Well, I generally think of myself as a glass half full kind of person ….

There are several things at play here … You can find my posts of two years ago, and that was a very different DW at a very different place in our marriage. I have seen a huge change in her over the last year. We have gone from no lingerie to me buying some pieces to her ordering some for a valentine’s day surprise. A similar transformation has happened in other areas as well. (Side note: I recently have wondered if I have changed for the better in giving her what she needs as much a she has changed for me).

I think (and maybe this is what you are saying) that she suffers horribly from the “Good Girl Syndrome”. (She doesn’t see it that way … ). So, when she lets go of the syndrome stuff a bit, things get better. But at the same time, she normally has sexual desire for about 48 hours one or two days after her period is over. But, it could be that only in that 48 hours is the desire high enough to overcome the “mental shackles” that you refer to.

Chick Flicks and websites and books help raise the desire at other times above the good girl threshold. I think that part of our improvement is her lowing the good girl threshold so that her desire crosses more often, and me doing a better job making her feel loved and needed and raising her baseline desire level.

Odd. From some of your other posts and up until here: “I think her natural drive level is extremely low” I had the opposite impression of your wife. It sounds to me like her her natural drive is quite high, but she practices a concerted effort to shut it down and be “virtuous” (a false form which is actually the opposite of virtue). When she is thinking those thought and she tries new positions or orders lingerie; it sounds like that is her own thoughts, her own creativity, her own drive shining through. It may seem like it’s the literature that is “manipulating her emotions” when it only happens after she reads; but it doesn’t sound like she is just mechanically doing positions she was told to do in the book, or ordering lingerie because the book suggested it. It sounds like the external force helps her free her natural drive from her self-imposed mental shackles.

Perhaps this is a moot point and merely an exercise in measuring whether the glass is half full or half empty.

Sir John

This is actually sort of something my DW and I have talked about.

As Laura describes in her book, my Wife’s sexual drive CAN be very high, but also can be very low. When she is thinking “sexy”, her drive can be very high … So, if I can get her read part of Laura’s Book, or read articles here or at the Marriage Bed.com or ChristianNymphos.com, then her drive becomes at least as high as mine.

IF (and that is the big IF), she is “thinking” sexy thoughts, then it is great and she calls me up at work to say she is thinking sexy thoughts and asks if I can come for a long lunch. IF she is thinking sexy thoughts, she thinks about new positions or perhaps orders some new lingerie or something like that. IF she is thinking sexy thoughts, she becomes ME, and I just love it!!

BUT, her comment is that she doesn’t like that feeling. She doesn’t like to read articles here or elsewhere on the web, because they feel like porn to her (Her words, not mine). I guess, in a sense, she is correct. She doesn’t want to watch TV shows or movies that have too much sexual implications, because they are “porn-like”. Those are all things that manipulate her emotions and get her excited and thinking sexually – and that to her is pornography, or at least too close to porn for comfort level.

This is quite frustrating to me … I think her “natural” drive level is extremely low, and so I really like it when there is some external force “manipulating her emotions” to get her thinking about sex more often than she would otherwise. So, I would say that my wife agrees with the idea that at least some “chick flicks” are pornographic. Or at least, that the intentional manipulation of emotions to get her excited sexually has a very negative connotation to her.

This has led to some interesting issues for us … because when we watch chick flicks, MY EMOTIONS are certainly manipulated by them, and I want to touch her more. She has asked “what would like to watch for a date night?” and I have said “Whatever you think is likely to make you amorous.”

Anyway, sure, I can see where certain elements of chick flicks could be considered by some to be “pornographic”. But part of that is (and we talked about this as well), is really more a comment on the “viewer” than anything else. I remember being 12 or so, and finding the instructions for using tampons in my mom’s bathroom, with anatomical drawings, and finding that “pornographic” to a 12 year old just starting to wonder about female anatomy. I think the person at the company probably had zero pornographic intent in making that instruction, but it did have that effect on me.

I generally watch what my wife likes to see. Maybe every other year I rent something that I wanted to see that she didn’t want to watch.

Like Xenon – the romantic movies make appreciate my wife and want to lover her more – which for me is lots of touching, but it seems to make her mad, so I generally back off and keep my hands to myself.

For example, I really can’t stand the “oh look how rotten this person’s life is but they still carry on” kind of chick flicks. The “Mr Fixit” in me screams because I can’t fix it, nor help, which is so “un-guy”, but my wife comes away with “a good cry”. I have no idea what this “good cry” concept is.

On the other hand, I actually enjoy the “romantic comedy” chick flicks. I enjoy the “they should be together, but something happens and they aren’t, but eventually they work it out and get together” storyline.

On the flip side, my wife can’t stand the “thriller” or “scary” movies (not gory blood movies) that I like. She says “it makes me feel ichy and creepy”, to which I respond … YEAH, that’s the point.

BUT, she actually likes SciFi and Fantasy movies and some action movies with me.

In the end (much like Laura said), I think we watch “what she likes” alot more than what I like. But she has learned to generally watch the “good cry” movies without me, but sometimes I watch with her. She almost never watches the thriller or scary movies with me, but that is fine.

I seldom watch the home decorating or quilting shows with her, and she seldom watches college football with me. BUT, we do have a collection of shows and movies that we do enjoy together.

One question for the blog though … I don’t know if it is a leftover teenage fantasy or what, but I have to admit that I crave physical touch during “chick flicks”. As I guess they are designed to do, it gets my emotional juices flowing, and I want to play with her, rub her back, touch her breasts, etc. as we are watching the show, especially as the two should be lovers get together. BUT, that tends to drive my wife nuts. She wants to concentrate on the movie and the characters and the plot line, and just be next to each other. She says anything too physical, and she attention is split and she can’t really enjoy either. Sometimes, as a favor to me, she watches a show she DOESN’T care about, or that we have seen before, and lets me get more physical during the movie (or once in a while, she lets me get more physical, and the we rewind back to where she stopped paying attention).

If we are of the notion that adventure and excitement brings enjoyment and satisfaction, especially in matters intimate, then going the extra mile in the ‘pleasing your woman’ department (…along with verbalizing our own needs and desires in the excitement arena) can yield rich rewards. This is one area where patience and perseverance on the part of we men can pay big dividends.

It is amazing what can happen when we decide to make something that’s important to our spouse important to us as well. I recall two incidents that have helped me change my thinking and stretch to enjoy things that my husband enjoys.

I remember Kevin and I having a conversation one night when he said something to the effect that we always did what I want. I was taken aback. It really hit me that he might actually be right. I was sick with the realization. I didn’t want to be that way. I have since made a conscious effort to make sure we do things he wants instead of him always having to go along with what I want.

I also remember having a conversation with a man who said that he wished women understood how important adventure and excitement is to men. He said it’s a sacrifice for men to “settle down” when they get married. He wishes wives would help their husbands feel that married life can still have adventure and excitement. Whether the wife learns to enjoy his action flicks or seeks some adventure in the intimate relationship, these things are important to many men.

I have found that as I have learned to enjoy sex more thoroughly a side effect has been to have greater respect and appreciation for men, masculinity and even testosterone!

Many women have a thinly veiled negative attitude toward men and anything “manly,” as evidenced by the male-bashing that frequently occurs. In learning to enjoy action flicks with muscle men standing up to the bad guys, as well as big trucks, football players, cowboys in rodeos, and other things that our society derides about men, I’ve found that “real men” and “maleness” can add fuel to my fire. It’s not just my husband that gets into the action flicks any more…and it’s not just “chick flicks” that can be psychological foreplay for women.