Hi Klover,

I think the first thing I’d say is that just because we were not taught effectively about sex doesn’t mean we can’t do better as parents. There are precious few of us who had good, positive, thorough teachings about sex. But we must do better for the next generation.

Regarding your question, keep in mind that the teachings children get in the home will always exceed or trump what our children receive outside the home when we are proactive in our positive teachings.

How you and your wife interact in the home will do more to form your children’s sexual attitudes than anything else. If they see you kind, loving, gentle, playful, affectionate, teasing with each other then that is what they will learn. If they see cold, distant, reticent touch between you that will shape their view of affection and intimacy.

Parents who are proactively teaching their children about love, intimacy, sex and marriage should not be unduly concerned about what the kids are otherwise being taught at church, school or even in the media. If parents will follow my suggestions in the last three chapters of my book and in my Teaching Intimacy 101 book on CD then they will be able to stay ahead of any incorrect teaching they are getting elsewhere. (The minimum discussions need to be before 8, before puberty, before dating, and before marriage.)

Even if kids hear a negative comment or even negatively-focused teachings about sex at church, parents can set the record straight. Until more people get their own act together sexually I wouldn’t expect anyone else to do a terribly good job of teaching your children anything about sex.

I don’t think you need to think you are not being “supportive” if you don’t think that someone teaching a “Standards Night” for instance will do a good job. I wouldn’t hesistate to keep a youth home from the event if I was at all concerned about the tone or content of the discussion. But again, if parents are doing their job in a proactive way then kids could attend any “Standards Night” and already know what is right and wrong based on what you have already taught them.

Klover, I would guess that most of us are still affected by negative attitudes about sex that were expressed to us sometime in our past (whether it came from church leaders, parents, or whomever). I really don’t see the value in taking it out on church leaders. I firmly believe parents can overcome almost any teachings (for good or for ill) if they will consciously set out to show and teach a better way.

The Church does so much good in so many ways that I’d hate to see you throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I hate to see you cringe at a “return to virtue.” That is a wonderful goal. A correct understanding of virtue is what virtue is outside of marriage, AND what virtue is inside marriage. The challenge is to be sure that a focus on “virtue” includes an understanding of sex and intimacy within marriage. And if you are concerned that your daughters won’t get that at church then you can be sure they do get that understanding in the home.

It really just depends on the particular leader whether there is a positive or negative tone regarding sexuality anyway. I think it has a lot more to do with a person’s individual issues regarding sex than it has to do with any kind of church doctrine.

I do hope the day will come that all “teachers” have a positive and healthy understanding and attitude toward sex, but we must be patient as that may take some time.

Any of us who have had to overcome our own issues know how long it can take. I continue to pray that someday we will all be more comfortable and confident in teaching healthy attitudes about God’s designs for our sexuality (church leaders included).

Laura just did an excellent article at Meridian Magazine that might help you with these questions.

http://www.ldsmag.com/familyconnections/090318happy.html

I am a marriage advocate. I now believe that there is nothing shameful about the way God made us…it was his idea. Laura has touched on this topic in her book. She also did a TV interview about it.

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/laurasvideos.php#KIDTALK

We can all do our part. We are all learning to change. Occasionally my girls will see one of my lingerie sets. They will say, “Oh! That is so cute! That’s for when I get married in the temple, it’s so exciting”. My husband and I also kiss and hold hands (and a few bum grabs here and there) in front of the kids. We tell them that although it may seem weird or different right now, that love is normal and that’s the way God made us for marriage.

I also had similar experiences in YW’s. I had a well intentioned leader break glass goblets with a hammer, comparing the sex act as destroying something beautiful…so you can guess what went through my mind when I finally had sex. I have later reconciled that as a youth, several girls of my Laurel class were already having sex (which I did not know at the time). But I also had YW leaders who were obviously very in love with their husbands. I remember as I was leaving the room the day of the broken glass, the other young women leader said under her breath…”Wow, and I actually love sex, it’s really fun”. Young Women’s is still the best place for our girls.

Thank you again for another article that can give a healthy perspective on sexual intimacy; I desire my wife and I to be able to convey to our children (all daughters)your perspective and attitude.

My wife and I have witnessed and been taught in the homes we grew-up in and in the church lessons we attended the unbalance perspective of “no, no, no, sex, — and get married.”

A big question I have which you may be able to shed some light on is:

How do I as a father “influence” what (and with what attitude) my daughters will be taught in church and school about sexual intimacy?

Answers to this question are particularly sensitive in the church because our daughters need/should view their parents as supportive, not in conflict, with teachings of church leaders — Young Women Teachers, Bishops, General Authorities.

The answers and attitudes expressed to my wife and I by our church leaders were to always suppress our sexualality. We are still somewhat affected by these attitudes. I find myself so frustrated by the church teachings we received (and that my wife particularly internalized) that I almost do not want my daughters attending young womens.

I cringe when I hear the young women theme: “Return to Virtue” because of our experience in the church. The lessons we received and interpreted in our youth are now viewed as unbalanced and unhealthy to becoming one as husband and wife.