I don’t want to add any burden to what they already have. But I imagine that with a focus on what impression is being received by other young people, Sarah Palin, and even her daughter, would probably agree that some mention of the sadness over the situation would have been appropriate.

Bristol doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that couldn’t handle her mother making a statement for the benefit of other young impressionable minds who may use Bristol’s poor choices to encourage theirs as well. I even asked my own daughter if it would have been okay for a mother to express sadness over the situation. She agreed that that would have been doable to share feelings of regret for the benefit of others.

Such a public statement would do much to contain the ongoing damage that is being done in our society with the abundant messages that sex outside of marriage is fine, that unwed motherhood is fine, that fathers are inconsequential to the well-being of a child, etc.

I know the Palin family has a lot of other things to worry about at this time, but as a conservative, pro-marriage and family advocate, I just wish things had been said a little differently than for their situation to potentially contribute to the terrible precedent that is being set regarding premarital sex and unwed parenthood.

Let it be clear that children are entitled to be reared by two loving parents—by a mother and a father—who are sufficiently mature and selfless, so that they can do what it takes to raise a child. Let it be clear that there is a good reason God simply asks that sex be reserved for marriage.

Contrary to the “safe sex” advocates, pre-marital abstinence IS the only way to assure that children are not aborted, but are raised by those who are ready and willing to make the necessary sacrifices for parenthood. And condoms are not the answer, since most teens notoriously fail to use them.

I don’t have enough personal insight about Bristol and her family, or Jamie Lynn Spears and her family, or the 17 high school girls and their families to know why they made the poor choices they’ve made. But they apparently felt the benefits outweighed the costs.

I do know that many young people are able to make the difficult choices to save sexual behavior for marriage, even in this sexually saturated culture.

Prevention

Some of the important components of helping our children make it through their young adult years and into marriage before they partake of God’s gift of sexual intimacy include:

• Expectations
• Education, and
• Emotional Connection

Expectations

Children need to understand their parents’ expectation that they remain morally chaste until marriage. For the 70 or so percent of the population that consider themselves to be Christian, including God in the discussion is critical. This is not just about parental expectations, but about God’s expectations. God is the one that asks us to save sex for marriage.

Our children may know that we would be terribly heartbroken to receive the news of sex or a pregnancy outside of marriage, but if we have done our job well, then they will be more heartbroken about letting God down than in letting their parents down.

It seems like our culture no longer even expects kids to not have sex. I think that’s crazy. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible to make choices that keep you away from situations and overwhelming temptations.

There’s a pernicious and pervasive message out there that kids are just going to do it anyway, so you better give them a condom. That’s garbage.

Parents and other responsible citizens have a moral obligation to set the societal expectation that premarital chastity IS POSSIBLE, and that we believe they can do it!

The expectation I am talking about here is basically the concept of providing a foundation of faith—faith that you believe it’s possible, faith that you believe they can succeed at overcoming the pitfalls and temptations, and faith that you know that God won’t ask anything of them that isn’t possible, nor that He won’t help us with it.

Education

Parents must not just set expectations for their children then throw them out into the world. They must teach them why it’s important to go against the societal tide of sexual promiscuity. Parents must openly teach them how to stay away from the dangers, and how to proactively create a life that positively minimizes vulnerabilities and temptations.

This education includes spiritual training, as well as mental and emotional and social training. Role playing situations with our children that they may encounter, and teaching them how to appropriately and effectively handle such situations are part of the necessary parenting that’s required in our day and time.

Discussions about sex, dating, relationships, moral standards, social events, and other activities are all-important issues that must be addressed with our young people. Research shows that alcohol consumption is a significant contributing factor in premarital sex, so teach and help your children avoid it.

Steady dating with its ever-increasing emotional intimacy, or dating those who have questionable character are other areas to discuss with your children. Parents need to help their children navigate the critical teenage and young adult years by teaching them and showing them what healthy relationships look like and how to create them.

