Laura's Strengthening Marriage Blog » Sex

Orgasm’s Secret Ingredients

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 05:29:46 +0000

It can be complicated to try to figure out all the right ingredients for a woman to experience an orgasm. Many women have tried almost everything they can imagine. Maybe they are missing one necessary ingredient…

Because every woman and every relationship is so different I thought I’d start compiling a running list here of things couples might try to bring about orgasm. Most of these suggestions are things that have specifically helped couples I’ve counseled.

So, gook luck in your sexual adventures, and let us know what suggestions have been most helpful. We’d love to have readers share their secret sexual ingredients as well if they are willing! ; )

Orgasm Helps and Hints

Remember for women sex is a decision, so make the decision to go there!
Read And They Were Not Ashamed and do the homework at the end of each chapter to clear out as many inhibiting issues as you can on your own and/or with your spouse.
Initiate sex instead of being the more passive recipient of his sexual advances.
Take the lead sexually. A woman ultimately needs to be in charge of her orgasm to be sure she is getting what she needs. Husbands do play a big role not only in providing the physical/sexual stimulation that a woman needs, but also they are a key to the mental and emotional foreplay that she needs.
Be sure you and your husband have specifically read chapters 3, 4 and 5 of my book And They Were Not Ashamed so that you both understand the intricacies of a woman’s sexual wiring and the differences between a husband and a wife’s sexual wiring.
Utilize lingerie to get in the mood, to feel sexy, and to make a conscious decision to go there, ‘cuz for women sex is a decision! Put it on even a while before lovemaking to help you mentally prepare.
Utilize some mood music or bedroom music to help get in the mood, stay focused on romantic emotions and help keep out mental distractions.
Utilize scented candles to lower the lights to help with body image worries and to add a pleasurable aromatic addition to the experience. It can make the whole experience more romantic and help her go from “mommy” mode to wife and lover mode.
Use Lelo Balls as kegel muscle exercisers to strengthen the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles (PC muscles) and learn what orgasm feels like (the contractions).
Do kegel exercises/contractions during lovemaking/intercourse to increase pleasure and to lead your body to the involuntary PC muscle contractions that occur during orgasm.
Keep a sex journal to identify what helps you with arousal and what hinders arousal.
Have more buildup, more foreplay in your lovemaking. Don’t overlook the necessity of foreplay to get a woman ready for orgasm. Review chapter 3 of And They Were Not Ashamed to understand the Warm-up/Preparation phase women may need in order to be able to go all the way!
Do the “positive flooding” exercise on pg 53 of my book (And They Were Not Ashamed) to help with mental and emotional connection and arousal. It’s great emotional foreplay!
Increase your verbalizations during lovemaking, which can significantly increase sexual arousal especially for women because of the mental foreplay/arousal it provides. Utilize auditory arousal (pg 133, And They Were Not Ashamed) to help with getting her mind focused and helping to shut out mental distractions. This could simply be verbal expressions of pleasure on either or both of your parts.
Create role play scenarios to play out mentally and verbally during lovemaking to help keep her mind occupied (Auditory Arousal).
Make your orgasmic efforts a fun and playful journey–no pressure! Don’t get too serious about it. Let it happen as you are barely paying attention to it. Just play around together. It’s tough to do when you’re frustrated about not experiencing orgasm, but orgasm occurs best in a relaxed environment of enjoyment and playfulness than with too much focused concentration on a specific outcome. Let go of the outcome, that whatever happens it will be good!
Be sure you are getting enough clitoral stimulation. Play around with the clitoris to identify just what’s pleasurable instead of to “have an orgasm.” Figure out what feels good to you there? What kind of movement? How much pressure? etc.
Try using a vibrator to help your body more easily experience the necessary clitoral stimulation and sexual arousal. Would an orgasm with a vibrator used together in lovemaking be better than no orgasm at all? See also my Straight Talk Q&A about vibrator use.
Be sure you have enough lubrication for pleasurable sensations.
Keywords for your lovemaking journey to orgasm should be: playful, teasing, exploring, adventurous
Try the Sensate Focus exercises (pg 242, And They Were Not Ashamed) and keep a sex journal about what you learn regarding what turns you on and what turns you off.
Consider decreasing your SSRI/depression medication and increase SAM-e supplement to decrease the negative sexual side effects (inhibited orgasm).
Do some free writing/process writing or have a conversation with your spouse about the meaning of orgasm?
Do some free writing/process writing or have a conversation with your spouse to explore the concept of sexual surrender/ letting go sexually or any related fears of losing control during lovemaking.
Engage in more emotional connection. Be sure you’re having regular date nights, couple time and/or pillow talk. Check out these Date Night articles and such!
Read other books that provide specific erotic activities that you could try. One wife found some great little techniques in John Gray’s Mars and Venus in the Bedroom for her and her husband to try that allowed her to get turned on enough to experience orgasm. This only came after a lot of work on relationship issues and emotional connection, so don’t start with sexual “techniques” if the relational/emotional foundation isn’t already good.
Learn to better focus your thoughts and pay attention to the pleasurable sexual sensations during lovemaking. Good sex is a mental discipline.
Repeat favorite love songs in your head to help with the mental discipline.
Be okay with surrender. Adopt a “take me” attitude! ; )
Be sure you have enough time to not worry or be rushed.
Increase body acceptance. Address body image issues. Listen to the body image podcasts (#033 – #037) and do the heart circle exercise repeating “I deeply and completely love and accept my body just the way it is!”
Develop and nourish your identity as a sexual being. “I am a sexual being, and it’s good!” Listen to the podcast #030 on developing a sexual identity.
Be sure your husband is able to contain himself as you get more and more aroused, so he doesn’t get too excited or make a big deal about your progress, or it can stop your sexual progress and make you feel self-conscious.
If you haven’t been able to figure it out yet, then be sure to employ the assistance of a marriage counselor/sex therapist (or check my Marital Intimacy Therapist Registry) to help dig into the specifics of things you may have missed or overlooked.
Keep the faith but let go of the need for orgasm and just enjoy your husband and the pleasurable experiences you share. Letting go of it is often requisite for it to show up!

