Laura's Strengthening Marriage Blog

Wedding Anniversary Traditions

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:45:56 +0000

In honor of celebrating 19 years of marriage with my sweetheart, here are a few wedding anniversary traditions to consider for your own celebrations.

Get your rings cleaned.
Go out for a special breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Watch your wedding video.
Go through your wedding photo album.
Review and revise your lists of the top 10 things that make you feel loved.
Get away for an overnight stay.
Have a special couple portrait taken.
Make love as many times that day (or week, or month) as the number of years you’ve been married (whichever is more doable! : )
Go for a nice romantic walk some evening…be sure to hold hands though!
Get some pretty flowers. You gotta have flowers! (…unless your wife is an anti-flowers type! : )

We welcome you to share your anniversary traditions and/or other marriage traditions here!

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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, relationship consultant, and host of the online “Marital Intimacy Show.”

Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!

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The Twilight Obsession and Its Effect on Marriages

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 02:39:44 +0000

The Twilight Fervor

The Twilight fervor seems to be heating up again with the release of the next movie in the Twilight saga. What isn’t being talked about though is its potentially negative effects on relationships.

After seeing this disturbing Twilight parody music video, and hearing about “Twilight Moms” and such on Oprah, it seemed necessary to comment on the Twilight phenomenon, and it’s detrimental effects on marriages.

What may begin as harmless fun or a little escapism from the rigors of real life can easily become an obsession–especially if there is a void in one’s life that is hankering to be filled.

If the connection in marriage is already weak, and there is little happening to nourish it, filling the void with a fantasy is an easy snare to slip into.

For today’s “desperate housewives” it may be fun to feed the fantasy of a man who’s every breath is focused on her protection and his own self-restraint, all the while being extremely dangerous. His obsessed adoration may be a turn on, but the reality is that real men have a real life with other responsibilities. It’s not all about you.

I can only imagine how husbands of “Twi-hards” might be feeling about their wife’s Twilight fixation. Most men can handle a passing heart palpitation or two for the hunk on the big screen, but beyond that it can be a bit of a slap in the face.

And seeing the kids of so-called “Twilight Moms” say that their mom loves “Edward” or “Jacob” more than them is a sad commentary on how Twilight can affect family life as well.

It’s quite astounding to hear of grown women–mothers no less–spending so much time and attention on all things Twilight.

Women caught in the Twilight fervor may not even be aware that it has become obsessive. They may need to ask themselves how much time and energy they are spending thinking about Twilight-related things in a given day? If someone where to ask their husband or children about Twilight, what would they say?

It might be a good idea to ask your husband or kids what they think about Twilight if you do happen to be a big Twilight fan. They will likely be able to provide some perspective.

What’s the Big Deal? Where’s the Danger?

Some might ask, “What’s the big deal? Where’s the danger in a little Twilight obsession? One of the biggest issues with Twilight is that it paints an unrealistic picture of what love and relationships are all about.

Other concerns include the time wasted that could be better spent, and how it may be weakening relationships.

The love between Bella and Edward is so intense and obsessive in its own right that it can imprint our minds with what love is or “should be.” That makes for pretty impossible expectations for a real-life husband (or boyfriend–for the young women also obsessed with Twilight) to meet.

How can any real man compare to the fantasy? An over-abundance of chick flicks or other romance novels can have the same effect.

Husbands may become even less motivated to please their wives if they know they are competing with a fantasy–it’s a contest they can’t win. Most men won’t even try.

It makes for a vicious cycle of a woman feeling unloved–making her more susceptible to the Twilight fantasy, and the husband being less likely to even try to connect with her.

It’s comparable to an obsession a husband may have with pornography. The more he indulges the less she wants anything to do with him, which makes him feel even more rejected and more susceptible to the fantasy world of pornography.

Wives can’t compete with that fantasy either.

Another potential danger is simply the time and energy spent on something other than one’s spouse and family, or other worthwhile endeavors. It’s an opportunity cost.

If you’re reading the books or watching Twilight movies all day you can’t be spending quality time with your husband and/or kids. It’s not just the woman that gushes about seeing the movies 300 times that may be creating a negative effect in her family.

Time and energy spent on any addiction or compulsive behavior is inherently self-centered, which feeds the obsession itself. Getting outside yourself and refocusing on the welfare of others can help break any obsessive behavior.

It’s also a pretty cool gift for a husband to see renewed attention and affection when it had previously been going to Edward or Jacob.

