“Abstinence, of course, is also a form of contraception, and like any other method it has side effects, some of which are harmful to the marriage relationship” ~Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Birth Control

“Prophets have taught that physical intimacy is a strong force in strengthening the love bond in marriage, enhancing and reinforcing marital unity. Indeed, it is the rightful gift of God to the married” ~Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Birth Control

“Abstinence in marriage, Paul says (see 1 Cor 7:4-5) can cause unnecessary temptations and tensions, which are certainly harmful side effect.” ~Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Birth Control

Thank you for the reminder to focus on the “Do’s” in marriage. I think that many individuals (including myself) get hung up on the “Do Not’s”. Satan’s snare.

I love the connection that you made. Thanks for sharing it.

Thank you for sharing this….

The only thing I would add is that it will always be the principle that is taught. So for the Word of Wisdom, the principle should be that we have a stewardship over our bodies and that what take into out bodies is important (both things that we avoid AND things that we should seek). The application will always be individual and will never be taught. No one, for example, will say that we need to eat one apple every day or two bites of this and one bite of that. It is up to each of us to interpret the principle and to apply it.

I believe that is why the emphasis often seems to be on the don’ts- like you said, they are measurable. It is easy to comply with the don’ts, but that really is the minimum. We should be anxiously engaged and not compelled in all things. But too often we are too easily complacent with living the minimum, that as you said, we miss out on many blessings that Heavenly Father would love for us to enjoy.

I teach periodically in our Gospel Essentials class, and when no investigators are there, we usually have the lesson be more of a “how do you teach this gospel topic to you kids and friends” rather than “what is this gospel topic.” Anyway, by sheer luck I got to teach the Word of Wisdom and the Law of Chasity lessons ….

And I found what I think might be an interesting connection. When talking about the Word of Wisdom, MOST people focus mostly on the “Don’t”s … Don’t smoke, Don’t drink alcohol, don’t take drugs, etc. But there really is so much more to the Word of Wisdom … Do eat herbs, Do eat grains, Do eat meat in moderation, etc. Now, the DON’Ts are important, and are easier to measure, and are there to keep you out of trouble. The DOs on the other hand, are also important, but harder to measure, more personal, and are there to make your life better.

Now, I think the the Law of Chasity is probably structured the same way. There are the Don’ts, and they are important, easier to measure, and there to keep you out of trouble. BUT, there are also DOs for the Law of Chasity, and they are also important, harder to measure, and there to make your life better.

But, the Dos for the Law of Chasity are hard to measure in the same way that the Dos for the Word of Wisdom are hard. How many days a week is having meat in moderation? How many times a week is having sex mutually fulfilling? How much grain is enough? How many date nights is enough?

And since only the Don’ts for both laws are on the temple recommend question list, that is what we end up focusing on. BUT, if you ask someone if the living the Word of Wisdom, do they think about the “Dos” as well as the “Don’ts”? If they don’t consider the Dos, are they really getting all the blessings that Heavenly Father has planned for them? Would they life be happier and healthier and better in general if they worked on the Dos as well as the Don’ts? AND the realy kicker … Do all of those same ideas really apply to the Law of Chasity as well?

I am personally convinced that MANY of us are missing out on blessings that Heavenly Father has for us, that are “based on the law they are predicated upon” that we are missing because we don’t see the Dos in lots of God’s Laws, and only the Don’ts.

And if the YW and the RS (and to be honest, the YM and the EQ/HP too, since there are certainly LOTS of young men and men that are missing the Dos as well) spent more time focusing on the Dos, I think that would help out everyone.

But, just as it is really hard to say what exactly meat in moderation and fruits in their season mean in terms of objective counts, it is really hard to say what frequency and variety is good in the bedroom.

I did not know that you had a list in your book. I would love to read your book, but I don’t think that my wife would respond favorably to having it around the house.

I gathered this list of quotes after hearing several people say, “sex is only for procreation. If you’re not trying to get pregnant, don’t have sex.” I started looking for quotes in official LDS publications and from the prophets and apostles that indicate that sex is good for love, unity, and joy in marriage. I intentionally left out many quotes that say that sex is either good for procreation or were ambiguous about possible limitations on sexual expression in marriage. All the “multiply and replenish the earth” quotes are not here unless they also discuss this other aspect of sex. Also missing are the quotes teaching only the sanctity of the sexual relationship. One could argue however, that all sacred things are to be developed and encouraged. Why is that many people believe sex in marriage is too sacred to be developed and encouraged? That makes no sense to me.