Related Resources:

Listen t0 my Marital Intimacy Show podcast “Overcoming Obstacles of the Big ‘O’” — Part 1 – 3 (episodes #019 – #021)

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Marriage and intimacy expert, Laura M. Brotherson, is the author of a bestselling book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.

Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, marriage and family therapist, and host of “The Marital Intimacy Show” on The Women’s Information Network (The WIN).

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Good Girls Do!

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 10:23:21 +0000

Good Girls Don’t

One of the trends I continue to see in my work with couples is that there is still an ingrained belief and something of a cultural norm that says, “Good girls don’t.”

The idea is that good girls shouldn’t think about sex. Or that good girls don’t do sex, which prior to marriage is true. But the problem occurs when that gets carried over into marriage.

The lie is that good girls don’t read or learn about sex, nor do they ever fully embrace or develop their sexuality even within marriage. Many men struggle with similar beliefs wreaking havoc in their lives as well. Good girls are certainly not supposed to enjoy sex either.

Sex isn’t Satan’s Domain

Satan has made sex his realm. He’s usurped the whole thing as if sex has nothing to do with God and goodness at all. His counterfeit message is one of sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone. He’s even used the strength of good people against them to keep them far away from the subject altogether. He’s made it such taboo territory that few are willing to even attempt to restore its divine light.

In our efforts to teach youth that sexual activity is reserved for marriage–that good girls don’t…before marriage–we forget to mention that after marriage good girls do! That mental transition never fully occurs with many couples (wives and husbands included!).

Embracing God-given Sexuality

In order to help couples truly embrace their God-given sexuality as God designed it to be, there must be a restoration of goodness and wholesomeness attached to sex itself. Sexual intimacy is one of God’s great gifts to a husband and wife. Why would He not want us to fully receive and enjoy this gift!

I don’t imagine God’s too happy with Satan destroying something so precious, or having all the airtime about the subject.

Part of the effort to take sex out of the darkness–out of Satan’s territory–and restore it to God’s light is for each of us to do our part in overcoming those negative beliefs we personally hold. Then we need to do what we can to promote sex as a positive and wholesome activity within marriage. I like to refer to it as a “wholesome recreational activity!” : )

Put in a Good Word for Sex

I have been so thrilled to see that many have begun to speak out in defense of sex as a good thing–whether with their friends, their children or in their churches or communities. Just setting an example of confidently, openly and appropriately addressing the subject can go a long way towards changing the energy surrounding the subject.

I encourage us all to watch for opportunities to put in a good word for sex. Sex needs a new public relations team to restore its divine light and luster. We all need to help remind each other that in marriage good girls (and guys) do!

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

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The Marital Intimacy Show

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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Spicing Up Your Sexual Relationship — Laura’s “Dating Divas” Tele-Retreat Seminar

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:19:35 +0000

“The Dating Divas” SPECIAL of just $9 (continued thru 4/28) your copy of Laura’s book –
And They Were Not Ashamed!

Click here to listen to the tele-seminar recording
(80 mins/30 mins of Q&A at the end)

Here are the presentation slides and related information for my “Three Keys to Spicing Up Your Sexual Relationship” tele-seminar (Wed, Apr 18, 2012) for The Dating Divas “Successful Marriages” Tele-Retreat. For more information click here!

Be sure you are registered here (or here) to get the call-in information and access to the recording after the seminar! Click here to listen to the tele-seminar recording (or here). I believe it is just $1 to register for a two-week trial membership of The Dating Divas Community!

