Laura's Strengthening Marriage Blog &#187; Intimacy

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Marriage and intimacy expert, Laura M. Brotherson, is the author of a bestselling book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.

Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, marriage and family therapist, and host of “The Marital Intimacy Show” on The Women’s Information Network (The WIN).

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Have You Lost That Lovin’ Feeling about Kissing?

Laura M Brotherson — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 06:47:24 +0000

Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and making out!

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When was the last time you and your spouse made out?! Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and having fun making out.

When couples were dating, kissing was an exciting and savored experience. But after marriage many couples seem to abandon sensual, lip-to-lip (face or neck) kissing, not only because additional sexual pleasures are now available, but maybe for other more intimate reasons of which they may not be aware.

So go park somewhere after date night with the agreement to have some fun sensually and/or teasingly exploring each other’s face, lips, mouth, neck, ears, and eyelids with kissing, nibbling, touching–being as creative as possible–without any pressure or expectation that it will lead to something more.

Add a little background music to help set the mood. As I explain in the book And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment intimacy is best without expectations or strings attached!

So when was the last time you made out with your spouse?

Related Resources:

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Self-Help Sex Therapy

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:36:59 +0000

Now that I am pretty heavy into counseling and therapy in my practice I am finding it difficult to find enough time to help everyone that is requesting my services. In addition, there are some who may not be able to afford counseling or who have spouses that won’t talk to anyone about it…at least at this point.

So, the purpose of this post is to provide some first steps for individuals or couples while they are waiting for additional help (particularly those on my current waiting list) or for those who are on their own in trying to improve their intimate relationship.

1. Read and Do the Homework in And They Were Not Ashamed

Step 1 of your self-help sex therapy is definitely to read (either together or on your own) my book And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and do the homework suggested at the end of each chapter. This is similar to the kind of counseling work I would do with clients in sessions (and the homework I would give as well) to help clients identify what is getting in the way of them enjoying the sexual relationship as God intended it.

One of the reasons I wrote this book was because many people unfortunately wont go see a sex therapist, but they will read a book in the privacy of their own home. My book is available on CD or at Audible.com for you to listen to. It will soon be available as an ebook in it’s various formats. Yay!

2. Listen to The Marital Intimacy Show Podcasts

Step 2 is to listen to as many of my short and sweet Marital Intimacy Show podcasts as you can, and do at least a brief writing afterwards of the highlights and/or anything that caught your attention as applicable to your situation. These episodes are like FREE mini self-help counseling sessions that I would be having with you and/or your spouse if we were in a session together.

3. Utilize my Other Resources

Step 3 is to be sure you are utilizing the other resources I have for addressing your sexual questions and issues. In addition to the MIS audiocasts, other resources I have include:

My blog – Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog. You’ll find many articles and posts that address the common issues couples face. My blog here also has a great reservoir of conversations between myself and our fabulous blog followers asking questions and trying to help each other out with their marital and intimacy challenges. You can find that information in the Open Forum sections on this blog.
My Articles. I’ve written over 50 articles available on my website strenmarr.com to help you think through some of the challenges you may be facing. I generally provide some suggestions or action items for you to actively work on various dimensions of your life and your relationship.
Facebook and Twitter. Social media is another great resource for information sharing, so be sure to join us on my Marital Intimacy Show page and my Strengthening Marriage, Inc. page on FB or follow me on Twitter @LauraBrotherson or @MaritalIntimacy to receive daily insights and motivation to help you strengthen your marriage.
Newsletter. My “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter is another resource to provide help in strengthening your marriage.
Straight Talk Q&A — In my “Straight Talk Q&A” I’ve answered a lot of common questions that I’ve received over the years that can also help you figure out some helpful solutions for your own situation.
More Books on the Way. Since there is no chance I’ll ever be able to help all those who may want or need my individual time and services, I am working on my next two books that again are very much what we would be working on together in counseling sessions. One of these next books will encapsulate the key secrets of female sexuality and the other will highlight the important aspects of male sexuality. These will be additional valuable resources for couples to have for additional self-help sex therapy.

4. Get Professional Help

Step 4 is to get professional help if the above steps are not enough.

I was telling my husband the other day that I just had to get doing my podcasts more frequently and to get our next two books written because I’m just not being able to reach enough people who want my help and he said, “You know Laura, that may be true, but I’m not sure any of those things can actually replace someone talking with your directly.” It was certainly a sweet thing for him to say, but it is also kinda true.

