Laura's Strengthening Marriage Blog &#187; Marriage

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Marriage and intimacy expert, Laura M. Brotherson, is the author of a bestselling book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.

Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, marriage and family therapist, and host of “The Marital Intimacy Show” on The Women’s Information Network (The WIN).

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Self-Help Sex Therapy

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:36:59 +0000

Now that I am pretty heavy into counseling and therapy in my practice I am finding it difficult to find enough time to help everyone that is requesting my services. In addition, there are some who may not be able to afford counseling or who have spouses that won’t talk to anyone about it…at least at this point.

So, the purpose of this post is to provide some first steps for individuals or couples while they are waiting for additional help (particularly those on my current waiting list) or for those who are on their own in trying to improve their intimate relationship.

1. Read and Do the Homework in And They Were Not Ashamed

Step 1 of your self-help sex therapy is definitely to read (either together or on your own) my book And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and do the homework suggested at the end of each chapter. This is similar to the kind of counseling work I would do with clients in sessions (and the homework I would give as well) to help clients identify what is getting in the way of them enjoying the sexual relationship as God intended it.

One of the reasons I wrote this book was because many people unfortunately wont go see a sex therapist, but they will read a book in the privacy of their own home. My book is available on CD or at Audible.com for you to listen to. It will soon be available as an ebook in it’s various formats. Yay!

2. Listen to The Marital Intimacy Show Podcasts

Step 2 is to listen to as many of my short and sweet Marital Intimacy Show podcasts as you can, and do at least a brief writing afterwards of the highlights and/or anything that caught your attention as applicable to your situation. These episodes are like FREE mini self-help counseling sessions that I would be having with you and/or your spouse if we were in a session together.

3. Utilize my Other Resources

Step 3 is to be sure you are utilizing the other resources I have for addressing your sexual questions and issues. In addition to the MIS audiocasts, other resources I have include:

My blog – Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog. You’ll find many articles and posts that address the common issues couples face. My blog here also has a great reservoir of conversations between myself and our fabulous blog followers asking questions and trying to help each other out with their marital and intimacy challenges. You can find that information in the Open Forum sections on this blog.
My Articles. I’ve written over 50 articles available on my website strenmarr.com to help you think through some of the challenges you may be facing. I generally provide some suggestions or action items for you to actively work on various dimensions of your life and your relationship.
Facebook and Twitter. Social media is another great resource for information sharing, so be sure to join us on my Marital Intimacy Show page and my Strengthening Marriage, Inc. page on FB or follow me on Twitter @LauraBrotherson or @MaritalIntimacy to receive daily insights and motivation to help you strengthen your marriage.
Newsletter. My “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter is another resource to provide help in strengthening your marriage.
Straight Talk Q&A — In my “Straight Talk Q&A” I’ve answered a lot of common questions that I’ve received over the years that can also help you figure out some helpful solutions for your own situation.
More Books on the Way. Since there is no chance I’ll ever be able to help all those who may want or need my individual time and services, I am working on my next two books that again are very much what we would be working on together in counseling sessions. One of these next books will encapsulate the key secrets of female sexuality and the other will highlight the important aspects of male sexuality. These will be additional valuable resources for couples to have for additional self-help sex therapy.

4. Get Professional Help

Step 4 is to get professional help if the above steps are not enough.

I was telling my husband the other day that I just had to get doing my podcasts more frequently and to get our next two books written because I’m just not being able to reach enough people who want my help and he said, “You know Laura, that may be true, but I’m not sure any of those things can actually replace someone talking with your directly.” It was certainly a sweet thing for him to say, but it is also kinda true.

There’s a magic that happens in the process of counseling together that you really can’t recreate any other way. So, do get some help if the above suggestions are not enough. Thankfully for many couples it is enough to help them shift their sexual relationship! But that won’t be true for everyone.

So, to recap, (1) read my book And They Were Not Ashamed, (2) listen to my podcasts, (3) read and use the other resources on my website StrengtheningMarriage.com, and then (4) seek out professional help in the form of counseling or even just a couple consultations.

I hope this gives you some guidance as you engage in your own self-help sex therapy and work toward creating a wonderful, mutually fulfilling sexual relationship in your marriage!

