I am interested in people’s suggestions on overcoming inappropriate inhibitions together in a relationship. Specifically, if a couple together identifies that a particular inhibitition is not appropriate, how do you work together to overcome that? I’m looking for “psychology” answers, and personal experience answers.

What I’m getting at is this … Take smoking as an example. If you wanted to help someone quit smoking, there are lots of ideas and suggestions. Some advocate a “cold turkey” or “intervention” approach – Go in and talk all the cigarettes and lighters and stuff and throw them away. Some advocate a more “stepwise” approach – reduce the number of cigarettes each day by one over a 2 month or 6 month period or something like that. Some advocate a “replacement” approach – the nicotine gum and/or patch approach.

Or perhaps another way to look at is phobias. A phobia is a irrational fear that prevents you from being about function normally in your life. If someone has a irrational fear of heights or spiders or the number thirteen, what can you do to help that person? Is a “direct” approach the best way to deal with the phobia? Something like locking the person in a room on the thirteenth floor of a tall building with thirteen big hairy spiders? Or is a stepwise approach better? – going to the first floor of the tall building with just one small spider this week and then the second floor with two spiders the next week?

And then I guess the key question is … how can we apply what has been learned about helping people overcome smoking or phobias to helping our spouses with inhibitations in the bed room?

As a specific example … My dear wife as said on a couple of occations that she thinks the “stuff” that leaks out during foreplay and intercourse is “gross”. Let’s say we decided together that that issue is an “inappropriate inhibitation” for her. How do we work through that together? Is an “direct” or “cold turkey” approach the best way? (and what would be a direct approach there)? Or would something like a stepwise approach be best (and again what would be your suggestions)?

Steve,

This is a difficult dilemma for many couples. I agree with the other comments that making it an issue of personal preferences rather than right and wrong can make the discussion a little more manageable.

I would recommend you read the original post on this subject here and the additional references mentioned together with your wife. I would also recommend using the Couples Dialog on page 199-200 of my book “And They Were Not Ashamed” wheneven you have any discussions on this sensitive subject. Printing out a copy of the Dialog for both of you to have in hand as you talk can help you both strive to understand where the other is coming from before trying to further your own perspective. If this is not successful for you, you may need to solicit the help as a counselor to be a mediator to resolve these differences.

In the course of mirroring, validating, and empathizing with each other in your conversation, each of you will have the opportunity to clarify your own motives and see where adjustments can be made on either side. Remember you can only directly change yourself. You can wish your wife would change til the cows come home, but it will be wasted energy that could be put to better use changing your own reactions to her.

Also, it really does no good for me or anyone else to confirm either of your perceptions of reality, as you each need to come to that on your own. For example, it wouldn’t do much good for me to confirm that your wife has unnecessary inhibitions or to confirm for your wife that you may be spiritually out of tune. You’re got to come to that realization yourselves, and the Couples Dialog is one of the single best ways to do that. It may not even be a matter of right and wrong, but simply a matter of individual preferences.

Having loving patience with your wife, and working together to increase the meeting of each other’s needs is a better plan of action than anger or resentment.

You may be correct that your wife is simply grossed out by bodily fluids. Other women are grossed out by certain body parts and can’t even touch them. Working through such inhibitions takes time and loving patience. Your best efforts will include those that make your wife want to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s a pretty big moutain for some women to climb to overcome some of these sexual inhibitions. Positive motivation is always better than negative.

Keep up your good efforts. For some husbands this situation might be similar to having a teenager who has taken an unfortunate path in life. You must be able to love them anyway and to patiently work towards and wait for their return.

My efforts with marriages are to help women embrace and develop their sexuality earlier in marriage, so that the sexual relationship doesn’t become an ongoing source of contention for couples. It will take a cultural shift as much as anything. But each woman and each couple that gets it figured out contributes to the overall renewed energy regarding sexuality in marriage. Thanks for your efforts.

