Involuntary Celibacy
November 7th, 2007 by Laura M. Brotherson
The following writings were sent to me by a man who has spent many years in a sexual desert in his marriage. He has agreed to let me share some of the heart piercing and profound reverie he has had regarding the intimately starved marriage in which he is living. This stuff is the sacred ground of the soul. What an awesome and humbling thing it is to glimpse into the soul of another.
He has graciously consented to let me share these personal writings in hopes that it may bring hope to others who find themselves in similar situations. His hope is that through his pain maybe he can be an instrument for good somehow.
I hope these writings will be received by you in the manner in which they were written. I know his words profoundly affected me. These writings and the many others like it are the reasons I see it as such a high priority to strengthen marriages sexually.
———–
In recent months I’ve begun to use the phrase “involuntary celibacy” to describe my current sexual status. I keep the phrase (and the truth behind it) mainly to myself (and my journal) with an occasional exception, when I find a listening ear.
It’s really quite tragic. But the term is rather fitting, since I have about as much of a sex life as a typical priest. I like to joke to myself that the difference between me and a priest is that the priest wears a collar. But it’s also that the priest entered his lifestyle willingly. On the contrary, part of the reason I married was because I knew I couldn’t bear to be celibate. What a sick twist of fate.
The part that’s a real clincher is that I took a vow about “til death do us part”. And since my wife will probably outlive me, I’m pretty much looking at living the balance of my life, which could easily be four more decades, in this condition of involuntary celibacy. At least single people have the hope that one day they might get married and have a lover. For me, every month void of intimacy just reinforces the pattern as less likely to ever change.
And one thing that’s taken me years of “sex deprivation” to realize is that it’s not just orgasm that I crave. You can have those on your own and still feel void. And it’s not just “sex” per se, either, that I need. It’s an emotional intimacy, a bond, a joy-filled exchange of love; being with another person who wants to be with me and wants to please me and desires me to please them.
I don’t really care for the song very much, but Cheap Trick definitely captured the essence of how I feel with these words: “I want you to want me; I need you to need me.” Most men never get this. They’re programmed to think that all they want and need is sex. But for all but the coldest-hearted men, there’s a need to be needed. And so the years after years of being reinforced that my interest in my wife is unwelcome, and that there’s apparently nothing desirable about me in her eyes, it has really beaten down on me emotionally. It’s enough to destroy a person.
I won’t go into all the 101 things that I have tried and that we together have tried over the past 17 years to “fix” the situation, except to say that they’ve ranged from “exercises” to psychotherapy to medication to laying on of hands.
The point that needs to be clear is that if God wants you to NOT be in a sexually intimate relationship for some reason, He can thwart your efforts to the contrary to make sure it doesn’t happen. God might have let me give in to having an affair with someone, but He didn’t. Sometimes I feel it’s a miracle that I haven’t. Sometimes, perhaps when He’s most concerned with the outcome (or perhaps when He’s dealing with a particularly stubborn subject), God will intervene in our lives, for our own good, despite all our efforts to the contrary.
Look what happened to Jonah when he tried to hop on a ship headed for the other side of the world when he knew God wanted him in Ninevah. God was on his tail. You can’t run from God. So when He has your attention, you might as well try to listen. Maybe He’s trying to tell us something. And maybe only when we hear it will He let us go. Maybe there is still something I need to learn before I can experience the sexual relationship I so desire.
God could have allowed me to find the solution to whatever is causing my wife and I to not have a love life, so that it would be fixed, since we’ve certainly done enough searching that one would think we’d find an answer by now. The fact that we haven’t has me wondering if there’s a higher purpose He’s trying to achieve by preventing the answer from being found. Maybe He wants to make sure that I’m not going to let sex “turn my heart away” from Him, like all those foreign wives did to Solomon. Maybe He wants me to be a more mature recipient of that blessing, so it doesn’t replace my passion for Him.
Maybe I have been running away somehow. I’ve been sort of whining and complaining to God about wanting a lover for so long, while I have perhaps been “running” from a deeper spiritual relationship with Him. Maybe that must come first.
Perhaps I have turned my desire for intimacy into an idol. I’m sure I want it more than I want God, which violates God’s greatest commandment to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Perhaps instead of seeking first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I’m seeking first for sex. Whatever it is, I need to try to sit still and listen.
I think God does want me to have a good sex life. (Man…that was really hard to say! I’ve never said this before and have spent more time journaling as if I’m Job and that God’s trying to kill me. I need to focus on the truth…) But if I’ve begun to want sex more than God, He might take the drastic step of holding back the sex to prevent me from idolatry, while trying to lure me to truly love Him first.
Now, do I think this life of celibacy is God’s original plan for us? No. I think the sexual dysfunctionality of my marriage will, when all comes to light someday, be attributable to a combination of my sin, her sin, the impact on us of a world of sinners living around us, and the Devil himself. It’s not unlike the forces causing sickness, war, and all the other griefs of this world. And I have to believe that in heaven there will either be perfect sex or something much better yet.
