I love my wife and she really is my best friend, but those feelings are balanced and often trumped my by despair and anger. I’m trying to move that into acceptance and resignation not very successfully as yet. It’s like the only way to shut that down is to shut everything down. Any real discussion of the matter on my part is met with anger.

I have a fantasy about what it’s going to be like in heaven. Some stories about heaven (and hell) suggest that it will be tailored to address the predominant shorcomings experienced in each individuals mortal life. Maybe God will gather together all the people who are writing in response to this post. He’ll gather up all the women who have a healthy libido and are longing to be loved. Then He’ll gather up me and all the other men trapped in a desert of a marriage, desperate for even an hour of intimacy…

Then he’ll take all these people and place them together on a small island paraside somewhere. And then, well, anything will be fair game

Your first reaction, if it’s like mine, is “oh my goodness, shame on you for even thinking something like that!” But isn’t that the same inhibition that feeds the taboo that there’s something “sinful” about sex and pleasure? Do we really understand that God wants the best for us in every way, even though our mortal lives “under the sun” require that much of it be deferred for the Great Beyond? Look at the Garden of Eden! “Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:32)

So whether my fantasy is pure conjecture is anyone’s guess. But fortunately, the goodness of the heart of God is a sure thing. See you there!

Hello msnobody,

You are right on the money that that comment could have read, “I just had a twinge of what it must feel like to be a PERSON with an uninterested SPOUSE.” Your comments are excellent in highlighting the fact that it’s not always the wife that’s not interested in sex. Your situation is becoming more and more common, or is now at least coming to light more and more.

I mention some of the potential causes of a lack of sexual interest in men in my reply to “dansprettygirl” below.

I can see the real frustration it can cause when we speak of sexual desire issues only in terms of the stereotypes. Those I have worked with in this situation do feel an extra degree of frustration, not only at the situation they find themselves in, but also in that it seems to be less common and even less talked about! I hope your comments and others here will help everyone see the realities that some couples face in their intimate relationships.

Hi dansprettygirl,

Yes, there are many wives that find themselves in the higher-desire position in their marriages. When others have written to me about this situation, I have often directed them to consider themselves in the position of what is usually the husband (or stereotypically the husband) as the higher-desire spouse, when seeking to apply the suggestions I teach throughout my book.

For better or for worse that angle was taken in the book in an attempt to go with the most common scenario to try to keep the writing as easy to follow as possible. I realize we must find a better way to address the spontaneous-desire vs. cultivated-desire scenario without making either spouse feel like an anomoly.

You might also want to read Michele Weiner-Davis’s book, “The Sex Starved Marriage,” which I reference in my book. And stay tuned for her upcoming book, “The Sex-Starved Wife.” It’s becoming more and more common that women are the ones that like sex, while the husband shies away for various reasons. You are definitely not alone.

I address this issue somewhat in one of our Q&As — “Husband dislikes lovemaking“. In this post I address some of the common causes of low sexual desire in men:

(1) Low tolerance for the inherent anxiety-producing nature of intimacy
(2) Unresolved conflict in the relationship
(3) Negative sexual conditioning and inhibitions, etc. regarding sex

…and I would add that pornography can also play a role in some situations.

I do think this is a situation that should be addressed. If you can’t make progress between yourselves, then I’d definitely suggest seeking professional assistance, even if he won’t go with you at first. There are things either spouse can learn to do to change the dynamics of any relationship for the better.

But yes, it should be made aware that there are many marriages out there that are backwards from the so-called “norm” where us women have the higher desire than our husbands.