Subject: Inappropriate Inhibitions Question

Date: June 19 2008 04:12:36 PM

Sorry to dominate this commment page, but I have one more question I’d like to get your opinion on. In this talk about our different lists of appropriate and inappropriate, I noticed what I think is a common thread in her list. While I know you don’t want to be the “bedroom police” or “permission giver”, I think this might be generic enough to be in the “teach correct principles and let them govern themselves” catagory. My dear wife told that she thinks that “everything” that drips or leaks or sqirts out of “me” is gross. So that perception of “gross” dictates many of the things that are different on our lists. Any activity that results in anything “gross” from me ending up anywhere but one place is “inappropriate” and “out of bounds” (or at the very least “very uncomfortable”). I see this as an example of “good girl syndrome” and an inappropriate inhibitation. She sees this as simple common sense and an unfortunate fact of life. Is it too far into the “bedroom police” department to comment on if that perception from her is an inappropriate inhibition or not?

Subject: Understanding boundaries

Date: June 19 2008 04:00:15 PM

Hello, Thank you very much for your response. I sorry that the formatting was not clear. Basically, the list was several things that I think are or should be “in bounds” that my wife feels are either “right at the edge” or “outside the bounds”. I appreciate the suggestion about the bra and panty set. We have actually tried something similar, and it worked out well I think. While discussing my “like” of lingerie and my request for her to wear something “sexy” more often, she told me that one major problem for her was buying it. She felt embarrassed to go to that part of the department store, and to pick something out. I asked her if she would be ok with me buying her something, and she said yes that would be OK. I picked out something that I thought was nice but not too much, wrapped it up very nice in a nice box, and gave it too her one night. It took her a couple of weeks to get up the courage to open the box, and then a couple more weeks to get up the courage to wear it, but she did. It was great, and I love her for it. So, I tried again with another piece, and that was ok as well. She has recently mentioned that she doesn’t have a pair of pretty black panties that she likes, so I am taking that on as my next mission!

Subject: Inbounds out of Bounds

Date: June 19 2008 12:45:04 AM

Steve, I could not tell what was inbounds and out of bounds from what you wrote. There are things that my wife likes and dislikes. I think that is really what your wife is saying and using Deity as an excuse. She hasn’t tried something and doesn’t think she will like it for whatever reason. She may not be a brave soul. So, I have learned to take one step at a time and you may have to be the one to take the first step. Example, have you bought your wife a bra and panty set without asking her permission? Buy a sexy set and gift wrap it and get a romantic card and express your love for her, honestly and truly, not to just butter her up, but let her know that you love her. Along with the set get her a nice new shirt that is a bit long with long sleeves, with buttons she can wear over the set. Ask her to put it all on in another room where she can take her time, and get use to it. When she comes out praise the way she looks. After the shirt comes off, and don’t hurry with that, praise her, be honest and let her know how beautiful she is. Remember, one step at a time and take time. Be honest about how pretty she is using the words you know she would like to hear. Have you undressed your wife? That comes before striptease. She may never do one for you, but you take something off her and then let her take something of herself. Make it a game. My wife doesn’t like taking a shower with me, but she likes a tub for two. Adapt to put your wife at a comfortable level in a comfortable situation. One step at a time. Learn what she likes and dislikes. And remember there are things she just might not feel ever comfortable with. Don’t be forceful, but take the first step by talking and you may have to be the one to take the first step to try something to find out if it is something she might like after all. Think there are things in your life you do not like and don’t like to do them. Remember, don’t talk about what is in and out of bounds, but talk about likes and dislikes and talk about trying something to see if it might become something she would actually like. Also, and in all seriousness, there are bounds even when trying to find out what are your likes and dislikes are and don’t go out of bounds with trying different things. Be smart. Be patient. Be loving and neither you or your wife will regret it.