One last danger of a Twilight obsession is that relationships can be weakened. Those that are most susceptible to getting caught up in the Twilight drama are those who likely already have weaker relationships. A Twilight obsession is likely to be an additional means of weakening the marriage further.

I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband were to become obsessed with Megan Fox or anything having to do with Angelina Jolie, even just for fun. It definitely wouldn’t help the relationship, and would more likely become a constant source of frustration and resentment.

The Effects on the Intimate Relationship

Given the work I do with couples in their intimate/sexual relationships, I can see how particularly damaging a “Twilight Crush” can be in a marriage. Many men long to have their wives feel affectionate–even sexy–toward them.

When a husband sees his wife enthralled with a fantasy man, but rarely feels such attention from her himself it can be rather disheartening.

Women are wired for emotional connection, so they are more than happy to bask in the eager anticipation, and the mental and emotional longing that a romance novel or obsession with a book or movie character can provide.

For some women the extra thrill is that the psychological excitement can be a pleasure in its own right without it having to lead to “other things.”

This is why women are more often accused of a bait and switch after marriage when their premarital teasing and flirty behavior can now lead to “other things.” Some husbands complain of finding a less-than-affectionate wife after marriage when she was previously very affectionate and even sexy towards him.

Because of women’s sexual wiring they can be quite content to linger in a state of mental and emotional arousal created by a Twilight fantasy without it going further in the sexual cycle.

This may also be one of the reasons women get away with a Twilight addiction more than men can get away with a pornography problem.

Potential Marital Benefits from Twilight

Some women swear that Twilight has improved their sex lives. What they may not realize is that anytime a woman reads a book or does something that encourages her to think romantic thoughts more often it has the potential of increasing her sexual desire and activity–particularly when that desire is taken into her marital bedroom.

Twilight books or movies can stoke a woman’s intimate fires for her husband if she were to direct those energies towards her spouse. Rather than feeding the frenzy and obsessing about Twilight to fit in with one’s girlfriends, thinking romantically about one’s husband throughout the day and night could instead nourish the marriage.

Putting your husband’s face on the romantic scenarios you play over and over in your mind can keep the focus where it should be–on your husband! Looking at your spouse the way you would look into the eyes of your fantasy man, and nourishing intimate thoughts about your spouse are other helpful behaviors to strengthen the intimate relationship in marriage.

The stirred up excitement created by Twilight can actually provide a spark for your own marriage if you will direct the thoughts and emotions toward the man you already have–and can actually hold.

If Twilight obsessed women would direct even half of their intimate and erotic energies towards their husbands and the real-life fantasy available to them, their marriage relationship would be greatly strengthened and become infinitely more satisfying.

Click here for Laura’s previous article on Twilight — Edward, Self-Mastery and The Marital Fire

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For more tips to strengthen your marriage connect with us on our Facebook Pages:

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The Marital Intimacy Show

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Love, Actually Blog — Book/CD Giveaway

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 19:05:24 +0000

One of my favorite websites/blogs for couples–The Love, Actually Blog (creative date ideas) is having a giveaway of our book “And They Were Not Ashamed–Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment” and my talk on CD “Love 101–Learning to Love More Meaningfully.” Be sure to check it out! The Love, Actually Blog is a fabulously fun site for couples to receive many fun date night ideas to keep your marriage strong!

For more tips to strengthen your marriage connect with us on our Facebook Pages:

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Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

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Strengthening Marriage, Inc. — Become a fan!
“The Marital Intimacy Show” — Become a fan!

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It’s Date Night!

Laura M. Brotherson — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 17:16:06 +0000

Yay for Date Night! In light of the news of Al Gore and his wife getting divorced it’s a reminder to us all that marriage requires constant nourishment. Date night nourishes the relationship mentally, emotionally, physically and even sexually…if you’re lucky! : )

Don’t miss date night. Make it a habit. Make it your highlight of the week!

For more date night tips, visit “Yay for Date Night!”

For more tips to strengthen your marriage connect with us on our Facebook Pages:

FACEBOOK PAGE

Strengthening Marriage, Inc.

FACEBOOK PAGE

The Marital Intimacy Show

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Facebook — Let’s Connect!
Strengthening Marriage, Inc. — Become a fan!
“The Marital Intimacy Show” — Become a fan!

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2011 Couples’ Cruise — Only 10 Cabins Left

Laura M. Brotherson — Thu, 13 May 2010 04:57:37 +0000

If you’re planning to join us on our Feb 2011 Couples’ Valentine’s Cruise to the Eastern/Southern Caribbean there are only 10 cabins remaining before we’re sold out!