So what now? Well, my latest theory is that, at the core, my wife’s problem is really spiritual. Her sexual “shutdown” is part of an emotional shutdown, which itself comes from a spiritual shutdown, and the indications support my theory. (I have, after all, had a lot of time to think about the matter, time when I would have rather been rolling under the covers.) And so it has to be fixed in the appropriate order, starting with the spiritual. Seek *first* God’s kingdom, and let God take care of meeting our personal needs.
I just think it’s important for God’s children to realize that sex isn’t a right, even for married people. It’s a gift from God. And I think that having the right attitude of humility before God should be our first step in reaching that wholeness.
I certainly don’t have things figured out; if I did, I probably wouldn’t feel like the 40 Year Old Virgin. Like Job, I want to be able and willing to receive counsel from anyone God puts in my path. God created us to grow in the context of community. Lord willing I will continue to be open to learning as I continue to seek for answers. For now I’m going to focus on my wife’s needs and try to show her God’s love. I have to believe it can break through even the hardest of hearts.
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Laura M. Brotherson is the author of a groundbreaking book on sexual intimacy and marital oneness entitled, And They Were Not Ashamed—Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Laura shares her passion for building strong marriages and families as an author, intimacy expert, online show host, and relationship consultant.
Visit her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com to learn more and to sign up for her “Straight Talk about Strengthening Marriage” newsletter. StrengtheningMarriage.com is your trusted resource for education, products and services to strengthen marriages . . . intimately!
© Copyright 2009 Laura M. Brotherson. All rights reserved.
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 7th, 2007 at 11:54 pm and is filed under Intimacy, Sex. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Laura, thank you for posting this. Although my wife and I are not completely celibate, it almost seems to me that we are. Sometimes we suffer from the “grass is greener” syndrome- from the outside, it seems like others’ lives are free of trouble, pain, and problems. As “sad” as it sounds, it does help to realize that we are not alone with these problems. Just a few other comments in the form of a reply to the man whose writings you posted….
I am no expert, but you seem to be searching for a deeper reason for what you are going through. In my opinion, often we just experience these types of things in life. We make choices and consequences follow. Sometimes things happen to us that have nothing to do with choices we have made but rather choices that others make. And sometimes things just happen independent of the choices of anyone involved. That’s not to say that God does not care about us- on the contrary, he loves us more than we can comprehend. But I don’t think He’s behind any of your problems and is not trying to teach you anything through this, although you very well may learn a great deal in the process.
I admire your desire to focus on your wife’s needs and to show her God’s love. As you said, sex is a gift from God, and so is the ability to love others unconditionally, despite the pain, disappointment, or hurt that you might feel.
I feel so much compassion for you.
To some degree I can understand the pains of loneliness that come from the lack of desire for intimacy from a spouse. I can say that trying EVERY avenue for help is the correct thing to do. Then accept it.
Trials came for me, that ended up to make those pains turn around for me. I KNOW that WITHOUT A DOUBT, Heavenly Father who was your father first, knows completely the depth of your pain. One day He WILL make that depth of pain, into extreme joy and fulfillment. YOU are his son, and although you may suffer by the choice of another, he is also a God of Love and Mercy.
I strongly believe that Heavenly Father has greatly blessed me for being faithful to covenants and commandments. Also for enduring those trials that came from the choices of another. If I could be blessed in such a way, you can to.
You are a son of God, HIS son.
Stay strong in your faith and covenants of God and he will strengthen you. When it is the right time for you to let go of the pains, reguardless of the esteemed choices of another, the power of the atonement can make you heal from this even in the midst of it.
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah40:31)
Remain faithful and endure fully to the end.
I stumbled across this post while searching for information on “involuntary celibacy”, which is what I suffer in my own marriage. We have been celibate within the marriage for over 5 years now, and largely asexual for years before that. I felt frustrated, angry, resentful, humiliated, unloved, depressed, insulted, abandoned, and desperate. Like the author of the post, I tried everything.
But unlike the author of the post, I gave up. Please understand — I never, ever, ever, in my life wanted to become an adulterer. But I could not face living the rest of my life like that.
The first time I cheated I thought I was going to be consumed by guilt. But guess what? I didn’t feel guilty at all! I felt like I was finally getting some control back in my life, and finally getting back something of myself after all those years of abuse.
In the three years since then I’ve enjoyed several “friends with benefits” type relationships with other married people. I am always safe and discreet with my partners. I don’t feel great about myself, but I feel much better than I did before. My marriage has actually improved — our relationship no longer suffers all that stress over sex.
I wish I didn’t have to do this. But now that I do, I’m happy with the compromise.
Hello Random Surfer,
(Additional comments added 12/10/07)
I wasn’t sure whether to approve your comment for posting or not, but decided that although I in no way condone the actions you have taken, I do realize that this is a path that unfortunately many people ARE taking.
My heart goes out to you and to the many others who struggle with the depth of pain they feel regarding the lack of a fulfilling sexual relationship in their marriages.
I don’t know your religious convictions, nor am I the judge of anyone’s actions, since I nor anyone else are sufficiently privy to the heart, soul and circumstances of any other. Your actions are between you and your God. But I do wish that you had found another alternative to infidelity.
Maybe your wife doesn’t yet know about the affairs, and maybe you don’t have children that will someday learn of their father’s behavior, but being a God-fearing Christian, I do think that the Lord is saddened both by the state of your marriage prior to the affair and to the choices you feel it led you to make.