Related Resources: ”Self-Help Sex Therapy” episode #057 The Marital Intimacy Show podcast

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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Yay for Date Night!—Quotes & Resources

Laura M. Brotherson — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:00:49 +0000

It’s Friday night. Do you have some plans for date night with your spouse?! It need not be expensive, just something to give you a chance to reconnect after a long week. It’s also great for emotional foreplay for both husband and wife! : )

One of the purposes of date night is to build positive associations of fun and enjoyment with your spouse and the relationship you share. It’s just too easy for the weight of the world to pull you apart without dedicated time and attention for pleasurable reconnecting with your spouse. Don’t let the opportunity pass you by!

DATE NIGHT QUOTES

More marriages die of neglect than of anything else. Don’t forget Date Night!
Date Night is insurance for your marriage.
Date night is great emotional foreplay for both husband and wife.
Date Night–It’s cheaper than marriage counseling! : )
If women would spend more time working on the sexual relationship in their marriage and less time on other things (like what to do for date night) their relationship would improve by leaps and bounds. The truth is that improving the sexual relationship is probably the single most effective thing couples can do to build a strong marriage, because to get the sexual relationship working well already requires that most other important dimensions be nurtured as well.
Date night gives you a chance to get away from it all and slip into “couple mode” for a few delightful hours.
Date Night–It’s my favorite night of the week!
Date night is NOT optional for those who want to create a close and connected intimate relationship.
Date Night — Just do it!
Date Night — When there’s a will there’s a way!
Date Night…it’s definitely worth the effort!
Date night helps to keeps the fun in the relationship. When the fun goes out of the marriage then the motivation to deal with the inevitable challenges goes too.
Marriage requires constant nourishment. Date night nourishes the relationship mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually…if you’re lucky! : )
Date Night is a great way to easily take care of “Tenderness, Thoughtfulness, Teasing, Talk, Touch, Time” which are all part of the “8 T’s” of feeding into and nourishing female sexuality.
“Couples can do a lot to improve their marriages by going out alone to do something special, just the two of them, with no children tagging along” (~ Gary Panetta).
“Marriage is work. Your marriage is going to be only as good as the work you put into it” (~ Kristy Hemmele).
Date night is not Family night! Get a babysitter and go enjoy some alone time with your honey. Strengthening your marriage with regular date nights is the best thing you can do for your kids anyway!
Date Night – “Creating informal rituals when you can connect emotionally is critical in a marriage” (John M. Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work)
“One drawback of long-term love is that many couples allow dating to fall by the wayside. The two of you can easily fall into a routine and into the mind-set that just being together is enough. However, continuing to ‘date’ your long-term love will help your relationship go the distance” (Dr. Laura Berman).
Date night can be a real oasis in a couple’s life!
Date Night — It’s my light at the end of the tunnel!

OTHER DATE NIGHT RESOURCES

Blog — Love, Actually Blog (wonderful and creative date ideas)
Blog — The Dating Divas (12 dating diva girlfriends share their fun and inexpensive date ideas)
Article — “Date Night is NOT Optional” by Laura M. Brotherson
Article — “Raising the Bar on Date Night” by Laura M. Brotherson
Article — “43 Date Night Ideas” (fun date night ideas from Redbook magazine)
Article — “Date Night on a Dime” (fun and inexpensive Date Night ideas)
Website — “Hot Date Ideas” (lots of different Date Night ideas)
Article — “10 Outside-the-box Date Ideas” (fun new date ideas!)

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
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Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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We Have eBooks!

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:00:42 +0000

eBook — And They Were Not Ashamed –
just $4.99 til Jan 10th, 2012!

We have eBooks! We’re thrilled to finally have our book And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment available in eBook format for all you eBookers out there!

Click here for our eBook if you have the Amazon Kindle and click here for our Nook Book if you have a Nook from Barnes & Noble.

New to eBooks?

For those of you who are new to the world of eBooks, an eBook is an electronic book in a downloadable digital format readable on computers, cell phones (through eBook apps), or other electronic devices or tablets such as the Amazon Kindle, the Barnes & Noble Nook reader, or an iPad tablet.