This was for my own edification. I felt certain that this was God’s plan for intimacy, but I could not recall any specific teachings from the prophets and apostles. I have not shown this to my wife. I would not recommend that a big pile of quotes be used to guilt someone into “putting out.” That sort of sexual bible bashing seems repugnant to me.

Sir John

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Encouragement for sexual expression within marriage.
Quotes from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

If we truly love others and desire their eternal joy—if we are our brother’s keeper—our intimate relations as husband and wife will uplift rather than degrade. ~ A Parent’s Guide

Virtuous behavior, however, does not reject the feeling and joy of the physical senses but provides a full and satisfying enjoyment of them. ~ A Parent’s Guide

The challenges and rewards of marriage come as two people learn to be one. It is no easy task for two previously separate individuals to learn what is needed to become physically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually one while retaining healthy self-esteem. Becoming as one requires the best effort from both spouses. But since their goal is eternal life, all the effort is worthwhile. ~ A Parent’s Guide

If the two people take care separately to inform themselves of the body and all its parts and functions and practice basic, virtuous courtesies together during courtship, their sexual adjustment after marriage will likely be all that they want it to be. In fact by giving proper attention to social, emotional, and spiritual matters, the couple will create in courtship a foundation upon which deeply pleasing intimacies are built after marriage. ~ A Parent’s Guide

He has ordained that all married couples should participate in the union that makes them one flesh (see Genesis 2:24). ~ A Parent’s Guide

Once the couple is married, sexual expression is ordained of God. The Savior taught that a man should “cleave to his wife” and the two should be “one flesh” (see Matthew 19:5-6). ~ A Parent’s Guide

In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself [between a husband and his wife], for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 311). ~ A Parent’s Guide

And, they must realize that the greatest passions of marriage lie ahead, to increase over the years through experience and growth. A truth not generally known to newly married couples is that in virtuous marriages passions increase over the years between the couple. ~ A Parent’s Guide

Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion. ~ A Parent’s Guide

Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for such a relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other, these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union. ~ A Parent’s Guide

Husbands and wives are not compelled to mate because their genes or hormones order them to do so. Sexual powers are voluntary and controllable; the heart and mind do rule. While sex drive is a myth, husbands and wives do have physical and emotional needs that are fulfilled through sexual union. If they perceive and appreciate their masculine and feminine natures as important, complementing, but not controlling, parts of their lives, becoming as one flesh can be one of life’s richest and most rewarding experiences. ~ A Parent’s Guide

There are times within the marriage when complete abstinence is appropriate for extended periods of time, such as during ill health, difficult pregnancy, separation due to employment away from home, or a need to restore respect and mutually decent emotional and spiritual relationships. There also are times when a spouse’s emotional and physical needs would make it desirable for the other to be especially affectionate. ~ A Parent’s Guide

We would do well to ever remind ourselves of our first mortal parents. Instructing them, Heavenly Father commanded them to give attention to the whole range of their powers and passions. They were to subdue the earth, create and nurture posterity, become one flesh physically, cleave unto each other socially and emotionally, and learn to serve the purposes of God. They, as we, were endowed with bodies, parts, and passions after the image of the Creator. This implies that as we, the children of God, develop virtuously within marriage we will discover ever more profound enjoyments of all his creations, including our own emotions, bodies, and spiritual capacities. ~ A Parent’s Guide

There is every reason to enjoy sexual intimacies among the various intimacies of a virtuous marriage. ~ A Parent’s Guide

Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage. ~ http://www.lds.org, Gospel topics, Chastity

Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose. ~ Elder Richard G. Scott, “Making the Right Choices”, Ensign, November, 1994

The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure. The word of Scripture is explicit as to the Divine intent and command with respect to the sexes. It is not good for man to be alone; and therefore hath it been ordained that “a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” [See Genesis 2:18, 24.] ~ “Chapter 18: Chastity and Purity,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith

Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. ~ “Sexual Purity,” For the Strength of Youth: Fulfilling Our Duty to God

Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love. (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 311). ~ “Lesson 41: Sexual Purity,” Aaronic Priesthood Manual 1

The powerful sex drives are instinctive, which is to say, God-given, and therefore are not evil per se. In order that these instincts may be controlled and directed into proper channels, they should be indulged only within the divinely instituted sacrament of marriage (Hugh B. Brown, The Abundant Life [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965], p. 70). ~ Young Women Manuel 2, Lesson 33: The Sacred Power of Procreation