I can see how it might seem that the affairs have “solved all your problems.” Your situation is such a sad one for all who are, and will be, affected by it now and in the future. Your actions reflect the seriousness of the sexual relationship. Your situation is one of the sad realities that propels my efforts to strengthen marriages sexually.
I hope you will consider stopping the affairs and believe instead that with God’s help you can heal your own heart, your marriage and your family. Knowing even what little I do about the sexual wiring of men (and some women), I applaud those who are able to resist the temptation to go elsewhere to get their “needs” met.
One other thing your situation reemphasizes for me is the encouragement I give couples to be sure that the spouse is fully aware of the seriousness of their situation before either spouse does something that has such profound implications. I would consider an extra-marital affair a “marital suicide attempt” where one spouse has decided that their “plea for help” (or for a change in the marriage) must be taken to the life-threatening level of “acting out.”
Just as in the case of a child having thoughts of suicide, I would hope and pray they would try with all their might to get me to listen to the seriousness of their situation before pulling the trigger. I thought it no coincidence that a recent church magazine that I stumbled upon made this statement that has relevance here: “Inform family and friends that you’re lonely [unhappy, etc.]. We often assume they know and don’t care. In reality, they may be surprised about your needs [or the seriousness of your needs]” (Ensign, Dec. 2007, p. 16). I would encourage any spouse within the sound of my voice to be sure they have been very clear in communicating the seriousness of their sexual situation before taking life-threatening action.
I’m sure sex has been a topic of contention for some time between you and your wife, but sometimes a heart-felt letter or a joint visit with an ecclesiastical leader or a professional to discuss the issue is a necessity to be sure both spouse’s fully understand the depth of the situation in their marriage. Even just letting your spouse know of your fears concerning your own vulnerability to temptation can be enough to bring about some necessary changes. No spouse wants to hear such confessions, but it’s better than after the damage is done for them to say, “I didn’t know you felt this way.”
Of those couples that I know or have worked with, an affair is not usually just about sex anyway. There are usually many other issues involved.
As long as we continue to have a culture where “good girls don’t” even in marriage, and where we can’t even discuss sex intelligently between husband and wife, parents and children, or have a respectful conversation about it within society, then we will continue to produce spouses who don’t understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, nor understand what it takes to create a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage.
Resources on Infidelity/Affairs
For some helpful resources on infidelity in marriage visit our Resources Page (click on Filter Topic by “Infidelity”) or check out these resources listed below:
Smart Marriages resources on Infidelity
Smart Marriages books (search for those that address affairs/infidelity)
DearPeggy.com
Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)
Laura,
I couldn’t agree more with your comments to Random Surfer; I wanted to say something similar to him. I also think of the passage in the New Testament where a woman was caught in the very act, the Jewish leaders were so ready to convict her but wanted to tempt Christ and see if they could pin Jesus on this issue. What wisdom, infinite wisdom, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Christ knowing this woman’s heart neither condemned her but said unto her “Go and sin no more.”
I pray that Random Surfer will have the strength and the courage to ask forgiveness from his wife in all sincerity and seek forgiveness. In most cases, spouses find out the hard way and making repair is 10 times or a 100 times harder to fix compared to a sincere confession and complete repentance.
Random Surfer, I only wish you, your wife and all others who are involved the best of luck and God’s direction and mercy in this situation.
I knew I had made a mistake on my wedding night. My husband spent the first week of our marriage on the phone with a friend talking about his hobby.
He never told me he had been molested as a child and couldn’t stand sex.
Finally after 35 years of grief, he told me he never loved me sexually. I am destroyed. I thought that if we had nothing else, we still had love.
I spent 15 years in therapy trying to “fix” myself so he would love me.
All I think about is suicide but I am sure I would be thrown out of heaven because I didn’t “endure to the end.”
Dear Abandoned,
Please, seek a new counselor or other trustworthy help. You can get past this. Suicide is never a good option.
Hey Laura,
I was reading about your comments about an “Unspoken Sexual Contract in Marriage”:
“”I expect you to be faithful to me, but don’t expect me to meet your sexual needs.” ”
http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/06news7.html
I’ve been thinking about this topic for some time. It’s a very unfair contract; I know it’s not one I ever signed. She would be horrified if I were unfaithful. But to ignore me sexually for years doesn’t seem to phase her in the least. Worse, she doesn’t seem to have a clue that her practice of depriving me is at all related to my temptation towards infidelity.
“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
I seem to recall vows about “to have and to hold”. And it seems to me that the one who’s being unfaithful is my wife. I spent some time thinking about this in light of Scripture a while back. In short, I don’t think it’s inconsistent with Scripture that this type of “passive unfaithfulness” is a legitimate grounds for divorce. A theologian friend told me that the Puritans held married couples accountable for having active sex lives because they knew the danger of the alternative. And if legitimatizing divorce in this situation is difficult to grant, consider this: she’s already divorced me emotionally. So which is really the more significant and tragic: the spiritual and emotional disassociation or the legal divorce paper?