Act now! Call or go online to reserve your room today, so that you don’t miss out! We’d love to see you there!

CLICK HERE — for all the Couples’ Cruise details!

Developing a Sexual Identity

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 22:02:49 +0000

This post is in connection with episode #030 “I Am a Sexual Being, and It’s Good” of The Marital Intimacy Show. For your convenience, the questions from that episode are posted here.

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I’ve recently come across some interesting research about women and the sexual issues they face, and what some of the best approaches are for helping women with these issues. It really boils down to women developing a sexual identity, or having that foundation for their intimate relationship in marriage.

Sexual Identity

What is a sexual identity? Basically it means that you see yourself as a sexual being, and embrace that as a good thing. And I’d even take it a step further to say that part of a healthy sexual identity is understanding the fact that your sexuality is of God.

Questions for Developing Your Sexual Identity

What I’d like to share here are some of the questions provided in the research, so that you can begin to explore these issues on your own. I’d suggest you get a notebook and begin to do some writing–investigating these questions.

Here are 15 questions to ponder, and do some writing about:

What do I think about sex? What does sex mean to me? What does sex mean to God?
What do I think about my body…all parts of it?
How did I learn about sex? What was I taught?
What do I want from sex? What do I want it to accomplish?
What kinds of things give me pleasure, even if not sexual?
Which of my senses give me pleasure? Touch? Taste? Sight? etc.
What am I passionate about, even if it’s not sexual? (Have a conversation with yourself about passion itself.) …Where are your passions? What do they say about you?
If your passions are non-sexual, what does that mean for you?
Have I ever been passionate about sex?
What was different then? What was different about me then?
Where did my passionate self go?
What things might I need to grieve over regarding passion in my life? Sexual or otherwise? (A lot of women have experienced some pain and heartache about sexual things…Those issues must be addressed and healed–usually with the help of a therapist.)
What keeps me from wanting and/or enjoying pleasure now?
What would it mean and what would it look like if I took responsibility for reconnecting my passion to my sexuality?
What would it mean to my husband if I embraced my sexuality? What would it mean to my children?

References
Foley, S. (2003). Women in sex therapy: Developing a sexual identity. Contemporary Sexuality, 37(9), 7-13.

For More Information:
Episode #030 “I Am a Sexual Being…” on “The Marital Intimacy Show”
Article: Embracing Sexuality

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What is Sex Therapy?

Laura M. Brotherson — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 03:39:34 +0000

In a recent sex therapy training I attended at The Institute for Sexual Wholeness (ISW), it was a bit disturbing to hear that some people have very mistaken ideas of what sex therapy is all about.

Just to be sure that everyone is clear on what sex therapy is and what it isn’t I thought I’d share a few things to dispel any fears or misconceptions that may be lurking out there.

Sex Therapy and Ethics

Some may have the mistaken idea that a sex therapist will be physically present or directly involved in any way with a couple’s sexual experiencing. This is incorrect. All professional counseling organizations have strict ethical guidelines against any sexual intimacies between therapist and client(s).

For example, according to the Code of Ethics for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) the following are the strict ethical guidelines for such behavior:

Sexual intimacy with clients is prohibited. Sexual intimacy with former clients is likely to be harmful and is therefore prohibited for two years following the termination of therapy or last professional contact. In an effort to avoid exploiting the trust and dependency of clients, marriage and family therapists should not engage in sexual intimacy with former clients after the two years following termination or last professional contact (AAMFT, 2001, Sec. 1.4, 1.5).

Rest assured that no sexual contact will occur between an ethical (and moral) sex therapist and a client(s).

Sex Therapy – Common Concerns

Sex therapy is a specialized form of talk therapy for individuals, couples, and groups focused on sexual and relational issues. Some of the common concerns addressed in sex therapy include the following:

Intimacy issues — time factors, energy, behaviors, attitudes/inhibitions, communication, etc.
Relationship issues — trust, commitment, communication, childrearing, finances, etc.
Desire issues and desire discrepancies
Female arousal and orgasm issues
Painful intercourse
Body image issues
Male erection and ejaculation difficulties
Infidelity
Infertility
Sexual abuse and trauma
Issues with singles and sexuality
Sex and aging — erectile issues, changes in lovemaking, ejaculation issues, etc.
Sex and disability — the effects of illness, disability, disease and/or medications on sexuality
Gender/sexual identity concerns
Sexual addictions — pornography, and other compulsive sexual behaviors

Therapeutic Approach

The therapeutic approach taken by sex therapists can vary widely, but most tend to be very solution-focused, cognitive-behavioral, and educational. It’s really a collaborative process. You are the expert on yourself and your story while the therapist is the expert on the therapeutic process–bringing added sexual understanding to the table.