Much of the happiness that may come to you in this life will depend on how you use this sacred power of creation. The fact that you young men can become fathers and that you young women can become mothers is of utmost importance to you. [Show the picture of a young couple with a family.] As this power develops within you, it will prompt you in the search for a companion and empower you to love and to hold him. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, ???) ~ Young Women Manuel 2, Lesson 33: The Sacred Power of Procreation

Then one day you can know the full and righteous expression of these powers and the attendant happiness and joy in righteous family life. In due time, within the bonds of the marriage covenant, you can yield yourselves to those sacred expressions of love which have as their fulfillment the generation of life itself. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, ???) ~ Young Women Manuel 2, Lesson 33: The Sacred Power of Procreation

Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage. ~ “Chastity,” True to the Faith, (2004) ~ For the Strength of Youth, pg. 26

But we also believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage. We are well aware of the joy and unity that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

In reality, however, sexuality is a beautiful power given to mankind from God. President Kimball has observed: “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ ” (Quoting Billy Graham, Ensign, May 1974, p. 7.) ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

It is also of interest to note that the word sex or sexuality does not appear in the scriptures. Rather, it is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. This idea of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” connotes a deeply satisfying aspect of married love. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

Some problems in this aspect of marriage occur when one spouse or the other either unwisely limits its use or uses it inappropriately. Sexuality should be an integral part of loving and giving. Any use which doesn’t include these feelings is improper. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

In my work as a marriage counselor, I have found that there are some couples who feel that sexuality should be restricted to one dimension—reproduction. Yet President Kimball has said: “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experiences between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986

The union of man and woman is sanctified and glorified in marriage and becomes an expression of the love, unity, and potential godhood of man and woman. ~ Achieving a Celestial Marriage, pg. 78

Some forms of communication transcend that which can be spoken or written. Such is the ability of love’s intimate expressions: to say a thousand things more than the poet or the essayist, in a more sublime manner. That enduring love which unites two hearts finds its most poignant expression in the kiss, the caress, and conjugality itself, and brings its most complete mutual understanding in the attendant unity that makes a man and a woman virtually one flesh. ~ Achieving a Celestial Marriage, pg. 78

A single man or woman is socially and biologically incomplete. The one needs the other to set up the family, which is the basic unit of society. And the one needs the other to find wholeness and appropriate satisfaction of those yearnings that have their origins in God and his creations. ~ Achieving a Celestial Marriage, pg. 212

… the proper expression of physical intimacy in marriage is approved by the Lord. It brings great blessings to a married couple, helping them unify their souls and strengthen their love for each other. ~ Marriage and Family Relations, Lesson 3-Nurturing Love and Friendship in Marriage

Pure love presupposes that only after a pledge of eternal fidelity, a legal and a lawful ceremony, and ideally after the sealing ordinance in the temple are those procreative powers released for the full expression of love. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, Things of the Soul, 105-17) ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Intimacy In Marriage

Participation in the mating process offers an experience like nothing else in life. When entered into worthily, it combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional, and spiritual feelings associated with the word love. Those feelings and the lifelong need for one another bind a husband and wife together in a marriage wherein all of the attributes of adult masculinity are complemented by the priceless feminine virtues of womanhood. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, Things of the Soul, 105-17) ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Intimacy In Marriage

When we obey, we can enjoy these life-giving powers in the covenant of marriage, and from our fountains of life will spring our children, our family! Love between husband and wife can be constant and bring fulfillment and contentment all the days of their lives. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, Things of the Soul, 105-17) ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Intimacy In Marriage

I think of the words of the sealing ordinance, which cannot be written here. I understand, in a small measure at least, the sacred nature of the fountain of life which is in us. And I see the joy that awaits those who accept this supernal gift and use it worthily. (Elder Boyd K. Packer, Things of the Soul, 105-17) ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Intimacy In Marriage

As a righteous couple grow and mature in their love, they will come to know that the fine blending of the spiritual and physical dimensions of their relationship forms a solid foundation for their eternal union. (Elder Marlin K. Jensen, “A Union of Love and Understanding”, Ensign, Oct. 1994, 46-51) ~ Eternal Marriage Student Manual, Love

Hey Sir John,

It would be great for you to share any quotes you’ve found on sexuality. I gathered every one that I was able to find to put in Chapter 2 of my book (which talks about the sanctity of sexual relations in marriage). Please do share!

Laura

I will let you all know how it goes.

I really do not completely understand why some women do not see sexuality as essential in marriage. I remember how I was…but it seems that more and more women are fearful about this than faithful. It disturbs me.

H ave faith,
O ptimism,
P ersistance, and an
E ternal perspective!