Emotional Connection

This brings us to the third component of preventing premarital sexual experimentation—emotional connection. Setting expectations, and even educating and preparing your children for the dangers they may encounter is not quite enough. Children must also feel an emotional connection or love between themselves and their parents.

It’s the easiest thing in the world for a young person to disregard any parental teachings or standards if they feel no love or respect for or from their parents. It’s so much easier for children to do all they can to made good choices and to do those things that their parents have taught them if they feel our love and our sincere concern for their needs.

Parents must spend not just quality time, but also quantity time in order to meet the needs of children. Learning what makes your children feel loved and doing those things regularly is your best defense against the destructive tide of drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography etc. that plague our society and our youth. This is no easy task.

Good parenting takes time and effort. What if children need your time and attention, but you are too busy? What if children need your patience, but you are too frazzled?

As a marriage educator I can’t leave out the fact that the state of your marriage has a huge effect on the well-being of your children, and significantly affects their vulnerability, or lack thereof, to destructive outside influences.

Parenting isn’t easy, and even the best parenting is susceptible to children making other choices. I think parents generally do the best they know how.

I hope the best for Bristol Palin and her boyfriend. I especially pray for their soon-to-be-born child.

I hope that someone somewhere reading this will think twice about the choices and the consequences of sex outside of marriage. I hope that more parents will do a better job teaching and preparing their children for the challenges they face.

God is a pretty smart guy. He’s still got the best plan out there for our peace and happiness and well-being. I hope we will be smart enough to listen.

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, “And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.” Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator, blogger and podcaster.

You can visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more, and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2008 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.

Anti-Mormon Bias

I was disappointed to see the end of Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Republican nomination as president of the United States of America. I personally believed that he would have made a most excellent president, especially at this time of economic insecurity, continual threats of terrorism and anti-American hatred, declining moral and family values, and out-of-control illegal immigration.

I was even more dismayed trying to understand how a man of his caliber, character, values and integrity could not handily overcome the competition for the nomination. I should have clued in when hoards of conservative voters overlooked Romney and cast their vote for Mike Huckabee in state after southern state, especially when Huckabee has been liberal on raising taxes and illegal immigration.

The pieces started to come together for me as I began to see and hear of those who would finally admit to and write about the anti-Mormon bias that had quietly been there all along. I could have never imagined.Mormons are some of the hardest-working, honorable, service-oriented, clean and moral-living people I’ve ever seen. I had to wonder if these voters had ever met or knew any Mormons personally.

I am a Mormon. More accurately, I am an active, faithful, believing member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don’t speak for Mormons, but I do speak for myself. I love this country, and I am saddened that we have let slip through our fingers a man who could have cleaned up Washington, and done a top-to-bottom overhaul of a seriously-off-track government. I believe he would have been able to create an efficient and effective government that would have strengthened families, strengthened our military, and strengthened our economy. Instead, simple anti-Mormon bigotry has robbed us all.

How this anti-Mormon bias has been allowed to continue into the 21st century, in this great nation is beyond me. No one would dare harbor, much less express, anti-African-American or anti-Jewish sentiment. But somehow Mormon bigotry is acceptable.

Maybe Mormons are partly to blame. Mormons like me are busy spending their time helping in their kids’ classes, and trying to be good neighbors, spouses and parents. So they don’t make a habit of confronting people or making waves. But it seems to me that something like this anti-Mormon sentiment needs to be addressed. As long as Mormons remain silent on the matter then others will continue to define us, and anti-Mormon bias will continue unchecked.

I for one, hope to see Mitt Romney come around again as a presidential candidate. So maybe by speaking out for Mormons and standing up to this needless bias now, we can change some hearts and minds, so that Romney won’t have to face an electorate that includes 50% of its population that has “reservations” or would be “very uncomfortable” with a Mormon president. This is just plain wrong and so un-American and un-Christian!