Still, while I’m not prepared to say divorce might not be the right choice for someone else, I have other considerations. Besides 3 children and years of friendship at risk, I have a higher concern: there’s a reason she won’t or can’t be intimate with me, and I’m quite certain that it’s very much linked to the same alienation she feels towards God. And I’m concerned about her spiritual and emotional health. If I left, how would I be helping her? What would that tell her about God’s steadfast love for her? Isn’t this what the book of Hosea is all about? No man has ever wanted to share love with a woman more than I do right now. If I’m feeling this hurt by not be connected to my wife’s heart, how much more must it hurt God that she has essentially written Him off as worthless? Is this what God is trying to teach me?
[Jonah] said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”
9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?”
“I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die.”
10 But the LORD said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (Jonah 4)
God wants His people to feel what His heart feels. Is this why He has me living is this hell of emotional isolation? Is that how it feels to have your own creation do the only thing worse than mock you: ignore you completely?
I am also an involuntary celibate. My wife announced 10 years ago that she was no longer interested in marital intimacy. That means we do not even hug or kiss passionately.
I have experianced being lonely while married.
I have questioned ‘Does God really intend for us to be so hurt by his stance regarding adultery, when our partner unilaterally chooses to end all intimate contact?’ I also agree with Under the Sun when he states that ‘she’s already divorced me emotionally’. I continue to try to be loving and considerate while living in an emotional desert. The only solice is that I have found that since there are others in the same circumstances.
I’m so glad I’m not alone. After 23 years of marriage I find myself in an emotional dessert. For the past ten or so years, our intimate times have gotten less and less that now I look upon myself as celibate. The few times that I do commune with my wife are wonderful and yet once or twice a year doesn’t constitute a fulfilled marriage.
Although I have found peace in the writings of JohnPaul II in his “Theology of the Body”, I also found frustration. In his writings, the one-flesh union is meant to be an affirmation of the wedding vows; a giving of oneself completely to the other; a physically human manifestation of God’s spiritually divine love for us. That’s what intercourse is supposed to be and I’m joyful to know that yet frustrated because that’s not what I have. With that said, I feel more alone and distant now than ever before.
In an attempt to fulfill, reassure and express my love for her, I have written love letters, cards, text messages and given them to her when she least expects it. Yet her heart apears un-turned. She says that she feels close and endeared to me and for me to just relax and not worry about it. So I do. I’ve relaxed and allowed intimacy to ‘Just Happen.’
But it doesn’t.
She says, “The time will come.” So I’m patient, relaxed and treat her with tenderness. Days turn to weeks turn months and then if I do say something, she’ll say, “You’ve got no complaints!” As if I should be greatful for what I get and I should be happy with that.
We exchange “I Love You’s” frequently and with out a doubt they are true expressions. I love her more than life and I don’t doubt her love for me.
I’ve identified with every post on this thread. The thought of getting a “Friend with Benefits” has certainly crossed my mind. Divorce I don’t think is a option at this time yet I’ve thought about it more in the last year than in those gone by.
I feel as though I’ve at the end of my rope, holding on to the last knot with all that is in me. I’m not a quitter and like a dog on a bone, I want to hold on. I don’t know how long I can.
Daddy Fix It
DaddyFixIt
I am sorry to hear about your struggles. You are in a painful situation. It is extremely frustrating when the one you love casually dismisses something so important to you. I pray that you and your wife will be able to talk about this issue in a way that helps her understand the importance of making intimacy a priority. True intimacy takes effort and commitment. I think too many wives expect to “fall into intimacy” they way we “fall in love.”
There are numerous resources on Laura’s site for those of us in the sexual desert. I would encourage you to read from the articles section, the open forum, and the blog entry titled “Help for Husbands Stranded in the Sexual Desert.” All of these were extremely helpful to me.
If your wife is still open to discussing your sexual relationship, you should talk to her about it. Make sure that she understands the importance of sex for you. Describe for her, what you feel when you have sex with her, what it does for your feelings about her and your relationship. Describe how you feel when that intimacy is lacking. It may be helpful if you formalize this conversation. Let her know that you want to talk about your sex life and schedule a time to sit together and talk. This may help her realize how important this issue is for you. Do your best to make the conversation non-accusatory. Don’t blame her for anything, just explain that you would really like to improve this aspect of your relationship. Make a conscious effort to listen to her concerns and opinions.
Even if she is open and wants to work on this with you, she may have no idea how to begin. For many women, developing their own sexuality is not an intuitive process. They have no more idea where their on switch is than their husbands. Not knowing what to do or how to make it better, she may naturally slide back into the “wait for it to happen mode.” See if you can convince her to study Laura’s book with you. It may open her mind to new concepts about developing a sexual relationship. If she will read it with an open mind, I am sure that she will learn a great deal about herself, your relationship, and the importance of sex in marriage.
I certainly hope that you will not consider an affair. No good can come from it. Your pain now comes from your longing for deeper intimacy with your wife. An affair will only damage that intimacy further and the relationship with your new sex partner will be the opposite of intimacy. Affairs sacrifice intimacy for deceit and shallowness. Commitment coupled with emotional intimacy between husband and wife allows the soul satisfying sweetness of sexual union that you crave. It cannot come any other way. Please don’t be misled. It may feel good physically for a time, but it is guaranteed to end badly.