SLIDES — Follow the seminar presentation outline at Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
BOOK — Get Laura’s Book – And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment — Just $9 (50% off)
CONNECT — Find Us on Facebook

Strengthening Marriage, Inc. http://www.facebook.com/StrengtheningMarriage
The Marital Intimacy Show http://www.facebook.com/MaritalIntimacyShow

PODCAST — The Marital Intimacy Show — Quick List of all Episodes

www.TheMaritalIntimacyShow.com

NEWSLETTER – “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage”

See Podcast #001 & #002 – “Six Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage Sexually” — Part 1 & 2

Quick List of all “Marital Intimacy Show” Podcasts

See Podcast #023 – “Mood Music Q&A”

Quick List of all “Marital Intimacy Show” Podcasts

SLIDES — Follow the seminar presentation outline at Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
BOOK — Get Laura’s Book – And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment — Just $9 (50% off)
CONNECT — Find Us on Facebook

Strengthening Marriage, Inc. http://www.facebook.com/StrengtheningMarriage
The Marital Intimacy Show http://www.facebook.com/MaritalIntimacyShow

PODCAST — The Marital Intimacy Show — Quick List of all Episodes

www.TheMaritalIntimacyShow.com

NEWSLETTER – “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage”

Related Seminar Information — click here!

Related Resources (discussed during the seminar):

StrengtheningMarriage.com — Laura’s Straight Talk Q&A
Straight Talk Q&A — When husbands are the ones with less interest in sex
Podcasts — Episodes on body image issues #033 – #037
Podcasts — Episodes on affair-proofing your marriage #005 – #008
Podcasts — All Episodes “The Marital Intimacy Show”
Article — Sexy is a state of mind
Article — Date Night Articles & Quotes
Laura’s Book (softcover) – And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment (do the homework at the end of each chapter!)
Laura’s Book (on CD) — And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment
Blog – Open Forum Q&A
Book — The Sex Starved Wife by Michele Weiner Davis, DivorceBusting.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Embracing Sexuality

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:17:26 +0000

Living your sexual truth in marriage allows you to be more fully alive, more fully functioning as the multi-dimensional person you were divinely designed to be. God designed each of us as sexual beings. We must embrace that fact. It’s not only our marital relationship, but also our personal wholeness that is at stake.

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Living Your True Self

I recently attended a workshop about discovering and embracing your true self. It was an eye opening, and amazingly confirming and transforming experience. It was incredible to feel the difference when you truly accept and come home to who you are and live your truth more fully.

We all have things about ourselves that we might resist or try to downplay. We may even hide who we really are. Sometimes we are not even aware of it. Many good parts of our true selves get belittled or rejected at some point in our lives. Even well meaning family and friends, or the culture in which we live, has a way of making us feel ashamed of ourselves.

Asexual Self-View

Low sexual desire is one of the most common sexual issues couples face. I was intrigued to see some resonance between my Dressing Your Truth experience and some recent research about low sexual desire.

Women who struggle with sexual desire have been found to have an “asexual” self-view. They simply do not see or accept themselves as sexual beings. This is akin to not fully accepting important parts of who you are.

Without a sexual component to one’s identity, it’s little wonder that women struggle so with sexuality in marriage.

Sexuality in general and female sexuality more specifically tends to be ignored, discouraged, and even rejected. At the other end of the spectrum is a sexual free-for-all that is prominently promoted in popular culture.

It’s hard to find that rightful place somewhere in between where there is reverence for the sacredness of sexuality with some affirmation of its positive and wholesome purposes.

Embracing Your Sexuality

At what point does a woman receive the messages that her sexuality is a good and godly thing to be respected and embraced for it’s full expression within marriage? Young women are especially good at effectively internalizing the messages that are particularly intended for young men that they bridle or control those strong feelings.

In the process, many young women (and some men, too) shut their sexuality out completely, paving the way for frustration and heartache in marriage.

While it is wise counsel for both young men and women to learn to master their sexual feelings, somewhere along the line there is a lack of positive and affirming messages about the goodness of one’s sexuality and it’s enjoyment within marriage.

Short-term Vision Harms Marriage

The short-term perspective that is generally taken when giving sexual counsel to the youth, does much to harm the God-given gift of sexuality once it’s full expression is divinely granted within marriage. It’s one thing to help young people safely save their gift of sexuality for marriage, but it’s quite another to understand what it will take to fully enjoy this gift within marriage.

I’ve been saddened to see the pain of rejection that many husbands are feeling in their marriages. While many factors contribute to the lack of intimate expression and enjoyment in marriage, I have found that many women have simply not yet embraced their sexuality, putting husbands in a particularly helpless and hopeless predicament.