Amazon.com is where you would get my eBook if you have a Kindle or Kindle app on your cell phone (iPhones, Smartphones, Droids, etc.) or if you have an e-reader tablet (iPads, Droid tablets, etc.). Barnes & Noble.com is where you would download my eBook for your Nook tablet.

You can learn all you need to know about the world of eBooks in this informative article if you are just now entering (or contemplating) : “Kindle vs. Nook vs. iPad: Which e-Book Reader Should You Buy?”

To purchase the eBook And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura M. Brotherson:

Click if you have the Amazon Kindle
Click here if you have a Nook from Barnes & Noble

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

FACEBOOK PAGE

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Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Celebrating 20 Years with My Sweetheart

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 05:50:35 +0000

In honor of 20 years of marriage to my sweetheart, Kevin, I’ve gathered some of our couple/anniversary photos throughout the years (2011 – 1991) to share with you. You’ll also find a link to some fun marriage tradition ideas to help you celebrate your years together and make them continually better and better!

Related Info — Wedding Anniversary Traditions

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?????икониПравославни икониикони на светцииконописikoniсвети георги

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Marriage and intimacy expert Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a bestselling book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, relationship consultant, and host of the online “Marital Intimacy Show.”

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Celebrating 50 Years of Marriage

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 19:01:37 +0000

Happy 50th Anniversary! — Morris and Elaine Bastian

It isn’t everyday that a couple reaches that fabulous milestone of 50 years of marriage. My good friends, Morris and Elaine Bastian, have successfully done just that!

Morris and Elaine Bastian have been great supporters of my efforts through the years to help strengthen marriages. In fact, Morris Bastian was one of the editors of my book And They Were Not Ashamed — Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.

The following is a little bit about the Bastians, and some of their suggestions for building a strong and happy marriage to last throughout the years.?????

About the Bastians

Morris and Elaine Bastian met on a blind date after Morris returned home from a mission to Northern California for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Morris and Elaine attended a dance at the Institute of Religion at Boise Junior College in Boise, Idaho. Morris said it was love at first sight, as she was the “most naturally beautiful” girl he’d ever seen. Elaine said it took her a little longer to be “won over.” Morris said of their courtship:

“We went together for about two months. I was in love, but I tried to forget her because I just couldn’t see how I could marry and do all the things I felt I had to do before marriage…especially graduate from college and get established in a career. So, I phoned her one night and called it off. I told her I was sorry, but it just wasn’t right.

Three days later, I found myself at her door at 11:30 p.m. at night with an engagement ring. I felt like a heel. I didn’t know what to say or do so I just gave her the ring and that was that. Thankfully she accepted! We were engaged on June 28, 1960, and married on September 9, 1960 in the Idaho Falls LDS Temple.”

Morris and Elaine have raised seven wonderful children, and have shared a life of faith and service to others. Elaine is a great woman of faith, and a believer in the promises of God. She often taught her children that, “All things work together for your good when you walk uprightly before God.”

Morris spent most of his professional life teaching at the Boise Institute of Religion at what is now Boise State University. Together Morris and Elaine have served many missions for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

They have served as mission president of the South Dakota Rapid City Mission (1979 – 1982); a Church Educational System (CES) mission to BYU-Hawaii as an instructor in the department of religion (1998 – 2000); and a CES mission to Southern Virginia University (SVU) as an instructor in the institute (2010 – 2011).

One of their favorite pastimes is to dance to the oldies in their kitchen!

Thoughts on Building a Strong and Lasting Marriage

The following are some of the Bastian’s thoughts about key things that help build a strong and lasting marriage:

1. Be Committed. Enduring marriages begin with a strong commitment to do whatever it takes to stay together. The commitment has to be stronger than “We’ll see,” or “We’ll try,” or “I’ll do my best.” Just like there are good days and bad days in your life; there are good times and trying times/seasons in your marriage. You have to find a way through the tough times.

2. Fight Fair. If you must fight, fight fair. No hitting below the belt. Don’t issue ultimatums, make threats, get even, etc. Marriage isn’t always easy, but it is still wonderful and worth it.

3. Stay Focused. Always keep your eye on the important things–like being a forever family. Don’t get distracted. Always remember what your marriage is about. It’s easy to be blinded by the craftiness of men.