Don’t loose faith! It sounds like she has not shut you out emotionally. That’s an extremely positive sign. I am positive that things will get better for you soon. God bless you!
Sir John
Wow. I feel a little better now. I thought I was alone in this. I’ts almost like misery loves company, but that’s trite.
We’ve been married nearly 30 years, and she “unilaterally” cut me off about 4 years ago. She has her blanket reasons like “I’ve hurt her so many times” in the past although she can never cite one single example. I’m a good and faithful husband and father of two boys, 8 & 13. I’m a good provider and I help with everything (except spending money, that’s her job or I die)
Now if I bring up the subject of sex, she tells me to go get a girlfriend. I’m not like that and it really has me depressed. I’m in therapy, I think about suicide a lot.
She really has me confused, and it’s been spiraling downhill rapidly in the past couple months. No matter how nice I am, what I do, it is seldom right.
I too, married for better or worse, and boy am I getting worse.
Yesterday I placed and ad in Craigslist for a girlfriend. I explained my situation in it, and I have tons of replies. I think I’m really too chicken to go through with it though. I haven’t been with another woman since 1979.
I’m desperate, I’ve tried everything.
NoLoveForJeff,
I was very sad to see your post and so sorry to hear you are in such pain. There are those that can sympathize, but that sympathy only helps up to a point.
There are several things on this web site that are great resources. I would suggest you study many of them.
I am no expert, but it seems like you are in a position that getting some help – and soon. Given the topic, it is hard to have a conversation with many people that would help for other issues. I know that this aspect has at times added to me spiraling down into depression.
I doubt very seriously that trolling for a girlfriend is really going to bring you happiness. Depression and suicide are serious conditions and if they are not treated can cause you and others (such as your boys) quite a bit of pain. Go get some help. If for some irrational reason don’t want to do that then at least go talk to your Bishop or Stake President if you are LDS.
I will tell you that the things that have helped me the most in the end is to (a) pray (b) realize that I may have contributed to my wife acting how she is, but it could be mainly be one of many issues on her part (I tried really hard for well more than a decade to “just be a better husband” before I realized that wasn’t the issue).
Best of luck.
NoLoveForJeff, I’m deeply saddened by your plight. I’ve wandered the desert in my marriage, and now, divorced, at least I have that as an excuse, and a balm when I ache for love. As Laura has mentioned repeatedly, an affair is simply a pale substitution of the real thing, much like pornography is a pale imitation of the act of physical love. I don’t know if you’re LDS, if so, I would talk to your priesthood leaders about your feelings, her reactions, and your pain. If you don’t think they’ll help, find someone to talk to about it. A friend, counselor, clergyman (when I was military I talked to the Chaplain a lot, despite being LDS, because they do have a lot of counseling training and it’s a significant part of their jobs). Your local community probably has a lot of resources to help you. Satan strikes you where you hurt the most because it’s where you’re most vulnerable. But you don’t need us to tell you that. And whether you’ve made a decision or not, pray, and pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. He does not want you to do something to endanger your family, friends, and soul.
She has said you’ve hurt her, find out why, and see if she’s willing to go to counseling together.
Good Luck, *hugs*
Morguerat
In response to NoLoveForJeff
Post from Sept 16, 2009
Hi Jeff,
Welcome. I’m glad you’ve been able to find some common ground with others in your struggles. You are definitely not alone. Your situation is certainly a painful one. I wish there were easy answers for you. I suspect you’ve read through what has already been said here on the matter. I hope you may find some helpful suggestions.
You are wise to be working with a therapist. I would encourage you to look into couples therapy if there’s any chance your wife will go. You can find good marriage-friendly therapists on the Resource page of my site under “Finding a Counselor:” http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/resources.php. You may also want to consider looking into antidepressants to help with the suicidal thoughts. That’s something to take seriously to get you through a particularly difficult time.
I can understand the desperation in placing a Craigslist ad. I hope you will be hesitant to play with fire while you are in such a vulnerable state. Infidelity can only add to your pain in the long run. Have you tried writing a letter to your wife explaining your feelings in as compassionate a way as you can? Non-verbal communication can provide a way to share things without each of you being reactive and ineffective at getting to the heart of the matter. Make yourself a list of ways you respond to her behavior that may not be helping the situation. Choose one response that you could change that might shake things up a bit. I also recommend getting yourself a notebook or posting here your struggles to process them more effectively through writing. Writing is a therapeutic process that can help one through any trying situation.
Please hang in there. Keep searching for help. Be prayerful and you’ll find some light and strength to get you through. You’re not alone here.
As one of the two women who posted, may I also comment that it’s nice to not be alone in this. I too share feelings of being alone in a marriage. In addition, there is a incredible amount of bitterness as I, as one of the above comments stated, got married so that I could have sex. I would have been perfectly happy single, but I could not stand being celibate.
As the first man so perfected worded, the abscence of sex, is so much more than physical. It affects your emotional health and your confidence.
There is nothing more that I can do to try to solve this dilemma. We have talked about and tried everything including the blue pills. I suspect as the other woman found out, that he was molested as a child. Ironically, his first marriage broke up because he was unfaithful.
