Hi JustGettingBy,

Yes. I really thought the picture I found for this blog post was great! Very creative of whomever made it!

I can certainly see your predicament with the love letter. I wonder if there may not be some value to sharing exactly what you have shared here regarding how painful loving “Father’s Day” cards are when you don’t feel very loved. I’m working on an article about marital infidelity and I can’t help but see how dishonesty in the long run can do more harm than good. I think we can all be kind, compassionate and empathetic when sharing something that might be painful to our spouse, but the costs of not sharing vital information might be greater than we would think.

I wonder if you might consider adding some mention of that “elephant” in your love letter. It makes it more real or she too may become pained by your love letters if they don’t ring true. You could even say something like you are sorry that talk of your intimate/sexual feelings makes her feel like you are just trying to get something from her when the reality is that your feelings of love toward her are naturally experienced as feelings of sexual attraction. God made you that way! : )

I can’t help but think that being up front with her is the best way to go. You could include exactly what you wrote here: “I’m not sure how to write a love letter to you and not have you view it for what it really is (me trying to show you my love and feelings for you) instead of you thinking it is just me trying to “sweet talk” you into some sex.”

My take on it, more and more, is that compassionate honesty is generally the best policy, unless you know she simply can’t handle it. You’d have to make that call. Maybe you’ll see more what I mean when I get the article about affair proofing our marriages posted.

I wish you the very best in your efforts to strengthen your marriage. Each day I pray for you and all those who visit this website looking for hope and help.

I tried something like this about a month ago, and I need to try again. Her response to my letter was that it was too explicit and made her feel uncomfortable. I tried as I wrote it to NOT be explicit but to thank her for the nice things she had done (primarily sexual) for me in the last 6 months.

So, I guess the first thing I would suggest on this to others trying to do it … write the letter your spouse wants to receive, not the one you want to receive. I would LOVE to receive a “sexy letter” from my wife, and the letter I’d like to receive would be even more explicit than the one I wrote her. But that is HER letter to me, and I should have been more careful and made sure that the letter I wrote her was extremely tame because it is for her. I say this because I found writing her that letter to be very exciting, and so I know it got more explicit and sexy as I went along. I went back, edited it down a notch or two a couple of times, but I needed to do more like 10 or 15 notches.

I think this is a great idea, for both husbands and wives, and I will be writing her another letter soon that is very very very tame. Remember the “silver rule” … do unto others as they would have done unto them. Write the letter they want to receive, not the one you want to receive.

I have been thinking about this for a few days. I am lucky in that my wife is very wonderful and I can think of many things to write to her about my appreciation for her (and I have done so in the past).

I struggle a bit on how to approach this given some things in my relationship. A year+ ago I begged her to go to counseling with me. I told her our issues with intimacy left me feeling like she didn’t love me. She seemed very upset about me saying that. She asked, “what do you want out of counseling?” I answered, “for us both to be happier and more in love with each other. She finally (somewhat reluctantly) agreed. We went to counseling on and off for a few months and she has stopped going. We didn’t seem to make any ground. She didn’t indicate that I had any significant areas to improve on. She generally didn’t do any of the “homework” that was given and has not read up on anything. I have to admit it hurts that the counselor (and I) are telling her there are things she needs to work on and she essentially does nothing.

Why I struggle with now writing a love letter to her is the fact that there is an elephant in the room. I like the fact that Laura provided an example and a link to more examples. I just couldn’t see me writing something like this without her reaction being her questioning why I was writing it.

I know for me I actually don’t like to get things like a fathers day card that is just glowing with, “You are the best husband and I love you to death” when I am struggling to not be overcome with despair in feeling that she does not love me. I actually had to put the fathers day card away quickly as seeing it every day would probably have pulled my mood down.

In writing this I don’t want to just complain about my situation. In fact I have somewhat come to terms with it. But I do think that a proper love letter would help, but I am not quite sure how to write it and have her view it for what it really is (me trying to show her my love and feelings for her) instead of her thinking it is just me trying to “sweet talk” her into some sex.

I guess this is a long winded way to ask if others think I should acknowledge our problem in the letter or not.