There’s a magic that happens in the process of counseling together that you really can’t recreate any other way. So, do get some help if the above suggestions are not enough. Thankfully for many couples it is enough to help them shift their sexual relationship! But that won’t be true for everyone.

So, to recap, (1) read my book And They Were Not Ashamed, (2) listen to my podcasts, (3) read and use the other resources on my website StrengtheningMarriage.com, and then (4) seek out professional help in the form of counseling or even just a couple consultations.

I hope this gives you some guidance as you engage in your own self-help sex therapy and work toward creating a wonderful, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship in your marriage!

Related Resources: ”Self-Help Sex Therapy” episode #057 The Marital Intimacy Show podcast

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
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Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Yay for Date Night!—Quotes & Resources

Laura M. Brotherson — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:00:49 +0000

It’s Friday night. Do you have some plans for date night with your spouse?! It need not be expensive, just something to give you a chance to reconnect after a long week. It’s also great for emotional foreplay for both husband and wife! : )

One of the purposes of date night is to build positive associations of fun and enjoyment with your spouse and the relationship you share. It’s just too easy for the weight of the world to pull you apart without dedicated time and attention for pleasurable reconnecting with your spouse. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by!

DATE NIGHT QUOTES

More marriages die of neglect than of anything else. Don’t forget Date Night!
Date Night is insurance for your marriage.
Date night is great emotional foreplay for both husband and wife.
Date Night–It’s cheaper than marriage counseling! : )
If women would spend more time working on the sexual relationship in their marriage and less time on other things (like what to do for date night) their relationship would improve by leaps and bounds. The truth is that improving the sexual relationship is probably the single most effective thing couples can do to build a strong marriage, because to get the sexual relationship working well already requires that most other important dimensions be nurtured as well.
Date night gives you a chance to get away from it all and slip into “couple mode” for a few delightful hours.
Date Night–It’s my favorite night of the week!
Date night is NOT optional for those who want to create a close and connected intimate relationship.
Date Night — Just do it!
Date Night — When there’s a will there’s a way!
Date Night…it’s definitely worth the effort!
Date night helps to keeps the fun in the relationship. When the fun goes out of the marriage then the motivation to deal with the inevitable challenges goes too.
Marriage requires constant nourishment. Date night nourishes the relationship mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually…if you’re lucky! : )
Date Night is a great way to easily take care of “Tenderness, Thoughtfulness, Teasing, Talk, Touch, Time” which are all part of the “8 T’s” of feeding into and nourishing female sexuality.
“Couples can do a lot to improve their marriages by going out alone to do something special, just the two of them, with no children tagging along” (~ Gary Panetta).
“Marriage is work. Your marriage is going to be only as good as the work you put into it” (~ Kristy Hemmele).
Date night is not Family night! Get a babysitter and go enjoy some alone time with your honey. Strengthening your marriage with regular date nights is the best thing you can do for your kids anyway!
Date Night – “Creating informal rituals when you can connect emotionally is critical in a marriage” (John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)
“One drawback of long-term love is that many couples allow dating to fall by the wayside. The two of you can easily fall into a routine and into the mind-set that just being together is enough. However, continuing to ‘date’ your long-term love will help your relationship go the distance” (Dr. Laura Berman).
Date night can be a real oasis in a couple’s life!
Date Night — It’s my light at the end of the tunnel!

OTHER DATE NIGHT RESOURCES

Blog — Love, Actually Blog (wonderful and creative date ideas)
Blog — The Dating Divas (12 dating diva girlfriends share their fun and inexpensive date ideas)
Article — “Date Night is NOT Optional” by Laura M. Brotherson
Article — “Raising the Bar on Date Night” by Laura M. Brotherson
Article — “43 Date Night Ideas” (fun date night ideas from Redbook magazine)
Article — “Date Night on a Dime” (fun and inexpensive Date Night ideas)
Website — “Hot Date Ideas” (lots of different Date Night ideas)
Article — “10 Outside-the-box Date Ideas” (fun new date ideas!)

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Open Forum 3

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 01:46:39 +0000

Welcome to our new “Open Forum 3” discussion page!

We continue to create new Open Forum pages for you to post your questions and comments, and for us all to discuss important marriage and intimacy issues. Please post your new comments/questions to this Open Forum 3 post below.