Subject: “Within the bounds”

Date: June 16 2008 01:46:22 AM

I’d like some help and suggestions from others who are working through issues in their marriage with this book. I found it quite interesting and telling about our marriage that we both underlined and marked the same line, but with emphasis on different parts of the statement. We read the section about “pray for an uninhibited sex live within the bounds the Lord has set”. I circled the uninhibited part, she circled the within the bounds part. So we talked about that, and started to make a list: Showering together – outside the bounds Lingerie – maybe ok, but generally outside of the bounds Strip poker/games – outside of the bounds Strip tease – definately way outside of the bounds You probably get the idea. But how do we address this? I love my wife, and honestly, she has come a long way. She told me the night before we got married that she couldn’t imagine being naked with me – she would need to at least have a sheet or blanket over her. We are past that now after 15 years. She can have an orgasm nearly every time we make love, so I think the mechanics are there. But she is “ashamed” of so much that I would like to do in our intimate relationship. But she is convinced, even after reading the book, that all those things are outside of the bounds the at Lord has set. So I am looking for suggestions from other readers on how they worked through the “what is OK and what is not OK” section, and how you actually apply the ideas there. She is completely convinced that I am wrong to ask for any of that, and that I am spiritually out of tune. I am convinced she is suffering horribly from the good girl syndrome and overly inhibited. Any suggestions would be greatly welcomed!

A Sign You Should Be Worried About Your Marriage

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Some women neglect their husband’s sexual needs, to their own peril. Women have vital needs, too, and lots of husbands neglect those, too. But let that be the topic of another post.

Here’s a sign to watch out for: Your husband used to ask for sex in one way or another, but doesn’t anymore.

How much hassle did you give him? Were you EVER in the mood? Was it like pulling teeth for him to get any type of “cooperation” from you? Did he have to do practically everything short of begging or demanding to try to get you to come around, and it usually still failed anyway? Did he make himself vulnerable to you more than once, explaining why it’s important to him and why he’d like to do anything he can to help you feel mutually, but you’ve still maintained a “no looking, no touching” approach to your marriage? Did he tell you once, perhaps with tears, that he struggled with lust for other women and felt bad about it, but you didn’t follow up by making sure you were providing a “haven” in your marriage to help draw in his emotions and keep his heart content in your love? Did he used to try to get you to come to counseling, read a book, or talk about the topic of sexual intimacy, but doesn’t do that anymore? Does he seem to come alive when you see him talking to other women, but he doesn’t get that way around you anymore?

If any of this sounds familiar, ladies, I’d be concerned. When he struggled with the topic of sex with you, it was painful. But if he’s done struggling, you have a real problem: he’s checked out of the marriage emotionally. He’s given up. He may have reached a certain place of “resolve”; but even so, that resolve will continue to be at odds with his emotional and physiological needs. And he’s going to have to make an almost hour-by-hour decision how to handle himself in light of that internal pressure. And by golly, you’ve made it about as difficult as possible for him.

I might add something else. How is his career doing? And how are his relationships with his friends and other family members? You have no idea how vital to his internal well-being his bond with you is. It largely shapes his self-confidence, which can impact his entire life.

Do you remember the agony as a teenager of asking someone out and being turned down? And you thought after you were married, you thankfully never had to worry about that again? Well guess what: every time you turn down his loving advance of intimacy, it’s like cutting out his insides. (Actually, the wise wife can decline her husband, when necessary for a short time, in a way that doesn’t damage his emotions, and the mature husband will not be harmed — though he will be more ready than ever the next evening). It’s the “unrequited love” agony felt by Charlie Brown every time he tried to get close to the Little Red-Haired Girl and she blew him off. And after a few tries, it’s tempting to give up, except that if this is a women he’s made a lifetime vow to, his urgency will keep him trying. But if he tried for years and his results have gone from bad to worse, he will eventually shut down, assuming he hasn’t left you completely.

And finally, whenever, in the interest of open communication, he brought up the topic of sexual intimacy with you, seeking to appeal to you from the heart, you got defensive or despondent about the topic, do you realize that you have now dammed the flow of communication, removing any hope of the problem being resolved, and leaving him with zero options, hopeless, and a feeling of being trapped?

My hope is that some woman will read this and hear the pain that her husband can no longer bear to voice, and she’ll discover the love waiting for her that she never could have imagined…

Inhibitions have very little place in the husband wife sexual relationship. Honesty, patience, love giving, oneness, those are the operative words. They apply to both spouses. However, in the intimate sexual relationship they seam to be harder to demonstrate for the less interested spouse.

For some reason, the “don’t touch that” mentality carries over into marriage. Spouses need to be free to explore, without any feeling of guilt. If it is done in the spirit of love, giving and understanding, then there is nothing to feel guilty of.