In an ongoing conversation on the Open Forum of my Strengthening Marriage Blog, one husband shared his situation as similar to many others who are without hope of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with their wives. He writes:

“I too have decided that I need to ‘give up on the dream’ of a relationship that I find fully fulfilling, turn it over to the Lord in prayer, and just try to be the best husband that I can. It has taken me years to get to this point. I do feel calmer most of the time than in the years before where I was often on the edge of being able to function. It is better now than when I would try REALLY hard to do everything possible and then emotionally crash when my hope was shattered. I do still try hard to be a good husband, but I don’t expect anything from it anymore. I do it because I am deeply in love with my dear wife, in spite of everything. One other thought that buoys me up is knowing that Satan is trying his best to use our sexual disconnect to drive a wedge into my marriage. I need to keep doing everything I can to keep that from happening, but it’s not easy.”

We must do better at instilling the wisdom of saving sex for marriage, while also helping young people understand it’s goodness, and prepare them to enjoy its godly purposes within marriage. It can truly be a grand source of strength for a husband and wife.

Sex is something God created as a wonderful gift for a husband and wife to enjoy in marriage. God designed each of us as sexual beings. We must embrace that fact. It’s not only our marital relationship, but also our personal wholeness that is at stake.

The Foundation of Sexual Fulfillment in Marriage

Especially for women, sexual expression is a product of healthy and positive thoughts and feelings about sex itself. A healthy sexual relationship in marriage requires healthy acceptance and full embracing of one’s sexuality as something good and wholesome. These provide the vital foundation for fulfilling sexual intimacy and passion in marriage.

When a woman has not yet fully embraced herself as a sexual being, designed that way by God, it will undermine all other efforts to create a strong and healthy relationship in marriage.

When there is a void of positive and affirming sex-related cognitions going into marriage, it’s a pretty steep climb to fill that void once married. It can be done. But, it would just be so much nicer for all of us to be better prepared to enjoy the exquisite gift of sexual expression in marriage.

Once a woman has fully embraced her sexuality as part of her identity, a flow of sex-related thoughts and feelings within marriage is still a necessary component of nourishing sexual desire. While it may seem like a foreign concept to some men, women generally must consciously cultivate such thoughts and feelings.

Living Your Sexual Truth in Marriage

Embracing your sexuality–one part of your true self–helps you to live your truth more fully in marriage. I believe God designed women to fully integrate their sexuality into their beingness, creating an incredible state of existence. It is a powerful position to live your whole truth!

This awakening and acceptance of one’s sexuality can have a lasting impact not only on the intimate relationship with one’s spouse, but also on one’s whole life. Living your sexual truth in marriage allows you to be more fully alive, more fully functioning as the multi-dimensional person you were divinely designed to be.

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Ways to Connect with Laura!

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Sexual Self-Confidence

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:27:58 +0000

Wondering about the discrepancy between the many women who dress provocatively in public and the many wives who struggle to share themselves freely with their spouses in the bedroom, one husband asked, “Does it take more confidence for a woman to dress revealingly in public, or to dress revealingly in her bedroom for her husband?”

What do you think?

The Bait and Switch

This question reminds me of the many men who feel that their wives were very passionate and affectionate before marriage then found that that didn’t translate into their marriage relationship. One husband even called it a “bait and switch.”

It’s my contention that women don’t mean to do this on purpose. They are simply poorly prepared for a healthy sexual relationship in marriage and often don’t understand the message and consequences of their flirty behavior.

It’s one thing for a woman to seem like “a tease” prior to marriage (though I don’t think most women mean to, at least consciously). It’s something completely different for them to be prepared to follow through on that tease within marriage!

It’s all about a healthy sense of self and one’s sexuality. This is not something that is generally taught, modeled or developed in young women (or men). Thus we can see some of the roots of sexual frustration in marriage.

What Is Sexual Self-Confidence?

Sexual self-confidence is the self-assurance and God-assurance, even, that one is loved and acceptable to one’s self and to God. This is coupled with sexual knowledge and application within marriage. Feeling sexy means you like and accept yourself–complete with flaws and imperfections–and embrace your sexuality. Being at peace with oneself is key to unlocking one’s sexual potential in marriage.

In my opinion, it does take more confidence and a stronger self-image to dress provocatively in front on one’s husband than it does to dress provocatively in public. Think about it.

To dress immodestly in public is fairly easy. You get lots of attention for being “eye candy,” without having to “do” anything to follow through with the consequences of your appearance. It’s the tease without any follow-through.

To dress revealingly for one’s husband requires a willingness or ability to go where that might lead! To dress provocatively in the “bedroom” generally means that the clothing is ultimately going to come off. This creates a whole bunch of issues for many women.

Self-image, body image, feelings about one’s spouse and sex in general all become significant factors. It’s a terribly vulnerable and anxiety-causing endeavor. Thus it takes much more self-assurance to dress alluringly for one’s husband than it does to do so in public. It also takes being at peace with one’s body, one’s sexuality, and even one’s spouse.