For additional insights, you can review previous discussions by clicking on the links below:

Open Forum 3 (to post NEW questions and comments)
Open Forum 2 (posts from Jun 30, 2009 — Apr 3, 2011)
Open Forum 1 (posts from Aug 14, 2007 – Jun 29, 2009)
Laura’s Straight Talk Q&A (for other questions and answers from Laura)

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This is the place to post your questions and comments and have an open dialogue about subjects related to marriage, sex, intimacy and parenting. I hope you will consider yourself a valuable resource in this forum, as you share not only your questions, but also your own insights and solutions.

Please continue to be attentive to the tone of your posts, so that we can maintain an atmosphere of reverence and respect for each other and the sanctity of sexuality in marriage.

I will try to respond as often as I can, but hope you will step up and share your insights as well.

As you reply to the various comments below it will thread each comment in order (newest posts at the bottom) to make it fairly easy to follow the discussions.

Some readers incorrectly post their questions on our StrengtheningMarriage.com Comments Page instead of here in this forum. I will move those questions over here to this forum to allow for easier discussion.

Thank you all for your participation here! Let’s learn and improve our marriages together! : )

Raising the Bar on Date Night

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:58:48 +0000

Date night is simply one of the best things couples can do for their marriage. It nourishes the relationship mentally, emotionally, socially and even sexually (…if you’re lucky!).

Couples generally do the best they can when it comes to having a date night, so I really hate to be too hard on them about it. But it may be time to step it up a notch. Consider these four rules for raising the bar on date night:

Rules for Raising the Bar on Date Night

1. No Cell Phones or Other Electronic Devices

Even if your phone is a major part of your job, surely it can wait for you and your spouse to have a few hours of uninterrupted couple time once a week. If you are always on your phone, just imagine what a powerful message it will be to your honey for you to “just say no” to your phone for a few hours.

I hope it goes without saying that you do not ever play a video game on your cell phone during date night unless that happens to be what you and your spouse are doing together for date night.

And when you happen to go online to check movie times or the address for the restaurant don’t check your email, or the news, or your social networking sites or anything else. Date night is for connecting with your spouse not your cell phone.

2. Minimize Babysitting Distractions

If it’s your kids or the babysitter that keeps calling then it may be time to train them to call only in a real emergency. Some kids call their parents on date night multiple times for unimportant reasons simply because it’s what they are in the habit of doing.

It’s just not much of a date night if you’re on the phone with your kids all night. A good rule of thumb might be that unless someone is seriously bleeding or dying they shouldn’t call.

You’re also going to have to train yourself to stop answering their calls every few minutes. Be sure to provide enough information to your babysitter and your kids to eliminate the need for them to call.

If your own children are your babysitters they too need to be taught how to get along and how to solve their own problems. One family paid their kids varied amounts for babysitting based on how well they got along and were able to solve their own problems.

It was up to everyone to determine who deserved how much money depending on how they behaved that evening. It’s amazing how quickly their kids learned to get along in order to get their full pay. It also cut out a lot of unnecessary phone calls.

3. Show Uncommon Courtesy

Date night is a great night to be on your best behavior and to step up your courtship courtesies, as if it were your first date. Husbands, get your wife’s door. Wives let him, and say thank you. These uncommon courtesies make date night an extra special time.

Treat each other the way you hope to teach your teenagers to treat their dates. Your kids will benefit not only from seeing your example but also from how it will positively impact your marriage.

4. Touch More

Remember how much you wanted to touch and be close when you were dating? Date night is an opportunity to engage in affection even if it’s not a regular habit when you’re used to holding a baby or continually chasing a toddler during the rest of your day.

It’s mind boggling to see couples out on a date who never touch. If you are walking together grab each other’s hand or walk arm in arm. If you are sitting together in a movie or restaurant sit close and touch in some way. It wouldn’t hurt to steal a little kiss sometime during the date as well. A little PDA (public display of affection) is good for the marital soul!

Since sexual touch is the dessert of married life, date night might be a great time for you both to look forward to a little bit of lovemaking after all that emotional foreplay during your date! Sexual nourishment in marriage is as important as emotional or spiritual nourishment.

While the main purpose of date night is to have some uninterrupted time alone together to have fun and reconnect mentally and emotionally and even physically, I hope you’ll take these suggestions and apply them in your marriage to raise the bar on date night!

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage

join us on Facebook:

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show

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Marriage and intimacy expert Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a bestselling book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, relationship consultant, and host of the online “Marital Intimacy Show.”

