I have experianced being lonely while married.

I have questioned ‘Does God really intend for us to be so hurt by his stance regarding adultery, when our partner unilaterally chooses to end all intimate contact?’ I also agree with Under the Sun when he states that ’she’s already divorced me emotionally’. I continue to try to be loving and considerate while living in an emotional desert. The only solice is that I have found that since there are others in the same circumstances.

I was reading about your comments about an “Unspoken Sexual Contract in Marriage”:

“”I expect you to be faithful to me, but don’t expect me to meet your sexual needs.” ”

http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/06news7.html

I’ve been thinking about this topic for some time. It’s a very unfair contract; I know it’s not one I ever signed. She would be horrified if I were unfaithful. But to ignore me sexually for years doesn’t seem to phase her in the least. Worse, she doesn’t seem to have a clue that her practice of depriving me is at all related to my temptation towards infidelity.

“The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I seem to recall vows about “to have and to hold”. And it seems to me that the one who’s being unfaithful is my wife. I spent some time thinking about this in light of Scripture a while back. In short, I don’t think it’s inconsistent with Scripture that this type of “passive unfaithfulness” is a legitimate grounds for divorce. A theologian friend told me that the Puritans held married couples accountable for having active sex lives because they knew the danger of the alternative. And if legitimatizing divorce in this situation is difficult to grant, consider this: she’s already divorced me emotionally. So which is really the more significant and tragic: the spiritual and emotional disassociation or the legal divorce paper?

Still, while I’m not prepared to say divorce might not be the right choice for someone else, I have other considerations. Besides 3 children and years of friendship at risk, I have a higher concern: there’s a reason she won’t or can’t be intimate with me, and I’m quite certain that it’s very much linked to the same alienation she feels towards God. And I’m concerned about her spiritual and emotional health. If I left, how would I be helping her? What would that tell her about God’s steadfast love for her? Isn’t this what the book of Hosea is all about? No man has ever wanted to share love with a woman more than I do right now. If I’m feeling this hurt by not be connected to my wife’s heart, how much more must it hurt God that she has essentially written Him off as worthless? Is this what God is trying to teach me?

[Jonah] said, “It would be better for me to die than to live.”

9 But God said to Jonah, “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?”
“I do,” he said. “I am angry enough to die.”

10 But the LORD said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. 11 But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (Jonah 4)

God wants His people to feel what His heart feels. Is this why He has me living is this hell of emotional isolation? Is that how it feels to have your own creation do the only thing worse than mock you: ignore you completely?

Please, seek a new counselor or other trustworthy help. You can get past this. Suicide is never a good option.

I couldn’t agree more with your comments to Random Surfer; I wanted to say something similar to him. I also think of the passage in the New Testament where a woman was caught in the very act, the Jewish leaders were so ready to convict her but wanted to tempt Christ and see if they could pin Jesus on this issue. What wisdom, infinite wisdom, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Christ knowing this woman’s heart neither condemned her but said unto her “Go and sin no more.”

I pray that Random Surfer will have the strength and the courage to ask forgiveness from his wife in all sincerity and seek forgiveness. In most cases, spouses find out the hard way and making repair is 10 times or a 100 times harder to fix compared to a sincere confession and complete repentance.

Random Surfer, I only wish you, your wife and all others who are involved the best of luck and God’s direction and mercy in this situation.

Hello Random Surfer,

(Additional comments added 12/10/07)

I wasn’t sure whether to approve your comment for posting or not, but decided that although I in no way condone the actions you have taken, I do realize that this is a path that unfortunately many people ARE taking.

My heart goes out to you and to the many others who struggle with the depth of pain they feel regarding the lack of a fulfilling sexual relationship in their marriages.

I don’t know your religious convictions, nor am I the judge of anyone’s actions, since I nor anyone else are sufficiently privy to the heart, soul and circumstances of any other. Your actions are between you and your God. But I do wish that you had found another alternative to infidelity.

Maybe your wife doesn’t yet know about the affairs, and maybe you don’t have children that will someday learn of their father’s behavior, but being a God-fearing Christian, I do think that the Lord is saddened both by the state of your marriage prior to the affair and to the choices you feel it led you to make.

I can see how it might seem that the affairs have “solved all your problems.” Your situation is such a sad one for all who are, and will be, affected by it now and in the future. Your actions reflect the seriousness of the sexual relationship. Your situation is one of the sad realities that propels my efforts to strengthen marriages sexually.