I am an attractive 40 something woman, who is always being hit on. The oppourtunity to cheat is available everyday. It’s a kind of torture to be able to turn other men on, but not my man. I can’t tell you how many times and how close I’ve come to cheating on my husband. Fortunately, the Lord, using some of the most incredible circumstances, has prevented me from dishonoring Him, defiling myself and hurting my husband.
Therefore, I am trying to embrace celibacy. I have a wonderful husband! He’s one of the best “girlfriends” I’ve ever had. He respects and honors me. He provides and protects and showers me with every other form of love you can imagine. You can’t imagine how awful and ungrateful I feel. Still, no amount of drugs, food, or alcohol can ease the pain I feel from the constant rejection.
Dear Ladyinwaiting,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Thank you for sharing your heartache, especially as it is often the reverse that people hear about when it comes to intimacy issues. There are others that too struggle similarly.
It’s just amazing to me how often two people with very different needs/makeup get attracted to each other in marriage. In my counseling work with couples I often find that there is a profound (even divine) purpose in the dilemma for both husband and wife. The challenge itself holds the keys for both individuals to learn and grow in ways that they may not have otherwise been able to do. But that is really no consolation while you are in the thick of it!
I would like to recommend Michele Weiner-Davis’ book “The Sex-Starved Wife” to see if it might not provide some helpful insights and suggestions. (The precursor to that book is “The Sex-Starved Marriage.” That may be a good read for you as well.)
It may also be helpful if you’d get in to see a good counselor to help you both (or even just you if your husband won’t go) to better understand each other and work through a few things.
I have some resources for finding a good counselor on my Resources Page — under “Finding a Counselor” (http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/resources.php). I especially recommend finding someone that is either an LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) or has an MFT degree, as they are trained to think more holistically and relationally about such matters. I believe that makes a big difference. I wish you well. I know it’s not easy, but you are not alone!
I am 51 years old and I have been married for 22 years. My wife and I live celibate lives and have for many years. I’m afraid I didn’t understand the marriage vows completely before agreeing to get married. I understood that we were, as of that day, morally allowed to have intimacy. I never even thought that it was a requirement of marriage. I am Catholic and I understand that intimacy is a requirement unless there are serious reasons for anything otherwise.
Well, things did get in the way of intimacy, many things. Illnesses, bad feelings increased, I lost physical interest in my wife, especially as she became much heavier and less attractive and most of all, she seemed to prefer the children to me, willingly spending all of time with them and none with me. Then one evening some 19 years ago she blasted me for everything I did wrong from the way I made love to the way I breathed. I later suspected that she did this because she may have been depressed. Nevertheless, the damage had been done and I vowed to myself that evening that I would never seek to use sex for pleasure again and that I would always be there to provide her pleasure.
That lasted about 5 weeks and then I quickly became disinterested in sex. I was in my early thirties at the time. The situation has lasted and deteriorated ever since.
At first this was hard to accept but now I can’t imagine life any other way. For several years before final breakdown of intimacy, I would have sex with her just so she would stop complaining and with the hope of making her happy. I really did want to make her happy. But I did not enjoy those sessions. I felt used in fact.
So, at 51, I began to ponder the thought of making a vow of celibacy, just so any lingering doubts about all of this can be settled. I would have to approach my wife about this first and since we haven’t even mentioned sex to each other in years I don’t look forward to bringing up this subject to her.
Perhaps the most amazing book I have ever read was Chris West’s Theology of the Body for Beginners. I actually felt good about myself for a week after reading that and that was at a time when I wasn’t comfortable with living in this state. I highly recommend that book to anybody. Thoery and practice though, seem to be 2 totally different enterprises.
Someone above mentioned damage what a marriage like ours can do to the children in the family. Our children don’t remember a time when their parents slept in the same room. I have always slept in the basement of whatever house we lived in and on a camping foamy for many years of that. I hope and pray that our children do not use our marriage to model their future lives on for their own sakes.
At this point, I cannot see how there can ever again be intimacy in our marriage. Hence, the consideration of the new vow. But, this idea requires much study before I even bring up with the other half. Any ideas anyone?
My wife, over 10 years ago told me that “Intimacy is gone”. I took that to mean both emotional and physical intimacy. There is no possibility of reconciliation. Up to this point in time she has rejected, thwarted, stonewalled, and turned a deaf ear to all my efforts and attempts to try to bring peace, harmony, collaboration, relationship, reconciliation, and friendship to our marriage. She has treated me with total disrespect, unforgiveness, rejection, put-downs, condemnations, insults, threats, unkindness, ungenerousness, belittling, mocking, blaming, shame, malice, derision, and negative comparisons to other people, i.e., extended family members, friends, and acquaintances. When I pleaded to her for friendship and emotional connection, she said that I married the wrong woman. In counseling with one of the pastors of my church he said that in accordance with 1 Corinthians chapter 7 we have a broken marriage covenant.
“1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.” (The Message)
Because of the broken marriage covenant and her refusal to repair the covenant, and has numerous times expressed her desire for divorce; I am therefore not bound to stay in this abusive and hurtful relationship. My only option is divorce.
I forgot to mention that I have been married for 33 years. The last 15 years have been rather hellish.