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Other Ways to Connect with Laura!

Grapevine Conversation with Laura Brotherson

Laura M. Brotherson — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 05:08:26 +0000

INTERVIEW AUDIO NOW AVAILABLE — www.TheGrapevineConversations.com

Join Sheri Joi of Latter-day Woman Magazine’s “Grapevine Conversations” in a LIVE conversation with Intimacy Expert – Laura Brotherson on Tuesday, August 24th, 2010 from 9 – 10 pm (MST).

To participate call the toll-free conference line at 507-726-4240 and when prompted enter passcode 100993#.

NOTE: Times for the call are : 8:00 pm (Pacific Time), 9:00 pm (Mountain Time), 10:00 pm (Central Time), 11:00 pm (Eastern Time).

Particpate on the call – and be one of the WINNERS of a copy of Laura’s Book – And They Were Not Ashamed–Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Winners will be announced on the call. If you have a question for Laura you can send it to sheri@latterdaywoman.com before Tuesday’s call.

Interview questions included:

And They Were Not Ashamed – Book
Common questions I receive
Couples Cruise
Talking to kids about sex
Laura’s dream opportunity
Favorite episodes of “The Marital Intimacy Show”
Marriage tips
…and other personal questions! : )

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage connect with us on Facebook:

FACEBOOK PAGE Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGEThe Marital Intimacy Show

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Facebook — Let’s Connect!

Strengthening Marriage, Inc. — Become a fan!

“The Marital Intimacy Show” — Become a fan!

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show

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Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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The Twilight Obsession and Its Effect on Marriages

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:39:44 +0000

The Twilight Fervor

The Twilight fervor seems to be heating up again with the release of the next movie in the Twilight saga. What isn’t being talked about though is its potentially negative effects on relationships.

After seeing this disturbing Twilight parody music video, and hearing about “Twilight Moms” and such on Oprah, it seemed necessary to comment on the Twilight phenomenon, and it’s detrimental effects on marriages.

What may begin as harmless fun or a little escapism from the rigors of real life can easily become an obsession–especially if there is a void in one’s life that is hankering to be filled.

If the connection in marriage is already weak, and there is little happening to nourish it, filling the void with a fantasy is an easy snare to slip into.

For today’s “desperate housewives” it may be fun to feed the fantasy of a man who’s every breath is focused on her protection and his own self-restraint, all the while being extremely dangerous. His obsessed adoration may be a turn on, but the reality is that real men have a real life with other responsibilities. It’s not all about you.

I can only imagine how husbands of “Twi-hards” might be feeling about their wife’s Twilight fixation. Most men can handle a passing heart palpitation or two for the hunk on the big screen, but beyond that it can be a bit of a slap in the face.

And seeing the kids of so-called “Twilight Moms” say that their mom loves “Edward” or “Jacob” more than them is a sad commentary on how Twilight can affect family life as well.

It’s quite astounding to hear of grown women–mothers no less–spending so much time and attention on all things Twilight.

Women caught in the Twilight fervor may not even be aware that it has become obsessive. They may need to ask themselves how much time and energy they are spending thinking about Twilight-related things in a given day? If someone where to ask their husband or children about Twilight, what would they say?

It might be a good idea to ask your husband or kids what they think about Twilight if you do happen to be a big Twilight fan. They will likely be able to provide some perspective.

What’s the Big Deal? Where’s the Danger?

Some might ask, “What’s the big deal? Where’s the danger in a little Twilight obsession? One of the biggest issues with Twilight is that it paints an unrealistic picture of what love and relationships are all about.

Other concerns include the time wasted that could be better spent, and how it may be weakening relationships.

The love between Bella and Edward is so intense and obsessive in its own right that it can imprint our minds with what love is or “should be.” That makes for pretty impossible expectations for a real-life husband (or boyfriend–for the young women also obsessed with Twilight) to meet.

How can any real man compare to the fantasy? An over-abundance of chick flicks or other romance novels can have the same effect.

Husbands may become even less motivated to please their wives if they know they are competing with a fantasy–it’s a contest they can’t win. Most men won’t even try.

It makes for a vicious cycle of a woman feeling unloved–making her more susceptible to the Twilight fantasy, and the husband being less likely to even try to connect with her.

It’s comparable to an obsession a husband may have with pornography. The more he indulges the less she wants anything to do with him, which makes him feel even more rejected and more susceptible to the fantasy world of pornography.