Self-Confidence, Teenage Girls and Dress

These issues of self-image and self-confidence are also at play in why teenage girls dress immodestly. It’s one thing if young women have not been taught to respect their bodies and themselves, or have not been taught that modesty is a good idea. But it’s quite another when they have been taught these things and still dress provocatively.

It generally comes down to a lack or an emptiness within themselves, which makes the attention received too much for some to resist. When someone is lacking in self-assurance, then it’s easier to fall prey to compensating for it by dressing provocatively.

Dressing modestly as young girls, or as women, is part of what builds self-esteem, especially when it totally goes against societal norms, and often takes a lot of thought and effort to do so.

Dressing modestly invites others to interact with you as a whole person instead of relying on the distractions of overtly noticeable physical characteristics. Self-confidence is best built upon righteousness and a personal relationship with God, not attention to body parts. It’s a powerful confidence builder when we do things that are difficult, but right.

One of the best things we can do to discourage people from dressing inappropriately in public is to encourage them to work on their feelings of self-worth, rather than merely being another voice telling them to stop it. It would be similar to telling a hungry child to stop eating the cookies on the table to tell a woman to dress modestly if she is filling a void with the attention she receives.

Sexy is a State of Mind

How important is this sexual self-confidence for a wife? Let’s just say it’s the difference between a mediocre marriage and a passionate intimate relationship. Truly liking one’s self is the best aphrodisiac for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Sexy is a state of mind. I like the statement, “I like who I am and I’m happy to share that with you!” If a woman, in particular, does not like herself inside and out, it is very difficult for her to share herself freely and fully with her husband.

Because a woman’s sexuality is primarily a product of her thoughts and beliefs about herself, her spouse, and sex in general, what goes on in a woman’s mind is of utmost importance. Having healthy, positive and productive thoughts, core beliefs, feelings, and attitudes form the foundation for true sexiness.

A sexy state of mind is a healthy and positive creation cultivated specifically for a mutually fulfilling and passionate marriage relationship. Beyond physical foreplay, the wise husband also pays careful attention to the psychological foreplay he engenders in his wife.

What Do Looks Have to Do with It?

Some have asked what one’s looks have to do with their sexual self-confidence. To be honest…the answer is NOTHING! Looks can be very deceiving.

I’ve worked with women who because of their appearance you would think would feel very sexy and enjoy sexual intimacy. They have all the supposed right “looks,” but they don’t really like themselves or their bodies (or their husbands, or sex itself). They find it very difficult to be or to feel sexy or to share themselves and their body with their spouse.

There are many other women who would not necessarily win a cover-girl contest, but who have developed their sexuality and their feelings about themselves, and their bodies, to the point of being very comfortable and even passionate within the sexual relationship. It’s not really about one’s looks, though it helps to at least feel like you are doing the best you can to take care of your physical body.

Make Sexual Self-Confidence a Priority

Making peace with one’s self and building a relationship with God are the keys to developing healthy self-confidence. Adding sexual knowledge and intimate learning with one’s spouse to that foundation, sexual self-confidence is created.

It’s not widely promoted for women to develop their sexual self-confidence, but it is being promoted here for the benefit of building many stronger and more intimate marriage relationships. The benefits are many! Just think of the positive and lasting legacy you will pass on to your children, in addition to the pleasurable benefits you’ll receive for yourself and your spouse!

Related Resources

ARTICLE – Sexual Incompatibility
ARTICLE — The Bait and Switch in Marriage
PODCAST — “What’s up with the Bait and Switch in Marriage Q&A?” Part 1 , Part 2 (The Marital Intimacy Show)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Ways to Connect with Laura!

The Dating Divas — Successful Marriages Tele-Retreat

Laura M Brotherson — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:58:56 +0000

Those amazing women at The Dating Divas have put together a one-of-a kind debut event to strengthen marriages — The Dating Divas “Successful Marriages” Tele-Retreat! Best of all — it’s FREE! — and you can participate right from the comfort of your own HOME.

On Wednesday, April 18th, 2012 at 6 p.m. (PST) or 7 p.m. (Mountain Time) I will be sharing some insights regarding “Spicing up Your Sexual Relationship.” Other amazing experts in love and marriage will be sharing their advice and experience throughout the week of April 16-20 as well. Rumor has it that there will also be some free gifts, so don’t miss out! : )

Register today by clicking here! You’ll find all kinds of great information and see all the fabulous presenters and their fun tele-seminar topics.

Over 1000 participants have already registered so don’t delay!

Related Resources:

Click here for the tele-seminar presentation slides!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
Subscribe to Blog Entries
Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Ways to Connect with Laura!

What’s Okay and What Isn’t Sexually?