I have found that there is eventual relief from the frustration of involuntary celibacy, and it came naturally over time, relieving me of much of the frustration of being married to a woman who doesn’t want me. And that solution is age. As I got older (60+) I realized that I no longer have any desire to have sex with a woman who has no desire to have sex, and I don’t enjoy having sex with a woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. Since I no longer have any desire for sex, I also no longer have the frustration and anger that I used to have at not getting much. From the time my wife began showing me that she was no longer interested until reaching this point has taken me 20 years, but now things are OK. We’re not passionate, we’re not romantic, but we get along fine and remain what we’ve always been: best friends. I used to pray that God would help me find a way to change my wife into a passionate, sexual person, but obviously that never happened. I have accepted that this prayer will never be answered affirmatively and that this is just what I have been given in my life to “endure to the end”.
I know this is an old post but…My wife has a small tumour in a part of her brain that affects several aspects of how she feels (sleep etc), one of which she believes is sexual desire. The other symptoms are treated with medicine that also dulls desire and her illness has thrown her into early menopause. The result is for several years we have rarely had sex and over time the sex we did have (every couple of months) was pretty much just “a quickie” for me. I’ve just turned 40 and have realised this is a turn off for me. I feel like this is just using her as a tool to masturbate and not at all “making love”. About a year ago I just stopped initiating it and consequently we haven’t had sex during that time. I feel ashamed that I’m not desirable to her
I love my wife and I can live without sex, but emotionally I feel pain at our situation. I worry that a celibate marriage will contribute to us falling out of love with each other. I can feel my heart go this way and that around other women too as if I was a teenager having crushes. How safe is celibacy in marriage? I would never act on these impulses but she deserves my whole heart too so I resent them being there.
Recently I’ve begun to think of celibacy as the right paradigm for my situation but is it wrong to just give up on sex or is it love to not place that burden on her?
clayjars,
I am no professional, but I would be concerned about a celebate marriage not lasting. You are increasing your chances of eventually drifting apart. It sounds like your situation is complicated and not just that your wife has a case of the good girl syndrome. My advice would be for you to tell your wife that this is VERY hard for you to deal with and even though you don’t blame her for her symptoms, you need her to go to counseling to help work out something that will keep your marriage strong.
Best of luck and do drop a note on progress.
To be honest I can’t imagine wanting to make love if the reason we are is because she’s had counseling and thinks she should. Isn’t that degrading for both of us?
I am a woman who is in an involuntary celibate marriage. The loneliness I feel is crushing, even though he is physically present. I have to initiate any type of contact–hugs, quick “peck” kisses, or even just holding his hand.
He barely lets me do this! In bed, when I try to snuggle with him, he seems to recoil and tells me to go to sleep.
I could never imagine cheating, as I love him, and my greatest prayer would be for him to want to be with me.
We are great friends, but I never planned on being married to a room-mate.
I have tried to discuss this with him, multiple times, but he shuts me down. I swing between accepting my fate–maybe exploring Asceticism to somehow make my pain worthwhile, and trying yet again (unsuccessfully) to somehow make him want me.
I feel I have to qualify that I am not a bad-looking woman, and what mystifies me is that we can be such great friends, sharing everything, but intimacy.
NinaDee68,
I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. It can really be emotionally crushing. If he shuts down as you say he does, I think you need to demand that he attend marriage counseling with you. Don’t yell, but be firm and don’t back down. I worry he will not change the longer time goes on.
Thanks for the article. I stumbled across this article it was helpful. I find myself in this situation for the past 5 years. I found out my wife was cheating on me and has bi-polar 5 years ago. Since then either the medication or the situation she refuses to acknowledge this problem. I cant sleep without have nightmares or serious sexual dreams. I pretty much do not exist to her. It so hard and painful, like the person above said it becomes less about sex and more about really waiting your wife to want you and vice versa. The Lord will hopefully continue to give me grace and humility to walk through this and joy when encouraging other couples who might have a small spat but at the end of the day when the demons come to poke your wound its does get hard but it does make you rely on the Lord more than ever.
I found this site by googling “involuntary celibacy within marriage”. I have to confess that instead of helping, it makes me feel more depressed. Due to my wife’s various health problems and more specifically, the medications that were prescribed by well meaning, but misinformed, MD’s, our sexual intimacy has been very limited for over 20 years. Over a year and a half ago, due to some new problems and meds, it stopped completely. She has absolutely no desire for me to touch her and cannot bring herself to touch me sexually in any way. She did submit obediently a few times when I couldn’t stand it any longer and placed her hand accordingly, but I have stopped doing that as it felt like molestation. I have tried everything – communication, romance, all the self help advice – she knows how I’m affected, yet she can do nothing. I read similar stories here about people who have lived like this for a decade or longer, and I am crushed. After less than two years, my ability to function in other areas of life is grinding to a halt due to this consuming void in my life. I cannot imagine going for years more like this. We’ve been married for over 30 years, I have never committed adultery (rarely even in my mind, as the Bible speaks of). Through everything, my desire has been for my wife. The pressure is indescribable. After all, my mind tells me, “she can’t help it, it’s her meds”. The Bible tells me, “be patient, pray, get closer to Christ, be more spiritual, etc.”. Yet, so much of my mental, physical, emotional, and yes – spiritual being screams “I need intimacy, love, and yes – sex.” The guilt of such desire is oppressive. Does God want me to turn myself into a eunuch via chemical means in order to remain faithful? I cannot imagine that he would. Another thing I cannot imagine is letting one’s spouse suffer like this. I know my mind – even if I had no libido, I would find some way to pleasure my wife if she so desired. In fact, that is one thing that is truly disturbing – that she has to know what this is like for me (we were very happily sexually active for many years, and also I’ve told her), yet she lets me live like this. This sounds vain, but I classify it with Paul’s description of boasting not being profitable, but sometimes necessary (for explanation); I am very hygienic, in good health, fit, and attractive for early 50’s. Still, knowing how much I am tortured with this, she cannot bear to touch me, which means the thought must be completely revolting to her. I could never be a “ships in the night” adulterer. I fell in love early and never had any regrets about never having multiple lovers. But, I am so tempted to find another person to permanently be a part of my life. I would never leave my wife. She loves me and I love her, thus making the whole situation even more difficult to fathom. I am truly at the breaking point. I don’t expect any answers to my problem here. I just had to get this out – I have no one else to share this with.