Given the nature of sexuality for men and women, sex therapy will inevitably include marital or relationship therapy as well. The areas that are often explored in the context of sex therapy are:

Individual biological and psychological issues — strengths, resources, difficulties, etc.
Relational issues
Family of origin issues
Societal, cultural, historical, and religious issues

The Client(s) Story

Since most sex therapists interweave the therapeutic process with getting to know the individual’s and/or couple’s story it may be helpful to understand what areas may be addressed:

The sexual problem or difficulties they are experiencing
Current patterns of sexual function
The couple’s sexual practices
Affectionate behavior in the relationship
The relationship between spouses (the intimate/emotional connection)
The history of one’s sexual development/experience (childhood, puberty, adolescence, adulthood)
Medical history

Professional Backgrounds

Sex therapists can have many different professional backgrounds from marriage and family therapy, social work, and medicine to psychology and psychiatry. Seeing a sex therapist rather than a general counselor is akin to seeing a gynecologist rather than a general medical practitioner.

Professional Sex Therapy Organizations

There are organizations that “certify” sex therapists, but some counselors may call themselves sex therapists without actually being trained and/or certified. The current professional organizations that certify sex therapists include:

American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)
American Board of Sexology (ABS)
American Board of Christian Sex Therapists (ABCST)

Both the AASECT and ABS organizations are very liberal in their beliefs and practices. It is very important for anyone considering sex therapy to find out as much as they can about the therapist and their practices in order to find someone that will be most appropriate and therapeutically beneficial.

What is Christian Sex Therapy?

I was recently asked what the difference was between a Christian sex therapist and other sex therapists. With a Christian sex therapist you are generally more assured that the therapist shares a view of marriage as a divinely ordained institution between a man and a woman, and that sex is reserved for the intimate relationship between a husband and wife.

A Christian sex therapist can be very comforting to a client who already has concerns about sex therapy in general and what might be suggested therapeutically. Common differences in values and beliefs are likely to come into play in matters concerning pornography, masturbation, gender and sexual identity, divorce, infidelity, and appropriate inhibitions.

Finding a Sex Therapist

I do wish there were a lot more Christian sex therapists out there for those who hold more conservative and religious beliefs about sex and marriage. Many couples are in need of sex therapy, so the challenge of finding a good and suitable sex therapist makes getting this intimate help even more challenging. Even secular sex therapists are pretty difficult to find in a lot of areas.

You can certainly check the therapist directories of AASECT, ABS, ABCST for certified sex therapists. (You might even check AAMFT for good marital therapists who can help.) I’d suggest coupling that with some research of your own. Talk to local therapists for referrals to find therapists who may not necessarily be certified, but who may specialize in intimacy issues. Finding someone that understands, respects and/or shares your values may be of utmost importance.

I have begun a Marital Intimacy Therapist Registry of those I know who have at least some specialized training, knowledge, and comfort in the area of sex and intimacy. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints may also want to contact counselors found through The Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists (AMCAP) for referrals to those who specialize in sexual issues.

At some point after I finish my graduate work and become licensed as a marriage and family therapist and sex therapist I will be doing private practice counseling, phone consultations, group therapy, and engaging in preventative/educational efforts through additional articles, books, couples cruises, workshops and seminars, etc.

Walking on Sacred Ground

I like what one of our instructors had to say about the private and sacred nature of sex therapy. He said that he often tells his clients that he will be asking questions, and they will be discussing things that are technically none of his business, but that it may be necessary for such discussions in order to help the couple.

I too concur with the understanding that sex therapy is incredibly private and sacred work. I feel that I am walking on sacred ground when I am allowed into such a personal and private domain of a couple’s relationship.

The Need for Sex Therapy

I hope this clears up any misconceptions or fears anyone may have had regarding sex therapy. It’s certainly a delicate domain for clients and therapists.

Sex therapy is one of the most complex forms of therapy given the many contributing factors to one’s sexuality and one’s sexual relationship in marriage. It is my belief that prevention and education can do much to help people avoid therapy. But the truth is that couples often need someone to share their story with, so that specific insights and interventions can be collaboratively determined.