Wives can’t compete with that fantasy either.

Another potential danger is simply the time and energy spent on something other than one’s spouse and family, or other worthwhile endeavors. It’s an opportunity cost.

If you’re reading the books or watching Twilight movies all day you can’t be spending quality time with your husband and/or kids. It’s not just the woman that gushes about seeing the movies 300 times that may be creating a negative effect in her family.

Time and energy spent on any addiction or compulsive behavior is inherently self-centered, which feeds the obsession itself. Getting outside yourself and refocusing on the welfare of others can help break any obsessive behavior.

It’s also a pretty cool gift for a husband to see renewed attention and affection when it had previously been going to Edward or Jacob.

One last danger of a Twilight obsession is that relationships can be weakened. Those that are most susceptible to getting caught up in the Twilight drama are those who likely already have weaker relationships. A Twilight obsession is likely to be an additional means of weakening the marriage further.

I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband were to become obsessed with Megan Fox or anything having to do with Angelina Jolie, even just for fun. It definitely wouldn’t help the relationship, and would more likely become a constant source of frustration and resentment.

The Effects on the Intimate Relationship

Given the work I do with couples in their intimate/sexual relationships, I can see how particularly damaging a “Twilight Crush” can be in a marriage. Many men long to have their wives feel affectionate–even sexy–toward them.

When a husband sees his wife enthralled with a fantasy man, but rarely feels such attention from her himself it can be rather disheartening.

Women are wired for emotional connection, so they are more than happy to bask in the eager anticipation, and the mental and emotional longing that a romance novel or obsession with a book or movie character can provide.

For some women the extra thrill is that the psychological excitement can be a pleasure in its own right without it having to lead to “other things.”

This is why women are more often accused of a bait and switch after marriage when their premarital teasing and flirty behavior can now lead to “other things.” Some husbands complain of finding a less-than-affectionate wife after marriage when she was previously very affectionate and even sexy towards him.

Because of women’s sexual wiring they can be quite content to linger in a state of mental and emotional arousal created by a Twilight fantasy without it going further in the sexual cycle.

This may also be one of the reasons women get away with a Twilight addiction more than men can get away with a pornography problem.

Potential Marital Benefits from Twilight

Some women swear that Twilight has improved their sex lives. What they may not realize is that anytime a woman reads a book or does something that encourages her to think romantic thoughts more often it has the potential of increasing her sexual desire and activity–particularly when that desire is taken into her marital bedroom.

Twilight books or movies can stoke a woman’s intimate fires for her husband if she were to direct those energies towards her spouse. Rather than feeding the frenzy and obsessing about Twilight to fit in with one’s girlfriends, thinking romantically about one’s husband throughout the day and night could instead nourish the marriage.

Putting your husband’s face on the romantic scenarios you play over and over in your mind can keep the focus where it should be–on your husband! Looking at your spouse the way you would look into the eyes of your fantasy man, and nourishing intimate thoughts about your spouse are other helpful behaviors to strengthen the intimate relationship in marriage.

The stirred up excitement created by Twilight can actually provide a spark for your own marriage if you will direct the thoughts and emotions toward the man you already have–and can actually hold.

If Twilight obsessed women would direct even half of their intimate and erotic energies towards their husbands and the real-life fantasy available to them, their marriage relationship would be greatly strengthened and become infinitely more satisfying.

Click here for Laura’s previous article on Twilight — Edward, Self-Mastery and The Marital Fire

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage connect with us on our Facebook Pages:

FACEBOOK PAGE

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Facebook — Let’s Connect!

Strengthening Marriage, Inc. — Become a fan!

“The Marital Intimacy Show” — Become a fan!

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, relationship consultant, and host of the online “Marital Intimacy Show.”

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What is Sex Therapy?

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 03:39:34 +0000

In a recent sex therapy training I attended at The Institute for Sexual Wholeness (ISW), it was a bit disturbing to hear that some people have very mistaken ideas of what sex therapy is all about.

Just to be sure that everyone is clear on what sex therapy is and what it isn’t I thought I’d share a few things to dispel any fears or misconceptions that may be lurking out there.

Sex Therapy and Ethics

Some may have the mistaken idea that a sex therapist will be physically present or directly involved in any way with a couple’s sexual experiencing. This is incorrect. All professional counseling organizations have strict ethical guidelines against any sexual intimacies between therapist and client(s).