I struggled with a low sex marriage for many years before I realised that it was God’s will to humble me. I had a vain and demanding attitude to sex with my wife, and if I did not satisfy this with her I would indulge in the “sin” of Onan – OK, Onan did something different but I agree that “spilling seed” is not what God intended for men and is not the union of the flesh which glorified him in creation ( still applies even after a vasectomy!). How can you humble yourself before God if you cannot be humble in everyday things – i realised that by submitting to my wife’s reduced sexual drive I would be learning a real lesson in self control and humility. So that is what we did. Now I use sex to give my wife pleasure but we deny my own urge completely until she is happy to give her approval – a very limited commodity indeed. I am much more attentive, no longer gratify myself, and pray to God so much more than when I used to use those wasted minutes honouring my own fantasies. By learning to love, serve and obey my wife, I learnt how better to love serve and obey Him. When my wife shared with me her dislike for the “mess” of sex, we also agreed that, as we were not using the act for procreation any more, she would no longer have to put up with the physical consequences of her husband’s act, so we restrict my release to, well, strictly coitus interruptus or manual means. Learn to serve your low sex wife – it is great training in service and leads to a mind attuned to worship.
I greatly appreciate everyone being honest about the struggle we face when our spouses have no interest in intimacy or sex. I was put up for adoption when I was 5 weeks old and finally adopted when almost 3 years old. The one thing I have wanted my entire life is to be loved passionately. The taking away of all intimacy from my wife is somehow equal to not only the death of that dream, but the murder of it.
I thought I found the girl who would love me, but I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong. My wife is a wonderful woman, mother, homemaker, cook, etc. But she has always had displeasure with intimacy and especially sex. She finally cut me off in March 2003 prior to my deployment to Iraq. Imagine knowing you’re going to war and your wife refuses to make love to you or have any physical intimacy prior to leaving. That’s something I’m still not over yet. It’s an insult.
She says she has multiple vaginal diseases and I totally believe her, but she has said that since the day we got married and did little to remedy the problem. She claimed that she couldn’t get an appointment to see the gynocologist or that when she was examined, they found nothing. Yet she knew something was wrong, but didn’t seek to find the solution until she was afraid that I might divorce her.
She has always done nice things for me and I am thankful for that, but she believes that her acts of kindness will somehow repay or replace the desire and need I have in my heart for passionate and physical love. She does everything she can to avoid any discussion about sex or our marriage because she knows we can’t avoid that issue.
I really struggled with what to do for about 4 years and still do sometimes. I felt so rejected and hated. I’m STARVED for love! THIRSTY, HUNGRY AND EMPTY. So far I have not cheated on her with another woman. I find myself thinking about it though. There are so many women out there who are advertising themselves. I’m only an average looking guy, but even for me some women communicate a desire to “hook up”. My wife tries to help relieve my frustration. The manual release she gives me is in no way intimate. It’s just another chore for her to do before she goes back to work in the kitchen.
About three years ago I finally gave up and told the LORD that I give up my legitmate right to sex from my wife. I thought it would cure the problem from my end, but now I lust like 98% of the time. The last few months I have been looking at porn at least twice a week and am concerned that I am addicted to it. I don’t have any feeling for her at all. She’s a nice person and I really respect her, but don’t feel any intimate connection with her. We have three children and have joint bank accounts, otherwise we’re two separate beings.
We’ve gone to marriage counseling and retreats. I have spent years trying to come up with a solution. The ball is in her court because there is literally nothing I can do. I considered divorce, but concluded that I don’t have biblical grounds to stand on. I’ve also prayed about it and felt an emphatic “NO” from God on two occasions.
So here I suffer.
My husband and I divorced one year ago after a two year separation. Due to some dire circumstances, we joined households again almost 8 months ago but are still divorced. He said he would change and make love to me since he realized our divorce was primarily due to a sexless marriage. He was a heavy drinker as well and said he would quit. I am so sad that I am in this situation. He has quit drinking to the best of my knowledge but still no intimacy. I am a Christian and he is not. I wish I had not believed his “promise” to be intimate and love me. I would still have my job and apartment. He thinks I am cruel for wanting to move away from him for this reason.