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 04:30:43 +0000

Right up at the top of the list of things I get asked about the most are all of the what’s okay and what isn’t types of questions. I have addressed this topic fairly extensively in the writings mentioned below, but I do have a few additional thoughts for people to consider as they work together as husband and wife to determine what is right for them and what is in keeping with God’s plan for sexual relations in marriage.

Needing Approval

First of all I have some concerns about those of us who feel the need to get approval for a certain behavior or confirmation of “something we’ve heard” that’s okay or not okay in the bedroom. I guess I can understand where people are coming from though. Many of us just want to do what’s right and proper in God’s eyes and would rather err on the side of being extra cautious than not. I can certainly relate. I too always want to do what’s right.

Spiritual Confidence

My concern comes in when I see how many of us are not well versed in the language of the spirit of God and/or are not confident in our ability to receive divine guidance on this delicate subject. Some of us simply don’t want to put in the extra effort required to study it out and gain insight directly from the Lord on the matter. I do hope we will all strive to be better connected to the Source of divine guidance and less dependent on human validation.

Questions to Consider

In the meantime, I’ve identified a few questions and a quote that may help each of us in our marriages as we sort out the many what’s okay and what isn’t questions that abound.

Let’s say you want to add such-and-such to your lovemaking and really wonder if it’s appropriate or not. Here are some questions to ask yourself and to discuss with your spouse:

What is the purpose or intent of the behavior, etc. that you are wondering about?
What are the short-term and long-term outcomes of adding this to your intimate relationship?
Is the marriage relationship more likely to be strengthened or might it be weakened?

Yardstick for Appropriate Sexual Behavior

This quote by Susannah Wesley (mother of John Wesley) is an excellent yardstick by which we can measure anything we are wondering about regarding sex in marriage:

“Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish for spiritual things, whatever increases the authority of the body over the mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may seem in itself.”

I love that statement. What an wonderful measure for us to use to determine for ourselves the goodly or not-so-goodly behaviors we may want to consider in our intimate relationship. What might be okay for some couples might not be for others, and these questions can help us identify our uniquely individual answers.

Additional Information on What’s Okay and What Isn’t

You can find additional information about “What’s Okay and What Isn’t” in our book “And They Were Not Ashamed” (pg 135 – pg 142).
You can also listen to The Marital Intimacy Show episode #056 “Healthy Sex” where I share some key information to help couples understand the difference between healthy sex and unhealthy or pornography-related sex
In our Straight Talk Q&A I also address the the issue of oral sex.

Some of the issues I address in these various resources are:

Couples should feel free to express and develop their lovemaking within the intimate sanctuary of marriage.
Teaching correct principles — Not needing a laundry list of do’s and don’ts.
Common beliefs that can be detrimental to a healthy relationship.
The idea that once you’re married anything goes.
The suggestion that if you’re concerned about any particular behavior you should discontinue it.
Principles and teachings to help couples determine what’s okay and what isn’t.
We do not need to be commanded in all things.
We cannot possibly address all the ways to sin.
We need to follow the spirit of the law.
Couples can learn line upon line.
The Savior used parables and symbols to teach, allowing for individual understanding.
Dealing with sexual differences in marriage.
How to distinguish between godly and sinful behavior in the sexual relationship of marriage.
Understanding negative sexual conditioning.
Understanding divine guidance.
Identifying negative beliefs and developing spiritual sensitivity.
Why couples need to determine their answers for themselves.
Using someone’s opinions about what’s okay to badger one’s spouse.

I hope this information helps couples answer some of the many questions they have!

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A Taste of What Men Feel

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 03:00:56 +0000

The following is an email from a woman who shares her experience with feeling rejected sexually, and how it changed her perspective on many things about sex and the marriage relationship. We appreciate her willingness to share her insights.

Dear Laura,

I think I have just had a tiny glimpse into how men feel when they’re wives are not interested in sex. My husband has been very busy with work and lots of things on his plate, and so have I.

Last night I suggested we go for it! He almost seemed a bit surprised that I was seriously offering. He replied that he didn’t really want a quickie, as I guess that’s what he thought I was suggesting.

After talking a bit about some other stuff I said, “You know, we don’t have to just have a quickie,” and that’s when he said he was really tired and wanted to wait ’til tomorrow. It’s not like this was the end of the world or anything, or that he was outwardly rejecting me, like I imagine happens to some men.

But I just had a twinge of what it must feel like to be a man with an uninterested wife.

I had some work to do on the computer, so I went out to finish that. I remembered a product a friend had suggested for lovemaking and was looking it up. Some of the pictures were a little suggestive, and for the first time in my life I could finally see why pornography could be a potential draw for men (or even women).

Being in a minimal state of longing and feeling somewhat rejected definitely heightened my attraction to the visual images. I even had sexual dreams that night, that I normally never have or remember.