I encourage couples to begin somewhere in addressing the exquisitely important intimate relationship in their marriage. Most every couple can benefit from some kind of sexual instruction and education. I’m biased, but a good place to start is to read and discuss the book And They Were Not Ashamed–Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment with your spouse.

From there I hope you will consider marriage education classes or workshops and even sex therapy if you want to nip problems in the bud before they become nearly insurmountable. The sexual relationship in marriage is one of God’s great gifts to mankind. It is our responsibility to understand and embrace this gift for it’s maximum enjoyment in marriage.

Information compiled from: The Institute for Sexual Wholeness, “Basic Issues in Sex Therapy” course taught by Dr. Douglas Rosenau, Dr. Mike Sytsma, and Dr. Mark Yarhouse.

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Dear Tech Support — Installing a Husband

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 17:48:43 +0000

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

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Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, please remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

(…just a little marriage fun for ya!)

~Unknown Author

The Lost Art of Kissing

Laura M. Brotherson — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:34:57 +0000

Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and making out.

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When was the last time you and your spouse made out?! Many couples have lost that lovin’ feeling when it comes to kissing and making out.

When couples were dating, kissing was an exciting and savored experience. But after marriage many couples seem to have abandoned sensual, lip-to-lip (face or neck) kissing not only because additional sexual pleasures are now available, but maybe for other more intimate reasons of which they may not be aware.

Sex therapist, Dagmar O’Connor notes that kissing is actually far more intimate than sexual intercourse, because when we kiss, we cannot depersonalize the experience the way we can more easily if we are just “having sex.” Kissing as part of lovemaking makes the experience more intimate, and helps keep the relationship or the emotional connection more present.

Re-awaken the Pleasure

My encouragement to couples is to re-awaken the pleasure and enjoyment not only of kissing within lovemaking, but also to enjoy and engage in more kissing for it’s own sake–you know, making out!

Maybe you can go park somewhere after date night with the conscious agreement to sensually and/or teasingly explore each other’s face, lips, mouth, neck, ears, and eyelids with kissing, nibbling, touching–being as creative as possible–without any pressure or expectation that it will lead to something more.

Get Creative–Have Fun!

Vary the intensity, the tempo, and/or the duration of the kisses. Pause with your faces barely touching to simply breathe each other in. Whatever you do, be playful, tease a little and have fun! Just remember that whatever is going on in your mind is going to come through in your kiss, so keep it positive and lovingly focused.

Some spouses may not like the idea of kissing that doesn’t lead to “something more” especially when they feel that there’s already not enough of the “something more” in their relationship. But learning to re-enjoy kissing for it’s own sake is one of the great ways to also make it easier for lovemaking to more often follow.

If there are specific inhibiting factors that are keeping you from engaging in this important aspect of affection and intimacy then discuss these things with your spouse, and see if you can come up with ideas that would make things better for both of you.

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Be sure to tune in to our next few episodes of “The Marital Intimacy Show” for more indepth insights and suggestions to help restore the art of kissing to its pre-marriage status as something anxiously anticipated!

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Romantic Valentine’s Day Ideas

Laura M. Brotherson — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:32:45 +0000

Valentine’s Chocolate Nuggets Labels

I’m so glad I learned about this wonderful blog “Love Actually” that has tons of great romantic ideas to keep the spark alive in your marriage. It provided a perfect, fun idea for me to add to our romantic Valentine’s Day festivities this year! My husband’s favorite candy is those Hershey Nuggets with toffee and almonds, so the cute Valentine’s Day labels were perfect.

I even took the idea a step further and created my own little mini labels to add on top of the Valentine’s labels. My mini labels had messages like “Hot Stuff,” “Sexy,” “Want You,” “Stud” and “Oh Yeah!” to make the treat even more personal like those candy conversation hearts.

Very fun!

Chocolate Bowls

Another fun Valentine’s Day idea for your family might include making chocolate dessert bowls. This is a new family tradition of ours (though I don’t remember where I first got the idea–somewhere online!)

We enjoyed our second year of delicious chocolate dessert bowls filled with sugar-free ice cream, whipped topping, oreos and strawberries. There’s a bit of an art to getting these bowls to work with dipping balloons into the melted chocolate, but it’s worth the effort!

You gotta have some chocolate dipped strawberries while you’re at it!

As far as I’m concerned Valetine’s Day lasts all through February, so there’s still time to have a little extra love and fun in your family!

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