Hi Questions,

Women can certainly be confusing. Men and women naturally think and communicate in quite different ways. Even though you may not have major problems (…yet!) it really would be helpful if you’d get in to see a good therapist to help you understand each other better and work through a few things. I have some resources for finding a good counselor on my Resources Page — under “Finding a Counselor” (http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/resources.php).

I hope this is helpful. It’s hard to be very helpful without knowing the specifics of how you both interact. That’s where the magic of marital counseling comes in to help couples identify and change some of the ways they respond to each other.

Wow Arogen! This is an excellent analogy. I think I may share it and respond to it more fully in an upcoming Marital Intimacy Show episode if you don’t mind! (http://thewinonline.com/shows/marital-intimacy-show). The concept of feeding a hungry child even if the mother isn’t hungry herself is, I think, a helpful concept for many women.

I appreciate your insightful comments and all the other insightful comments shared by many others here!

Hi Arogen,

It’s a tough thing for many women to be able to fully surrender not only to the sexual experience but also to their husbands. The fear often comes from having been hurt in the past, or not having sufficient trust for a woman to fully give herself–body and soul to her husband. It’s a great thing that you are reading my book together, but I think some of my Marital Intimacy Show episodes might also be particularly helpful:

#055 “Sexual Surrender” — http://thewinonline.com/episode/sexual-surrender

#030 “I Am a Sexual Being, and It’s Good–Developing a Sexual Identity” — http://thewinonline.com/episode/i-am-sexual-being-and-its-good-developing-sexual-identity

You can also see what you think might be other helpful episodes here: http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marital-intimacy-show/

If you aren’t successful in achieving your desired results, I’d encourage you to get some professional help as well. I wish you the best in your journey together!

Doug,

I apologize for being so slow to respond here. I am sorry to hear about your heartache. In marriage love can easily slip away when it is not nurtured. Loving someone is very much an action. It’s more than just a feeling. If you both are not effectively nourishing your relationship it will understandably get to where one or both no longer “feels” that they love the other. Thankfully that can be reversed!

While it sounds like things are getting better, to overcome the hurt that occurred you may want to either talk with your spouse about it, write her a letter about your feelings, or solicit the help of a professional to help you work through some of that hurt and the history in your marriage.

Focusing your effort and energies on being the best husband you can be and learning to love your wife even better will generally be a better investment than looking for love elsewhere! I wish you both well.

Please get some help if your efforts alone are not getting you where you want to go. I have many resources for finding good counselors on my Resource Page under “Finding a Counselor” — http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/resources.php

Good luck!

Xenon,

These are wonderful ideas and great efforts on your part to take good care of your wife and make sure she feels loved. This is wonderful to see! I imagine your wife notices your efforts and greatly appreciates you!

My husband has had absolutely 0 desire for pretty much our entire relationship, including dating. I just didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time as he was my first and only boyfriend, and we did practice abstinence. In fact, I don’t think even he realized how deeply his inhibitions (or whatever it is) run until we got married. He has had this issue during the times he was on medication but also when he was not. I’m really working on trying to accept that answers may not come in this lifetime without giving up all hope at the same time.

It might be the medication(s) your husband takes that is affecting his libido, or just the fact that having this illness makes him feel bad about himself creating a mental block. Depression can kill the desire for intimacy but in manic states a person usually goes too far the other way being promiscuous and taking risks (unprotected sex with strangers etc.)

I hope you find the help you need, your husband too. If it’s the medication or the mental illness itself, you might want to look into this: http://www.truehope.com/

I guess in my effort to be succinct (I tend to be long-winded in my writing and over-explain everything!), I left out an important detail. He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. One doctor also told him he had a personality disorder, but then another one said that diagnosis was incorrect.

This is why I started looking for support through the National Alliance on Mental Illness. He is convinced his issues stem from mental health, but we haven’t had the funds to investigate other causes. I personally would at least like to rule out physical causes, but we just haven’t been able to do so just yet, although we should be able to soon if my husband is willing. He has done a lot for me because he feels guilty and inadequate, which just makes my heart hurt. He might do this as well.

Ironically, my mom gave me a copy of “And They Were Not Ashamed” because I was concerned about my own desire and inhibition issues. If I have learned anything, it’s that we can never tell what the future holds!