4. Meet Each Others Needs. Follow the advice given by Martin Luther: “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”

5. Be the Best Spouse You Can Be. Charles Shedd wrote: “Marriage isn’t so much about finding the right person as being the right person.” We have found that concept to be foundational in strong and enduring marriages.

Congratulations to Morris and Elaine Bastian for their wonderful life together thus far. They have been a shining example not only of a life of service and love of God, but they also set a great example of a happy and healthy marriage to all! Thank you!

Related Articles: “Happily Married Couples Needed” by Laura M. Brotherson

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FACEBOOK PAGEStrengthening Marriage, Inc.

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?????

Open Forum 3

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 01:46:39 +0000

Welcome to our new “Open Forum 3” discussion page!

We continue to create new Open Forum pages for you to post your questions and comments, and for us all to discuss important marriage and intimacy issues. Please post your new comments/questions to this Open Forum 3 post below.

For additional insights, you can review previous discussions by clicking on the links below:

Open Forum 3 (to post NEW questions and comments)
Open Forum 2 (posts from Jun 30, 2009 — Apr 3, 2011)
Open Forum 1 (posts from Aug 14, 2007 – Jun 29, 2009)
Laura’s Straight Talk Q&A (for other questions and answers from Laura)

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This is the place to post your questions and comments and have an open dialogue about subjects related to marriage, sex, intimacy and parenting. I hope you will consider yourself a valuable resource in this forum, as you share not only your questions, but also your own insights and solutions.

Please continue to be attentive to the tone of your posts, so that we can maintain an atmosphere of reverence and respect for each other and the sanctity of sexuality in marriage.

I will try to respond as often as I can, but hope you will step up and share your insights as well.

As you reply to the various comments below it will thread each comment in order (newest posts at the bottom) to make it fairly easy to follow the discussions.

Some readers incorrectly post their questions on our StrengtheningMarriage.com Comments Page instead of here in this forum. I will move those questions over here to this forum to allow for easier discussion.

Thank you all for your participation here! Let’s learn and improve our marriages together! : )

The Kissing Closet

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 21:49:22 +0000

One affectionate couple found themselves being shoved into the kitchen pantry by their grossed-out children who didn’t want to see their parents kissing! (That’s a separate issue to tackle, if your children have a negative response to your PDA!)

This was the beginning of this couple’s regular romantic rendevous in their “Kissing Closet.” (Click here for their story.)

What a fabulously fun idea for couples!

Do You Have a Kissing Closet?

The kissing closet is a great idea for any couple to add a bit of fun and flirtatiousness (is that a word?) to their relationship. Do you have a “kissing closet?”

If you do or like the idea of creating a kissing closet in your home, we’d love to have you send us your kissing closet pictures for us to share them here on our “Strengthening Marriage Blog.”

Kissing Closet or Kissing Pantry?

Our kids took issue with the fact that this kissing “closet” idea was technically a kissing “pantry,” and thought we ought to move it to the real closet in our bedroom. But what fun is that?

The whole point of a kissing closet (in the kitchen) is to publicly torture your kids (even though we know they think it’s cute and funny), and to have quick and easy access to steal a kiss.

Kissing Closet Photo Session

As you can see from our kissing closet photo session below, there are functional purposes of the kissing closet for my husband and myself…

He happens to be a foot taller than I am, so the fact that there is a step-stool in the closet makes our kissing closet an extra fun way for me to be able to more easily reach my honey’s lips without straining myself! (…looks like I still need a taller stool!)

(Seriously, my husband thinks he’s quite the character. Please don’t anybody tell him I’m actually posting these photos! ; )

Keep the Spark Alive

We hope you’ll consider creating a kissing closet in your home and see how much fun it will be! It’s a great way to add a little spice to your relationship and keep that spark alive!

Don’t forget to send us your photos!

Share your kissing closet pictures here!

