I feel it is better to plan on once a week and if it comes more often, great!

Secondly, I have found that I am more happy when I assume that my wife loves me rather than that she doesn’t. Believing that she loves me, even in the absence of the type of “evidence” that I might like to have, allows me to see her strengths. I am in a better position to give and to love unconditionally from this point of view. Perhaps you are already there, but this is something that has recently helped me.

klover, I don’t think the church will teach much more on intimacy than what they have already. Fortunately we have resources such as Laura’s book, but I think we are largely on our own.

I, too, have wondered about why I wasn’t taught more in my youth about such an important topic. I think our parents did pretty much what they were taught by their parents- it is just handed from generation to generation. I want to do better than my parents did, but I have yet to have a meaningful discussion about intimacy with my children either. We do need to break this cycle though…

I think we need to do a much better job of teaching intimacy in our homes and in the church. Virtue is more to do with “yes” than “no”. We “save” ourselves BECAUSE we need to GIVE ourselves — growing up in the home and the church my wife and I ONLY heard the “NO” — and we heard it constantly and repeatedly!!! I have a real hard time not being resentful of our parents and our church teachers/leaders — I feel they have robbed/damed us!!! We need to teach how to GIVE!!!!!!

There’s a reason the Book of Job is so long: the mental contortions you can go through trying to get an answer to heart cry “Why, Lord??” are many and drawn out. And I’m afraid that I share all of Job’s faults and a few more of my own, still.

I’ve been battling this problem since my wedding night a couple of decades ago. Just like the Stages of Grief (see http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm), I’ve been through the gamut of emotions, possibly several times.

I continue to struggle with bitterness and anger against my wife, but I usually keep it to myself, since discussing the topic either leads her (deeper?) into a state of depression, or out of guilt she’ll concede to try to “make time for me” sometime, reluctantly and emotionlessly, mind you.

And meanwhile, my mind is just a fantasy playground. I used to try to fight the thoughts, but that just makes it worse. God made us to love and be intimate. That’s all I’m asking for. I don’t see how that can be wrong.

So I can’t say it doesn’t drive a wedge in our marriage. I’m deeply disillusioned. I flirt, sometimes just to try to remember what it’s like to get one of those looks of desire from someone, and to make sure I’m still a functioning human being. My sex drive and my integrity are constantly collaborating in my brain trying to devise a solution to my sphinx-like riddle of a dilemma: how to end up with a lover and still not technically break my vows. I’ve pleaded with God on a number of occasions to just bend the rules for me, but so far, no dice. Jesus was also unsuccessful in getting God to bend the rules: “let this cup pass from me…”

So here I am, in the middle of the night, when I should be up lying beside my wife, but I can’t sleep. You’ve heard of the “Bridge to Nowhere”? Well, I’ve got the “Bed to Nowhere”.

Strangely enough, God doesn’t mind so much if I whine and fuss, as long as I do it to him. It’s when I walk away and ignore him that he gets concerned. And then once in a while he shuts up the whining with a line like “where were YOU when I created the Universe?”

This past Sunday’s sermon about how the Israelites’ 40 years in the wilderness is a picture of the Christian life reminded me of a favorite Michael Card song, and I’ll close with the lyrics.

Blessings to you, friends. I wish we could meet in person.
______________________

“In The Wilderness”, by Michael Card

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?i=49674048&id=49674189&s=143441

Chorus:

In the wilderness
In the wilderness
He calls his sons and daughters
To the wilderness
But he gives grace sufficient
to survive any test
And that’s the painful purpose of the wilderness

In the wilderness we wander
In the wilderness we weep
In the wasteland of our wanting
Where the darkness seems so deep
We search for the beginning, for an exodus to home
And find that those who follow him must often walk alone

Chorus

In the wilderness we’re wondering
for a way to understand
In the wilderness there’s not a way
for the Way’s become a man
and the man’s become the Exodus, the way to holy ground
But wandering in the wilderness is the best way to be found

Chorus

Groaning and growing amidst the desert days
the windy winter wilderness can blow the self away

Chorus

And that’s the painful promise of the wildernessIn the wilderness
In the wilderness
He calls his sons and daughters
To the wilderness
But he gives grace sufficient
to survive any test
And that’s the painful purpose of the wilderness

In the wilderness we wander
In the wilderness we weep
In the wasteland of our wanting
Where the darkness seems so deep
We search for the beginning, for an exodus to home
And find that those who follow him must often walk alone

Chorus

In the wilderness we’re wondering
for a way to understand
In the wilderness there’s not a way
for the Way’s become a man
and the man’s become the Exodus, the way to holy ground
But wandering in the wilderness is the best way to be found

Chorus

Groaning and growing amidst the desert days
the windy winter wilderness can blow the self away

Chorus

And that’s the painful promise of the wilderness

Having dealt with significant (but luckily not much as ‘UnderTheSun’) differences in desire intimacy for decades and trying every way I can to rectify the situation, I know the cycle well. I try hard to do EVERYTHING I could possibly do to please and make my wife feel as best she can. She will get irritated with me and I will crash into depression. I just can’t keep giving 100% and getting such little love back. It makes me feel selfish for saying it that way. Having said that I have been told by several friends (that know NOTHING of our intimacy struggles) that I was matched up with my wife because I am “as patient as Job.”

I would also echo ‘letsbefriends’ thanking of Laura for her book and other efforts. I know it must have taken quite a bit of courage to write her book – and she writes SO well and is so insightful. It has not directly helped my marriage, but it has helped me see myself as someone with “righteous desires that are of God” and not some sinful person that can’t control my desires. That has helped me immensely.

Thanks Laura!

To Quote a contributor to Dr. Laura’s book on care and feeding of husbands, “We need more sex. Once a day is good”.

Also, thank you, Laura B. for sponsoring this blog and writing a fantast book that balances propriety with some fundamental realities that couples frequently have a hard time discussing and coming together on. Thank you very much. It’s made a tremendous difference in my life. There’s still a lot more to work on, but I’m not complaining anymore.

Sincerely, from one who brings the average up – thanks in part to “Strengthening Marriage”.

Do you mind sharing your coping skills? We are much less than the study’s average but more than zero, and I must say that I don’t cope very well. Please let me know how you keep your sanity and how you manage to not let this drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

Thank you!

I wonder if that 58 times/year figure was gathered from a sample set which includes people like me at 0 times/year. If so, that drives the average for non-pathological couples to over twice a week.

Meanwhile, I was in the car today with my wife and we were listening to a John Mellencamp favorite on the radio, “I need a lover who won’t drive me crazy”. The words continue: “A girl to thrill me, and then go away… A girl who knows the meaning of ‘hey, hit the highway’”.

We’ve heard this song many times before, but I think we both smirked at the same time today after hearing that last line. After a pause, I offered “he must have been really burned by some girl”, and my wife replied, “yea, I guess so”.

And then I reflected for a moment and thought to myself, “hey, wait a minute. What’s worse: a lover who drives you crazy, or a NON-lover who drives you crazy??” He’s better off than I am!

It’s incredible to imagine what we have to look forward to when God’s done burning all this dross out of us and turning up something that looks a little like gold…