I know this is probably nothing compared to what many men experience on a regular basis. I am just humbled by what little piece of their lives I feel I may have now experienced.

I guess this kind of scenario is an example of how marriage is such a people-growing process. I had to calm my fears about my attractiveness. I had to discipline myself to not venture further into the romantic images that were readily available on the internet.

I had to acknowledge the important role sex plays in a marriage, probably even more so for men, many of whom have likely been frustrated for a long time.

I feel sad for them and for me, even though I know my situation is not a permanent condition. My husband would probably laugh at the drama I have attributed to this “non-situation.”

But I feel greater empathy for the many men who write to you and post on your website about their feelings of rejection and hopelessness.

I hope maybe somebody reading this will be encouraged to make sex a higher priority and to understand the sadness and vulnerability that is created by a lack of sexual connection in a marriage.

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I so appreciate her sharing these insights! It can be very powerful for any of us to get a glimpse into our spouse’s perspectives and better understand how they might be feeling.

You’ll also find in my “The Marital Intimacy Show” podcast Episode #016 — “What Sex Means to a Man” I share a poignant and personal description from one husband who eloquently describes the power of sexual connection, providing a beautiful example of what sex may mean to your husband!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

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The Marital Intimacy Show

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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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Six Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage Sexually

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 02:01:44 +0000

Sexual intimacy is as important for the health and vitality of the marriage relationship as is emotional closeness and spiritual connection. Sexual nourishment that feeds both husband and wife is the dessert of married life.

Strengthening your marriage intimately — emotionally, spiritually and sexually — is one of the most important efforts in which you can put your time and energy. So-called desire discrepancies between husband and wife can be a thing of the past, as couples come to understand the intricacies of intimacy and mutual sexual fulfillment.

Couples can create a rich and fulfilling intimate relationship with the help of these six suggestions:

Make your sexual relationship a matter of prayer.
Make your intimate relationship a priority.
Get better educated about sex, intimacy and marriage.
Be willing and able to discuss your sexual relationship openly and honestly.
Overcome intimate inhibitors, such as negative thoughts, fears, or relationship issues.
Relax, have fun and be playful with each other!

To read the full article on Meridian Magazine click here.

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

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The Marital Intimacy Show

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Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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What Sex Means to a Man

Laura M. Brotherson — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 05:15:40 +0000

In working with couples it is quite evident that men and women each assign different meaning to lovemaking. It is common, and not terribly surprising that many women do not fully understand the nature of the sexual relationship from a man’s perspective. To be fair, men have a difficult time comprehending the nature of the sexual relationship from a woman’s perspective as well.

Sex is the Highest Form of Love

For women, having sex does not necessarily equate with feeling love. That seems to be a learned behavior. For a majority of women, it’s just not the primary way (or initial way) they feel love.

Not true for a man. For many if not most men sex is the epitome of love. Most wives would be hard pressed to find a better way to express their love to their husbands than by willingly and enthusiastically engaging in sexual intimacy with them.

One man explained it this way:

My wife has basically given up on having a healthy intimate relationship with me. To fill that void she goes out of her way to perform all of her other wifely duties. She keeps a meticulously clean house, is a fantastic cook, and in every other way is amazing. What frustrates me is that although those things are important I would ten times rather have an affectionate, loving relationship with my wife than any of those other things.

When enough time goes by, and she senses my frustration building, she’ll throw me the “obligatory bone” sexually, which has about has much romantic feel as taking out the garbage. My wife says that in order for her to get physically worked up for a satisfying sexual experience, it will take her three or four days of just mentally focusing on it, and that is only if nothing like a cross word or problem with one of the kids occurs . . . What are the chances?

It’s very difficult to not let a cross comment slip when there is so much built-up frustration. And then to make it even more frustrating, when she does respond you know that it is purely out of duty, and not because she desires it. She says she loves me, which I believe. It’s just a physical/mental desire thing, she says. It’s not that she’s not attracted to me, it’s just the physical desire for sex isn’t there. She has mentally given-up and moved on to other things.

A Pinnacle of God’s Creations

A lot of the men I work with find themselves in what might be described as a sexual desert in their marriages. They long for that sexual closeness with their wives, but find that their wives do not engage them sexually as they would hope. This deprived state of being certainly heightens a man’s sexual senses. One man living in a sexual desert in his marriage wrote the following on the meaning of sex:

When a man feels the desire for sex there is a sense of anticipation, even anxiety or tension. It is often felt as a tightness in the chest and even some pressure in the head. This is difficult to describe because when I put it in words it sounds unpleasant, but it is not. If it continued indefinitely and without a pleasant climax, I am sure it would lead to a headache and be quite annoying and unpleasant. But it’s not.

These physical sensations are accompanied by an emotional headiness. A man feels bound and sealed to a wonderful future and a lack of will to fight it. The outside world begins to fade and have less effect on his senses.

