Hi mormongirltrue,

Masturbation is certainly one of those controversial issues. It is one of those questions that is best answered between husband and wife and God if necessary. You may want to review the information I’ve written specifically about how to determine what’s okay and what isn’t in one’s marriage.

This information provides principles for people to consider putting into practice within their unique marital relationship. This post links you to multiple writings I’ve done on this subject:

“What’s Okay and What Isn’t Sexually”

http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/whats-okay-what-isnt-sexually/

I think the key questions to ask yourself are:

– What is the purpose or intent of the behavior?

– What are the short-term and long-term outcomes of adding masturbation to your intimate relationship?

– Is the marriage relationship more likely to be strengthened or might it be weakened in some way?

Certainly any secrecy with masturbation in marriage is likely to lead to a weakening of the intimate relationship.

Even though I can see how masturbation may be used in some marriages to “level the playing field” or even account for illness or separation or whatever, in the long run I don’t think that masturbation is God’s intent for marriage even for crisis management.

I can’t imagine that it would be His remedy for a less than ideal situation, but again, that’s just an opinion. Since God has not said much about masturbation within marriage, and since there are often many factors to consider, this becomes one of those important times for couples (or individuals) to go to the Lord for the right answer. But even that brings up another important factor–one’s spiritual connectedness to God, their ability to receive divine guidance, or even their degree of spiritual strength.

I think it’s pretty clear that God does not think masturbation is a good idea outside of marriage, which I certainly agree. There’s no good reason to stir up those feelings when the divinely approved outlet for such expression is not yet available until marriage.

While masturbation may be a natural inclination (particularly for men), I don’t agree with the societal teaching that it’s “healthy” to masturbate. Regardless of the circumstances, I do believe God prefers that we turn to Him for help in fulfilling our needs–whatever they may be.

I do see learning about our bodies as something very different than masturbation though, particulary for women who may not have ever seen or are not familiar with their bodies. As you mention “Others say that it awakens and increases, rather than detracts from, the wife’s desire to be sexual with her husband, thus increasing the frequency and quality of marital intimacy.” To me this could certainly fall under the category of “self-learning” if it was a short-term process for learning how to experience pleasure or to awaken one’s sexuality.

In this situation, the question of whether the behavior has the effect of strengthening or weakening the intimate relationship might possibly be answered as being a means of strengthening the relationship. But only the individuals involved can really answer that questions accurately.

If masturbation was being used as a substitute for the intimate relationship between husband and wife, then it moves into the category of having a weakening effect on the relationship and even one’s connection to God.

http://mormontherapist.blogspot.com/2009/04/is-occasional-masturbation-by-married.html

“When it comes to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few….”

(I personally hope to make it with the blessed few..lol!)

http://www.simplemarriage.net/man-upwoman-up-how-to-have-curl-your-toes-sex.html

mormongirltrue, I appreciate the question as I have also wondered about this. What are your thoughts? Hopefully we can get enough input that people can make their own informed decision…

I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on the effects of solo masturbation in a marriage where both spouses are open and accepting of the practice and don’t conceal their occasional participation in it from one another. (I’m referring to masturbation that is not in the presence of the other spouse and that never involves pornography.)

Many commenters in other LDS forums on sexuality claim that it has been a great blessing in marriages with disparate sex drives by helping “level the playing fields.” Others say that it awakens and increases, rather than detracts from, the wife’s desire to be sexual with her husband, thus increasing the frequency and quality of marital intimacy.

I have read your insightful views on self-learning and its distinction from masturbation. I would be very appreciative of any insight you may have regarding the possible consequences (good or bad) of unconcealed masturbation in marriage beyond the scope of temporary self-learning.

You are pretty thoughtful to think about all of this before marriage. Personally, I think that the better prepared you are…the nicer things will be. So many couples are afraid to learn…and communicate their thoughts to each other!

Obviously, some of the “homework” may need to wait until after marriage.

From the 1st Chapter, Laura’s book can help both of you “reprogram”…and you are picking the best time to do it!

Congrats on your marriage!

Hi Trevor,

I have moved your comment from the StrengtheningMarriage.com Comments page to the blog here so that it will be a little bit easier for people to respond.

I do believe the book And They Were Not Ashamed can be very helpful for those not yet married as well as for those who already are. This book is a must read for any who want to start out better than the rest of us probably did! : )

Since you are not yet married I would suggest you read the book separately, or together in a public place. It all depends on the two of you as to what would be best. If you can read the whole book (except maybe the last three chapters on how to teach your children–although it’s great for reeducating yourself as well) that would be best. But if you are not able to read it all then chapters 3, 4 and 5 are most critical to know and understand before the honeymoon. It can make all the difference between having a positive experience or starting out on the wrong foot that can take a long time to overcome. Things don’t have to be perfect, but the more you can learn about each other’s expectations and understand your differing wiring the better! I hate to see more honeymoon horror stories created out of ignorance!

I also recommend that you read the article “From Honeymoon to Happily Ever After—Preparing for an Intimately Fulfilling Relationship,” which I wrote especially for soon-to-be-married couples like you. You can find the article here: http://www.meridianmagazine.com/LdsMariageNetwork/060802honeymoon.html.

I wish you well on your exciting new adventure of marriage. I would encourage you and any other engaged couples to get all the marriage education you can. You can find many articles here on this blog and on the Articles page: http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/news.php. I would even look into a couple sessions of premarital counseling with a good marital therapist for good measure as well. The better prepared you can be the better off you’ll be! Good luck!

Subject: Preparing for Marriage!!

Date: March 30 2009

Name: Trevor

Comments:

HEY EVERYONE! OR LAURA… It seems that many people are getting the book as an enrichment or help for marriages, which is wonderful and I’m sure we will always seek enrichment later on… But we’re just starting. Getting married in a couple months. And we’re open to advice. One of the books we read was so doom and gloom, using what felt like scare tactics about how difficult marriage is, we felt horrible reading it. We don’t have any problems with each other, quite the opposite! I would like your opinions on how much to talk about sex, as we’re just starting. Pre-honeymoon, and the first few months. Much of the info available sounds great, but I don’t want my wife to feel overwhelmed. I personally feel like I’m pretty sensitive and I don’t know if I want her to feel like she’s having sex as a duty or for my sake. She seems like she IS very excited about sex and will be. If i am sensitive and caring, i feel like it will only get better. I feel like I can be very giving and let things go naturally as we talk about everything. We’re very open already. Of course we will learn beforehand about how sex works and I will definitely have learned how to make it enjoyable for her sexually. If we’re open, do you think we could do without reading too much? I DO feel like STARTING with ideas presented in “And They Were Not Ashamed” before marriage will be much nicer than trying to change things for people who have already been married for a while, but what do you think would be best in our case? Thanks!!!