A Mormon’s View

As a Mormon marriage educator and advocate for stronger marriages I see a vital connection between politics and marriage. Marriage and the family is the bedrock of society. Mormons are well-known for being pro-marriage and pro-family for good reason. We believe marriages and families can last beyond this earth life into eternity. The state of our marriages and families has everything to do with the state of this nation and the world.

As a marriage educator and Mitt Romney supporter I hope to share a small glimpse into the heart and soul of a believing Mormon in hopes of somehow contributing to the decrease of anti-Mormon sentiment. People don’t have to agree with me or my beliefs, but I do hope they will be able to respect them and maybe even find the good in a people that are being flatly rejected based on religious belief. Maybe I can share something that will cause even one person to re-think their bias against Mormons. I can only try.

Mormons and Marriage

Marriage is no small thing in the Mormon church. Marriage is not just “until death do we part.” Marriage is forever. Marriage is the most important decision a person will ever make. Marriage is a divine covenant or promise of the highest order meant to refine every soul and bring people closer to perfection, as they prepare to return to their heavenly home. Marriage is no easy task, nor is it an endeavor to be taken lightly.

The eternal and spiritual basis upon which marriages and families are built, and upon which children are raised provides a huge protective foundation amidst the noise and confusion otherwise evident throughout the world. When marriage and family is forever there’s a whole different mindset that occurs. This is for keeps. This requires our best, never-ending effort. And it’s worth it.

Mormons aren’t perfect when it comes to marriage, but on the whole, members of the LDS church (short for Latter-day Saints or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) prepare for marriage, commit to one’s spouse in marriage, and covenant with God to make this relationship grow and sweeten and last forever–not just ’til death do we part.

Honor, respect, fidelity, love, and the sacrifices of parenthood are taken seriously by those who understand and enter into this eternal covenant relationship. Mitt Romney’s fidelity to his one-and-only wife and his nearly 40 year marriage is but one of the fruits of the faith and lifestyle of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Don’t get me wrong. Mormons too are imperfect people and have plenty of struggling marriages, but I hope people will consider the potential strength and value of a Mormon, not only as a neighbor, but also as a president of the United States. I hope that by knowing or coming into contact with good LDS couples, that people will be willing to see them as a source of goodness, where they might not have been willing to see that before.

Power in Mormon Marriage

I so appreciate knowing that my husband’s commitment to me, our marriage and our children is girded up not just by a wedding ceremony or certificate, but by his active commitment to God to keep His commandments and honor the covenants he has made to be loyal and loving and trustworthy. That’s a huge amount of personal and powerful insurance for me and our children to count on in our family.

A beloved LDS author, speaker and marriage counselor, Lucile Johnson, shared an interesting experience she had sitting next to a well-known feminist leader on a long flight. The feminist leader was disparaging toward men, marriage and family in general. In the course of conversation, being ever-increasingly aware of their very different perspectives, the feminist leader confided that in all her travels she had found that Mormon men were the rare exception to her otherwise strongly held beliefs about men and marriage.

Members of the LDS church for the most part don’t drink alcohol. They don’t smoke. They don’t gamble. They don’t do drugs. They have been taught to stay clear of all of the addictive substances and activities that would enslave their minds, bodies and souls. This provides us a lot of freedom from problems when you just don’t start down that path. That’s not to say that some don’t get caught in Satan’s snares sometimes. But for the most part wives and children can count on their husbands and daddies to be true.

The clean-living lifestyle of members of the Mormon church allows for a degree of peace knowing that not only do wives not have to worry so much about husbands off on a business trip getting drunk, but they also have less reason to worry that their husbands will then make some real dumb decisions that will negatively affect the rest of their lives. I’ll bet Ann Romney is grateful for her good Mormon husband. I bet she doesn’t have to wonder about her husband’s behavior when he is off on business. What a powerful protection and comfort that trust affords a marriage.

LDS children are raised to believe in God, to believe in keeping His commandments as best they can and in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent and virtuous and in doing good to all men, not the least of which is to grow up and become a good husband, a good wife, a good mom, a good dad, and a good citizen.