For example, according to the Code of Ethics for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) the following are the strict ethical guidelines for such behavior:

Sexual intimacy with clients is prohibited. Sexual intimacy with former clients is likely to be harmful and is therefore prohibited for two years following the termination of therapy or last professional contact. In an effort to avoid exploiting the trust and dependency of clients, marriage and family therapists should not engage in sexual intimacy with former clients after the two years following termination or last professional contact (AAMFT, 2001, Sec. 1.4, 1.5).

Rest assured that no sexual contact will occur between an ethical (and moral) sex therapist and a client(s).

Sex Therapy – Common Concerns

Sex therapy is a specialized form of talk therapy for individuals, couples, and groups focused on sexual and relational issues. Some of the common concerns addressed in sex therapy include the following:

Intimacy issues — time factors, energy, behaviors, attitudes/inhibitions, communication, etc.
Relationship issues — trust, commitment, communication, childrearing, finances, etc.
Desire issues and desire discrepancies
Female arousal and orgasm issues
Painful intercourse
Body image issues
Male erection and ejaculation difficulties
Infidelity
Infertility
Sexual abuse and trauma
Issues with singles and sexuality
Sex and aging — erectile issues, changes in lovemaking, ejaculation issues, etc.
Sex and disability — the effects of illness, disability, disease and/or medications on sexuality
Gender/sexual identity concerns
Sexual addictions — pornography, and other compulsive sexual behaviors

Therapeutic Approach

The therapeutic approach taken by sex therapists can vary widely, but most tend to be very solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral, and educational. It’s really a collaborative process. You are the expert on yourself and your story while the therapist is the expert on the therapeutic process–bringing added sexual understanding to the table.

Given the nature of sexuality for men and women, sex therapy will inevitably include marital or relationship therapy as well. The areas that are often explored in the context of sex therapy are:

Individual biological and psychological issues — strengths, resources, difficulties, etc.
Relational issues
Family of origin issues
Societal, cultural, historical, and religious issues

The Client(s) Story

Since most sex therapists interweave the therapeutic process with getting to know the individual’s and/or couple’s story it may be helpful to understand what areas may be addressed:

The sexual problem or difficulties they are experiencing
Current patterns of sexual function
The couple’s sexual practices
Affectionate behavior in the relationship
The relationship between spouses (the intimate/emotional connection)
The history of one’s sexual development/experience (childhood, puberty, adolescence, adulthood)
Medical history

Professional Backgrounds

Sex therapists can have many different professional backgrounds from marriage and family therapy, social work, and medicine to psychology and psychiatry. Seeing a sex therapist rather than a general counselor is akin to seeing a gynecologist rather than a general medical practitioner.

Professional Sex Therapy Organizations

There are organizations that “certify” sex therapists, but some counselors may call themselves sex therapists without actually being trained and/or certified. The current professional organizations that certify sex therapists include:

American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)
American Board of Sexology (ABS)
American Board of Christian Sex Therapists (ABCST)

Both the AASECT and ABS organizations are very liberal in their beliefs and practices. It is very important for anyone considering sex therapy to find out as much as they can about the therapist and their practices in order to find someone that will be most appropriate and therapeutically beneficial.

What is Christian Sex Therapy?

I was recently asked what the difference was between a Christian sex therapist and other sex therapists. With a Christian sex therapist you are generally more assured that the therapist shares a view of marriage as a divinely ordained institution between a man and a woman, and that sex is reserved for the intimate relationship between a husband and wife.

A Christian sex therapist can be very comforting to a client who already has concerns about sex therapy in general and what might be suggested therapeutically. Common differences in values and beliefs are likely to come into play in matters concerning pornography, masturbation, gender and sexual identity, divorce, infidelity, and appropriate inhibitions.

Finding a Sex Therapist

I do wish there were a lot more Christian sex therapists out there for those who hold more conservative and religious beliefs about sex and marriage. Many couples are in need of sex therapy, so the challenge of finding a good and suitable sex therapist makes getting this intimate help even more challenging. Even secular sex therapists are pretty difficult to find in a lot of areas.

You can certainly check the therapist directories of AASECT, ABS, ABCST for certified sex therapists. (You might even check AAMFT for good marital therapists who can help.) I’d suggest coupling that with some research of your own. Talk to local therapists for referrals to find therapists who may not necessarily be certified, but who may specialize in intimacy issues. Finding someone that understands, respects and/or shares your values may be of utmost importance.