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NOTE: If you’re not a big fan of kissing, be sure to listen to the following audio episodes of Laura’s “Marital Intimacy Show” to help you change your tune:

#026 The Bliss of a Kiss–Restoring the Lost Art of Kissing, Pt 1

#027 The Bliss of a Kiss–Restoring the Lost Art of Kissing, Pt 2

#028 The Bliss of a Kiss–Restoring the Lost Art of Kissing, Pt 3

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StrengtheningMarriage.com Discount at The Anniversary Inn

Laura M. Brotherson — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 06:15:54 +0000

We are thrilled to announce that The Anniversary Inn is now offering our StrengtheningMarriage.com fans a fabulous discount at all their Anniversary Inn locations in Salt Lake City, Utah, Logan, Utah and Boise, Idaho!

You can now enjoy a 25% off discount on any romantic, luxurious Anniversary Inn suite (any night, any location, Sappire level suites excluded)! Check out all fun themed suites by Clicking Here!

To reserve your romantic getaway you can either call 1-800-324-4152 to reserve your suite and ask for the “StrengtheningMarriage.com” discount or make your reservation online then call to have the “StrengtheningMarriage.com” discount added to your account.

Some of my favorite things about The Anniversary Inn:

The sparkling cider!
The delectable cheesecake desserts!
The jacuzzi!
The fireplace!
The warm delicious breakfast delivered right to your door at the time you specify…in case you want to sleep in! : )
The big-screen TV with free movie rentals!
The romantic ambience of the Anniversary Inn suites! : )

Fun Anniversary Inn Photos

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One Real but Wrinkled Wife or a Harem of Airbrushed Virtual Goddesses?

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 22:40:55 +0000

by Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D.

Psychologist and clinical director of the Addiction Resource Center for Healing (ARCH), author of the book Love You, Hate the Porn, and blog of the same name.

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The amazing thing about pornography is how it can keep arousal fresh when it would otherwise stagnate; keep excitement electric when it would neutralize; keep us awake when we’d otherwise sleep.

Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson probe porn’s secret recipe for keeping the high going. Key ingredient: the convincing illusion of so many willing participants eager to have sex with little old “moi”—the viewer. (This is where the the brain’s illogical, gullible, pleasure-driven Responder screams, “This is real!”)

A Real-life One-and-Only

What could be better than that dreamy vision; that fantastic mirage?

How about a real life “one-and-only”?

Last Valentine’s day, I was quite attuned to my wife of twenty-two years. Jenny and I went to grab lunch together, which consisted mostly of me waiting in the car with our two little chatterbugs while she ran into Target to grab heart-shaped treats for our fourth grader’s class.

Why did my heart skip a beat when I saw that it really was her in the blue sweats walking out the door of the store? Why did we have so much fun shoveling down twenty bucks worth of Thai food in under ten minutes? Why did I feel just a little giddy when I asked her to be my valentine and she smiled?

I wanted her to have a good day, so I splurged at Amazon and got her an old audio version of a poetry collection, Grow Old Along With Me, the Best Is Yet to Be. The excerpt I heard long ago on the radio had Ed Asner reading the title poem by Robert Browning. On that program they also read another poem about the comfortable familiarity of the folds of wrinkly skin in a beloved’s face.

I’ll Take the Wrinkly Face

Those poems affected me. I’ve talked with Jenny about them several times since.

That’s right: Mary Tyler Moore’s Lou Grant, that suave romantic. And wrinkly skin, that old reliable turn-on.

The books are still fifteen bucks online, so who would have guessed that a still shrink-wrapped audio cassette version would be so affordable (wink)? I splurged and dropped a dollar (plus four for shipping and handling) to let my one-and-only know she still is…my one-and-only!

I didn’t go to bed that night thinking that it was an amazing day. I have come to enjoy those little charged-up moments and connected comforts as a part of life. Sure, they’re a great part of life, but their also familiar and reliable. Expected!

But when I woke up in the middle of the night my mind flashed my day’s easy enjoyments against the backdrop of the harsh arid landscape that I see every day in the lives of the porn junkies I love and try to help.

The Real Thing Lingers on The Heart

The effect of a poem about “a wrinkled old one-and-only” lingers with me after more than a decade. The effect of the best porn we’ve ever seen lingers for a few minutes, and then we need something else, something more.

In our culture, which so prizes beauty and youth, it may seem downright odd that an aging couple could be more and more pleased by each other as the years pass. Nonetheless, it’s a phenomenon that doesn’t peter out in middle age.