There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by living the gospel of Jesus Christ and doing our best to keep our marriages and families strong. The temptations and addictions of the world hold less power for those who are reared in love by a mother and father who love each other and who love God.

No one is perfect. But that is where the Savior steps in to make up for what we each lack. God is an active and interested party in every marriage and family. He wants couples to be happy and to learn and grow in marriage. He wants them to provide loving homes in which his precious children can be raised and taught how to live happy, righteous and productive lives.

Not So Peculiar

Maybe Mormon beliefs are just too strange for some people to grasp. Maybe people just haven’t taken the time to understand those beliefs, not that anybody has to. But if, for instance, you believe that there was a period of apostasy and falling away from Christ’s church throughout the “dark ages” where plain and precious parts of the gospel were lost, changed or distorted, then it wouldn’t be so hard to believe that Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ would want to come down to earth to restore or reorganize their church. And because so many people had developed an incorrect understanding of God the Father and his son, Jesus Christ it may not be so difficult to acknowledge that they might take the opportunity to both come down to earth to answer the petition of a young boy who wanted to know which church he should join.

On the subject of polygamy, those in the early Mormon church who practiced it believed they were doing what God had asked of them. Whether God’s intent was to provide a refiner’s fire at the time, and ask such a sacrifice, or to raise up a posterity unto Himself as He had done in biblical times, I do not know. But for people to continue to define this church by a practice that was discontinued over 100 years ago is simply unconscionable.

People seem to have a problem with the underclothing that we wear. Catholic priests and nuns wear clothing to represent their religion and religious beliefs. Observing Jews wear tefillin (phylacteries) during prayer to remind them of their covenants with God, and so too do many Mormons wear what we consider sacred undergarments to remind us of our covenants with God, and to help us keep His commandments.

It may seem strange to those who are unfamiliar with such beliefs or practices, but should in no way disqualify anyone from being considered for a public office. There is no religious test for those who serve in public office.

Marriage and Society

The health and wellness of a marriage and family is the best gauge of the health and wellness of a country and a world. It all begins in the home. Nearly every social ill from poverty to delinquency to gang activity is a result of the home and family. There are huge political and societal costs associated with the breakdown of individuals and families.

There is an ideal pattern set forth by God that marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is ordained of God, and children are entitled to be reared by a father and mother who love and honor each other. Some would argue that that ideal is not a reality for so many people. That may be true, but it is all the more reason to teach and work from an ideal family pattern. Without an ideal to start from marital and familial deviances grow bigger and bigger throughout the generations until marriage and family become unrecognizable, and the divinely ordained purposes and benefits are lost.

Children need to know what good, strong marriages and families look like, so that they will be able to do their best to recreate it in their own lives. We all fall short in some ways, but we all have a responsibility to provide an admirable example for others to follow.

Changing Hearts and Minds

I hope no one has misunderstood what I have been trying to do and say. I’m not saying that Mormons are perfect, or that I would vote for someone just because they were a Mormon. But I do want to say that we have lost out on a great leader due to an unnecessary bias against members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I hope I have provided some small insight into the personal heart and soul of a faithful member of the Mormon church in hopes of beginning to change the hearts and minds of those who might currently consider Mormons to be unworthy of their consideration.

As a Mormon who is also passionate about strengthening marriages, I also hope I have created a connection in your mind between the state of our marriages and the state of our nation. I hope you can see more clearly how the Mormon lifestyle and belief in eternal marriage and forever families creates a sure foundation for a stronger society. I do not imply that Mormons have perfect marriages or families, but that the spiritual and doctrinal foundation they have is nothing but a positive benefit to our society.

I honor and applaud Mitt Romney and his wife and family for their huge sacrifices on behalf of this country. Many were able to see their goodness and the positive leadership they would have provided. I only wish more people would have removed their blinders and been able to see the light Mitt Romney was attempting to offer.

See also the article: Religious Bias and Mitt Romney

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy educator and relationship consultant.

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more. Sign up today for her FREE “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages intimately!

© Copyright 2008 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.