I have begun a Marital Intimacy Therapist Registry of those I know who have at least some specialized training, knowledge, and comfort in the area of sex and intimacy. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints may also want to contact counselors found through The Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists (AMCAP) for referrals to those who specialize in sexual issues.

At some point after I finish my graduate work and become licensed as a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist I will be doing private practice counseling, phone consultations, group therapy, and engaging in preventative/educational efforts through additional articles, books, couples cruises, workshops and seminars, etc.

Walking on Sacred Ground

I like what one of our instructors had to say about the private and sacred nature of sex therapy. He said that he often tells his clients that he will be asking questions, and they will be discussing things that are technically none of his business, but that it may be necessary for such discussions in order to help the couple.

I too concur with the understanding that sex therapy is incredibly private and sacred work. I feel that I am walking on sacred ground when I am allowed into such a personal and private domain of a couple’s relationship.

The Need for Sex Therapy

I hope this clears up any misconceptions or fears anyone may have had regarding sex therapy. It’s certainly a delicate domain for clients and therapists.

Sex therapy is one of the most complex forms of therapy given the many contributing factors to one’s sexuality and one’s sexual relationship in marriage. It is my belief that prevention and education can do much to help people avoid therapy. But the truth is that couples often need someone to share their story with, so that specific insights and interventions can be collaboratively determined.

I encourage couples to begin somewhere in addressing the exquisitely important intimate relationship in their marriage. Most every couple can benefit from some kind of sexual instruction and education. I’m biased, but a good place to start is to read and discuss the book And They Were Not Ashamed–Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment with your spouse.

From there I hope you will consider marriage education classes or workshops and even sex therapy if you want to nip problems in the bud before they become nearly insurmountable. The sexual relationship in marriage is one of God’s great gifts to mankind. It is our responsibility to understand and embrace this gift for it’s maximum enjoyment in marriage.

Information compiled from: The Institute for Sexual Wholeness, “Basic Issues in Sex Therapy” course taught by Dr. Douglas Rosenau, Dr. Mike Sytsma, and Dr. Mark Yarhouse.

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The Lost Art of Kissing

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:34:57 +0000

Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and making out.

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When was the last time you and your spouse made out?! Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and making out.

When couples were dating, kissing was an exciting and savored experience. But after marriage many couples seem to have abandoned sensual, lip-to-lip (face or neck) kissing not only because additional sexual pleasures are now available, but maybe for other more intimate reasons of which they may not be aware.

Sex therapist, Dagmar O’Connor notes that kissing is actually far more intimate than sexual intercourse, because when we kiss, we cannot depersonalize the experience the way we can more easily if we are just “having sex.” Kissing as part of lovemaking makes the experience more intimate, and helps keep the relationship or the emotional connection more present.

Re-awaken the Pleasure

My encouragement to couples is to re-awaken the pleasure and enjoyment not only of kissing within lovemaking, but also to enjoy and engage in more kissing for it’s own sake–you know, making out!

Maybe you can go park somewhere after date night with the conscious agreement to sensually and/or teasingly explore each other’s face, lips, mouth, neck, ears, and eyelids with kissing, nibbling, touching–being as creative as possible–without any pressure or expectation that it will lead to something more.

Get Creative–Have Fun!

Vary the intensity, the tempo, and/or the duration of the kisses. Pause with your faces barely touching to simply breathe each other in. Whatever you do, be playful, tease a little and have fun! Just remember that whatever is going on in your mind is going to come through in your kiss, so keep it positive and lovingly focused.

Some spouses may not like the idea of kissing that doesn’t lead to “something more” especially when they feel that there’s already not enough of the “something more” in their relationship. But learning to re-enjoy kissing for it’s own sake is one of the great ways to also make it easier for lovemaking to more often follow.

If there are specific inhibiting factors that are keeping you from engaging in this important aspect of affection and intimacy then discuss these things with your spouse, and see if you can come up with ideas that would make things better for both of you.

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Be sure to tune in to our next few episodes of “The Marital Intimacy Show” for more indepth insights and suggestions to help restore the art of kissing to its pre-marriage status as something anxiously anticipated!

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Facebook — Let’s Connect!

Strengthening Marriage, Inc. — Become a fan!

“The Marital Intimacy Show” — Become a fan!

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show