If you know a handful of elderly couples, think about those among them who are still intensely drawn to one another. Watching them is evidence enough that attraction is not primarily based on attractiveness.

While this phenomenon remains fertile ground for poets, the inner workings of this magic have also been scrutinized by scientists. We know that the brain’s dopamine pleasure system can be desensitized over time if it is subjected to addictive levels of sexual stimulation. Which hints that the converse is true: it can remain highly sensitized among monogamous individuals who reserve their lust for their one and only.

Relationship Super-Glue

Not only that, but another potent chemical is at work here as well. Oxytocin is like relationship super-glue. To compare: a dump of dopamine is the reward our brains give us for finding something new and exciting, but it can quickly dissipate and leave us hankering. Oxytocin, on the other hand, is the gift our brain gives us that keeps on giving.

Unlike dopamine, we get more oxytocin when we’re with someone familiar and beloved. (Oxytocin is released in breastfeeding mothers and their infants, and you won’t see either of them looking around for a new and more exciting partner.)

While we become desensitized and less affected by dopamine over time, our sensitivity to oxytocin is heightened over time. Seeing, touching, and hearing a devoted partner gains more and more power over time to trigger the release of this chemical.

A ninety-year-old woman walks into the room and her husband can’t hold back a sigh. “You can see why I love her!” The rest of us think, “Well, actually…no.” But there’s no doubting his sincerity.

Deadening the Capacity to Connect

This generation of young adults have been dubbed “Generation XXX” by Jason Carroll, who has surveyed students at six colleges about their levels of exposure, acceptance, and consumption of pornography. 87 percent of the males in their survey acknowledged seeking out and viewing pornography in the past year, with 20 percent viewing it daily or nearly every day.

Surely some of them would not be such eager consumers if they realized that they’re impeding their capacity to fully attach to and enjoy their relationship with a one-and-only.

In her article The Porn Myth, Naomi Wolf wrote, “The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women…greater supply of the stimulant equals diminished capacity.”

One reader responded to Wolf’s claim this way: “I hate porn. Why? Because I’m one of the younger guys who have grown up with the easy accessibility of the internet. It’s easy to see whatever you want with just a quick Google search. I hate it because I allowed myself to be immersed into it and it’s become a part of me. I got married, had two kids, and now I’m divorced and my wife has remarried. I have been through so much pain in my life, and I attribute it to precisely what Ms. Wolf has explained in this article. Even now, my mind has been desensitized, and I work my way through it. It’s a constant battle. I know that I’ve been desensitized–I see it and feel it. Emotionally, I’ve scarred myself. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone who wishes to have a family and a wife to cherish.”

Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton compares a porn-ravenous young adult to a confused insect on the verge of extermination. Here’s why: In place of chemical insecticides, sex attractants are now commonly used by farmers to control insect populations. Air currents carry the mist of condensed female pheromones out over crops and orchards.

Science journalist Anna Salleh describes what happens next: “The male either becomes confused and doesn’t know which direction to turn for the female, or he becomes desensitized to the lower levels of pheromones naturally given out by the female and has no incentive to mate with her… The insects follow the pheromone trail into the trap.”

Just as pheromones do not occur in the natural world at that exaggerated level, pornography opens our brains’ floodgates of dopamine in concentrations that otherwise never occur. Dr. Hilton’s right: we’re as vulnerable to the effects of porn as these insects are to their exterminators’ bait. Just like the bugs, we get confused, desensitized, and lose our capacity and incentive for enjoying a real-life partner.

Cultivating a Lifestyle Conducive to Lasting Love

Fortunately, we do have something on those confused little critters. We can choose. We need not keep swimming around in a “super-stimulation-concentrate.” We can give up porn’s fleeting pleasures, restore our sensitivity, and cultivate a lifestyle that’s more conducive to lasting love. In the process, we’ll discover what we might have never suspected: one real, but wrinkled wife really is better than an endless harem of airbrushed virtual goddesses.

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Visit Dr. Mark Chamberlain’s blog.

Watch this video discussing what wives can do to help.

Buy the book, Love You, Hate the Porn.

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