I hope you will consider stopping the affairs and believe instead that with God’s help you can heal your own heart, your marriage and your family. Knowing even what little I do about the sexual wiring of men (and some women), I applaud those who are able to resist the temptation to go elsewhere to get their “needs” met.

One other thing your situation reemphasizes for me is the encouragement I give couples to be sure that the spouse is fully aware of the seriousness of their situation before either spouse does something that has such profound implications. I would consider an extra-marital affair a “marital suicide attempt” where one spouse has decided that their “plea for help” (or for a change in the marriage) must be taken to the life-threatening level of “acting out.”

Just as in the case of a child having thoughts of suicide, I would hope and pray they would try with all their might to get me to listen to the seriousness of their situation before pulling the trigger. I thought it no coincidence that a recent church magazine that I stumbled upon made this statement that has relevance here: “Inform family and friends that you’re lonely [unhappy, etc.]. We often assume they know and don’t care. In reality, they may be surprised about your needs [or the seriousness of your needs]” (Ensign, Dec. 2007, p. 16). I would encourage any spouse within the sound of my voice to be sure they have been very clear in communicating the seriousness of their sexual situation before taking life-threatening action.

I’m sure sex has been a topic of contention for some time between you and your wife, but sometimes a heart-felt letter or a joint visit with an ecclesiastical leader or a professional to discuss the issue is a necessity to be sure both spouse’s fully understand the depth of the situation in their marriage. Even just letting your spouse know of your fears concerning your own vulnerability to temptation can be enough to bring about some necessary changes. No spouse wants to hear such confessions, but it’s better than after the damage is done for them to say, “I didn’t know you felt this way.”

Of those couples that I know or have worked with, an affair is not usually just about sex anyway. There are usually many other issues involved.

As long as we continue to have a culture where “good girls don’t” even in marriage, and where we can’t even discuss sex intelligently between husband and wife, parents and children, or have a respectful conversation about it within society, then we will continue to produce spouses who don’t understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, nor understand what it takes to create a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage.

Resources on Infidelity/Affairs

For some helpful resources on infidelity in marriage visit our Resources Page (click on Filter Topic by “Infidelity”) or check out these resources listed below:

Smart Marriages resources on Infidelity

Smart Marriages books (search for those that address affairs/infidelity)

DearPeggy.com

Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)

But unlike the author of the post, I gave up. Please understand — I never, ever, ever, in my life wanted to become an adulterer. But I could not face living the rest of my life like that.

The first time I cheated I thought I was going to be consumed by guilt. But guess what? I didn’t feel guilty at all! I felt like I was finally getting some control back in my life, and finally getting back something of myself after all those years of abuse.

In the three years since then I’ve enjoyed several “friends with benefits” type relationships with other married people. I am always safe and discreet with my partners. I don’t feel great about myself, but I feel much better than I did before. My marriage has actually improved — our relationship no longer suffers all that stress over sex.

I wish I didn’t have to do this. But now that I do, I’m happy with the compromise.

To some degree I can understand the pains of loneliness that come from the lack of desire for intimacy from a spouse. I can say that trying EVERY avenue for help is the correct thing to do. Then accept it.

Trials came for me, that ended up to make those pains turn around for me. I KNOW that WITHOUT A DOUBT, Heavenly Father who was your father first, knows completely the depth of your pain. One day He WILL make that depth of pain, into extreme joy and fulfillment. YOU are his son, and although you may suffer by the choice of another, he is also a God of Love and Mercy.
I strongly believe that Heavenly Father has greatly blessed me for being faithful to covenants and commandments. Also for enduring those trials that came from the choices of another. If I could be blessed in such a way, you can to.

You are a son of God, HIS son.

Stay strong in your faith and covenants of God and he will strengthen you. When it is the right time for you to let go of the pains, reguardless of the esteemed choices of another, the power of the atonement can make you heal from this even in the midst of it.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isaiah40:31)

Remain faithful and endure fully to the end.

I am no expert, but you seem to be searching for a deeper reason for what you are going through. In my opinion, often we just experience these types of things in life. We make choices and consequences follow. Sometimes things happen to us that have nothing to do with choices we have made but rather choices that others make. And sometimes things just happen independent of the choices of anyone involved. That’s not to say that God does not care about us- on the contrary, he loves us more than we can comprehend. But I don’t think He’s behind any of your problems and is not trying to teach you anything through this, although you very well may learn a great deal in the process.

I admire your desire to focus on your wife’s needs and to show her God’s love. As you said, sex is a gift from God, and so is the ability to love others unconditionally, despite the pain, disappointment, or hurt that you might feel.