All his senses begin to intensify, sharpen and focus on his wife. Each impulse from his senses intensifies the emotional and physical sensations. The smell of her perfume becomes very strong and intoxicating. He is convinced that he could detect it from the other side of the earth even diluted by a thousand winds. His vision feels like it is much more acute. Every feature on his wife contains a thousand beauties to hold his gaze. It feels to him that he cannot physically turn his eyes away. Even if he could what reason would there be?

If he catches her eyes and holds them for but a moment, a feeling of weightlessness comes over him, and he feels like he is growing small and moving towards those beautiful pools. Her eyes grow larger and larger in the intensity of his focus until they seem to be the entire world, a world where there is only peace and comfort. Each sense bleeds over into the others.

When he looks at her cheeks, he can feel them against his fingers. When he looks at her lips, he can feel them against his. He is convinced that he can feel it, but he discovers that he is wrong, for the powerful sensation of the actual touch is almost enough to overwhelm his faculties. It seems that he is supported only by the excitement and tension that he feels.

The excitement continues to grow until he knows that his only desire is to be one with her, to be inside her. The senses continue to sharpen and focus. The emotions continue to build beyond what he thought he could bear. By the time of climax, he is unconscious of an external world, he is only aware of the one person who used to be two.

There is much more that I should say here if you are to get a complete picture of what sex means to a man, however I think we can suffice it to say that the feelings and emotions build beyond imagination. And then in a matter of seconds, the feeling changes 180 degrees. What was the most beautiful exhilaration becomes the most consuming peace.

The tension melts almost instantaneously. It would be difficult for him to remember any troubles or cares of the world. All is right, all is peace. Every muscle relaxes, and he lies next to the keeper of his heart. She has the power to take him beyond the veil to taste of a heavenly pleasure beyond this world. Peace and calm as deep as any ocean envelop him.

Sleep comes easily and is often difficult to hold back. To sleep with her in his arms is the greatest peace attainable on this earth. The effects of this experience last through the night and into the morning, when he wakens to see her lying next to him. He comes to know the impossible: that it was not a dream.

Such pleasure, such happiness is possible and she has given it to him. She is now the focus of his existence. He would give his life to keep her from care.

His senses are still acute. The morning sun is brighter than he remembered. He cannot recall seeing a sky that blue before. Or, has the rain always smelled so new and fresh? It cannot be, this is a sudden change that has come over the entire world. Each detail is improved and perfected for he is complete and whole. He marvels at the change that has come over him.

He feels that his heart is no longer his own but lives within her. He fancies that if he strays too far from her side, its life-supporting power will attenuate, and he will die. Here is beauty beyond imagination. Here is the embodiment of all that is good and wholesome and desirable. Here is the pinnacle of all God’s creations, and she, in her mercy, has given herself to him.

Man sees no negative to sex, and numerous positives. Perhaps the most important thing is that most men will never feel closer (more intimate) to their wives than when they are actually inside of her sharing the most powerful expression of love, passion, openness and oneness available to mortals.

I don’t know if all men would concur with this characterization of what sex means to a man, but I think it’s safe to say that especially for men, sexual love communicates that they are loved in a way that little else can.

A Responsibility to Communicate

I do believe that for the sake of the marriage it is every husband’s responsibility to be sure that their wives understand what sex means to them, especially if the meaning is anything like what was shared above. What sex means to a woman may be so different that the intimate relationship has little chance of success without open and effective communication on this vital subject.

I am convinced that many women do not understand how important sexual love is to their husbands, nor do husbands fully understand how best to love their wives. It’s one thing if husbands and wives have these conversations, yet choose not to give the love the other desires, and quite another for two people to live their lives disconnected because either or both do not understand what the other wants and needs.

If husbands out there are unsure of whether their wives understand what sex means to them, maybe they can start with the eloquent portrayal given here and adjust it to fit them, then put it in writing for their wives. I’m a big advocate of couples communicating through writing. That may be a good way to go–on such a topic as this.

If you think it would be helpful, and if you can communicate in a way that your wife will be able to truly hear you, then it could be a turning point in your marriage. After seven years of marriage, one woman told her husband that she hated sex. Hearing that blew him away, but it began a conversation that now, many years later, has had a very positive impact on all aspects of their relationship.

Sex is a powerful form of love for both men and women. Men, especially, may assign great power to sexual love in their marriages. Understanding what sex means to each other and making efforts to meet each other’s needs is a basic trust within marriage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more tips to strengthen your marriage join us on Facebook!

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subscribe to Laura’s Strengthening Marriage Blog
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Subscribe to Blog Comments

Subscribe to The Marital Intimacy Show
Receive Email Updates for Each Episode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit her website StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter.

StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other Ways to Connect with Laura!