I have been concerned about your comments for some time and decided to respond. I know that this will not be the most upbeat response but I feel that it must be said.

I don’t know exactly how young the teenage boy was with whom he had the affair. If he was underage, than in most states that would be called child molestation, regardless of whether it was consensual or not. This is a very serious crime. Your husband may be a danger to other children. If it is not past the statute of limitations where you live, you should report him to the authorities. I realize in saying this that you will find that extremely difficult, if not impossible. Your post leads me to believe that you are very emotionally dependent upon him and may not have the courage to take this step. I feel compelled to give this advice anyway because the safety of innocent children is worth any price. I hope that I am wrong, and that the affair was with an adult who is capable of consenting sexual acts. It is generally recognized that minor children (including most of the teenage years) are not emotionally capable of withstanding the pressure imposed by a child predator, and are therefore not capable of consenting despite what they may say at the time.

Secondly, regardless of whether the teenager was a child or not, your husband has shown a propensity for both infidelity and homosexuality. It is common with infidelity for him to be involved in more affairs than you are aware of. Your personal health is at stake. If possible, have him get tested for sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV. Make sure that you are privy to the test results, and not second hand from him. Have yourself tested also.

I know that you have other concerns for which you came to this forum. Support for the burden of marital celibacy being the primary concern. I did not address this in this post because I feel that these other issues are far more important. Please, for your own sake, and for the sake of the innocent around you, consider what I have said. Take action. Protect yourself and innocent children.

I wish you the best and pray that you will find strength to cope and to act with courage.

Sir John.

I feel for you and I just wanted to give you my two cents. I’ve learned that no matter what, a couple should be able to express their love in whatever way they are capable to. You can still have a fulfilled sexual relationship without actual intercourse. The real problems are probably with the emotional and spiritual intimacy lacking. My only suggestion is to do everything you can to show him love and support and he just might care more about your needs in return. I’ve known a few people that honestly felt it was better to be single when their marriages weren’t going well. I will always encourage couples to first do everything they can to make it better, even if it’s just one-sided. I also try to help them remember why they got married in the first place. Staying in the marriage and doing everything you can to make it better will, if anything, make you better for it. I hope some of this helps.

About 7 or 8 years into the marriage we were arguing about whatever, and he said the reason he didn’t tell me is that he thought I wouldn’t marry him. I told him I was so naive that I would have married him anyway. At least I would have gone into the marriage with my eyes open.

He has tried very little. Once he took “a pill” (a sample he got from his Dr.) right before we were going out to a friends house. I said, “WHY WOULD YOU TAKE IT NOW?!” He said, “Well, it’s supposed to be good for 3 hours.” Needless to say we were at the frinds house for longer than 3 hours.

I married for life, even though I forgave my husband of having an “affair” (if you would call it that) with a teenage boy many years ago. It was mutual masterbation. I feel he has cheated me out of a life. I cry all the time and this year, my Christmas wish was that by the end of this coming year either he or I or both of us will be single. I would never do anything to hasten that along. But, I WANT THIS TO END!!!

I am a married single person. I don’t have any of the priviledges of marriage and none of the freedoms of singleness.

I love my wife and she really is my best friend, but those feelings are balanced and often trumped my by despair and anger. I’m trying to move that into acceptance and resignation not very successfully as yet. It’s like the only way to shut that down is to shut everything down. Any real discussion of the matter on my part is met with anger.

I have a fantasy about what it’s going to be like in heaven. Some stories about heaven (and hell) suggest that it will be tailored to address the predominant shorcomings experienced in each individuals mortal life. Maybe God will gather together all the people who are writing in response to this post. He’ll gather up all the women who have a healthy libido and are longing to be loved. Then He’ll gather up me and all the other men trapped in a desert of a marriage, desperate for even an hour of intimacy…

Then he’ll take all these people and place them together on a small island paraside somewhere. And then, well, anything will be fair game

Your first reaction, if it’s like mine, is “oh my goodness, shame on you for even thinking something like that!” But isn’t that the same inhibition that feeds the taboo that there’s something “sinful” about sex and pleasure? Do we really understand that God wants the best for us in every way, even though our mortal lives “under the sun” require that much of it be deferred for the Great Beyond? Look at the Garden of Eden! “Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32)

So whether my fantasy is pure conjecture is anyone’s guess. But fortunately, the goodness of the heart of God is a sure thing. See you there!

Hello msnobody,

You are right on the money that that comment could have read, “I just had a twinge of what it must feel like to be a PERSON with an uninterested SPOUSE.” Your comments are excellent in highlighting the fact that it’s not always the wife that’s not interested in sex. Your situation is becoming more and more common, or is now at least coming to light more and more.

I mention some of the potential causes of a lack of sexual interest in men in my reply to “dansprettygirl” below.

I can see the real frustration it can cause when we speak of sexual desire issues only in terms of the stereotypes. Those I have worked with in this situation do feel an extra degree of frustration, not only at the situation they find themselves in, but also in that it seems to be less common and even less talked about! I hope your comments and others here will help everyone see the realities that some couples face in their intimate relationships.

Hi dansprettygirl,

Yes, there are many wives that find themselves in the higher-desire position in their marriages. When others have written to me about this situation, I have often directed them to consider themselves in the position of what is usually the husband (or stereotypically the husband) as the higher-desire spouse, when seeking to apply the suggestions I teach throughout my book.

For better or for worse that angle was taken in the book in an attempt to go with the most common scenario to try to keep the writing as easy to follow as possible. I realize we must find a better way to address the spontaneous-desire vs. cultivated-desire scenario without making either spouse feel like an anomoly.

You might also want to read Michele Weiner-Davis’s book, “The Sex Starved Marriage,” which I reference in my book. And stay tuned for her upcoming book, “The Sex-Starved Wife.” It’s becoming more and more common that women are the ones that like sex, while the husband shies away for various reasons. You are definitely not alone.

I address this issue somewhat in one of our Q&As — “Husband dislikes lovemaking“. In this post I address some of the common causes of low sexual desire in men:

(1) Low tolerance for the inherent anxiety-producing nature of intimacy

(2) Unresolved conflict in the relationship

(3) Negative sexual conditioning and inhibitions, etc. regarding sex

…and I would add that pornography can also play a role in some situations.

I do think this is a situation that should be addressed. If you can’t make progress between yourselves, then I’d definitely suggest seeking professional assistance, even if he won’t go with you at first. There are things either spouse can learn to do to change the dynamics of any relationship for the better.

But yes, it should be made aware that there are many marriages out there that are backwards from the so-called “norm” where us women have the higher desire than our husbands.