I wish I had some advice or something I could say that would help you. I know people who have changed their primary love language to something other than sexual expression. I have tried to do that myself, and it has been difficult–I chose acting out as a way to “medicate” myself. That was a dead end, and just caused more damage.

Those who have changed their love language have taken up hobbies and such, and have found a great deal of happiness that substitutes for the hole left from rejection in marriage. Sad, but this was the only answer they had. Some people, as Laura indicates, don’t get to have their cake in this life and eat it too. I can’t say you are in that position, but it sounds like you are in a very sad and low place.

How is your faith with God? Are you clean and sqare with Him? Religious or not, I do know there is help from a “higher power” as I have found that out for myself. Just a suggestion as sometimes the pain can be unbearable (something I know about as well).

The book “Sex Starved Marriage” might be useful for you. Laura Brotherson’s book is also recommended. Regardless, I wish you all the hope and happiness you are able to find.

Please keep writing here if you can.

I fell hopelessly in love at first sight while on vacation. The sex was great at first, but deminished rapidly after the vows were exchanged. Gradually, she asked for and received dispensation from cuddling in bed (I generate too much heat), from snuggling on the couch (she feels claustrophobic), from holding hands (my hands sweat), and from hugs (they invade her personal space). She was never a big kisser (No, halitosis is not a problem on either side). This happened so gradually, that I didn’t even consciously realize that we eventually could some up the total voluntary physical contact time to that which occurred during sex.

I did anything and everything to make her happy and was always quick with praise, flowers, and gifts. I took on most of the housework. At several points along the way, I asked if I was doing something wrong or what I could do better or different, but was always assured that everything would be well if I just stopped hugging, kissing, touching, and cuddling. I wanted so much to believe this, that I stilled the inner voice screaming alert messages by telling myself I was just being insecure.

Though she didn’t say so, I thought the long hours at work were to blame, so I changed to a job that gave me more time at home. We had a child, and she became a stay-at-home mom. There was no financial stress from this, though. Then the strategically timed bickering started. She would wait ’til just before bed time and demand to know why I hadn’t taken out the garbage out in the morning or mowed the lawn, or failed in some other minor way to be the completely diligent domestic. It didn’t matter how conciliatory I became, she would storm off to bed in a huff. Sex all but stopped.

One day she started one of these fights about the lawn not being mowed in the evening and got all worked up. I reminded her that I had mowed the lawn that day. She still stormed off to bed. I finally tweaked. I asked her before she could pretend she was asleep what was going on and addressed the constant bickering and the fact that sex was now down to once every other month (and then only after begging) -no response. The strategically timed bickering stopped but the migraines started – every day. I was in denial. I thought she had a brain tumor and had her see specialists, but nothing helped. She continued to reassure me that the marriage was fine and that she would love to have sex, but for the migraines. Then one day after telling me she was having a terrible migraine her sister called. Suddenly she was laughing and chatting away ’til the wee hours. Finally, I forced myself to face reality.

I confronted my spouse. She told me that counseling wouldn’t help because a counselor can’t change the way she feels (or doesn’t feel). She told me there wasn’t anything I could do, that it wasn’t going to get better, and that it was probably going to get worse. she attributed the problem (a complete lack of a sex drive, and an inability to get ANY pleasure from sex) to early menopause (it’s possible but rare at age 39). I researched this problem, and found several clinical and homeopathic approaches. She refused hormone replacement therapy (HRT) due to the increased cancer risk. Even variations on HRT and homeopathic methods were rejected for the possible increase in cancer risk (she assumed there must be a cancer risk). She told me if I must have it (sex) that I should make a date a week in advance, so she could prepare herself, and get it over with as soon as possible. Like she was being asked to run the gauntlet.

The next day, I tearfully told her that I could not accept the life of a married celibate, and that sex under her conditions was more like rape or prostitution or masturbation with someone else present. I told her that after ending sex and all other forms of intimacy, our marriage was now a desert of lonliness for me. I brought up divorce. She said she didn’t mean what she said, and that everything would be ok. She made suggestions for improving things. I was always quick to bring flowers, gifts, praise, but I redoubled my efforts for I so wanted to believe this was fixable. I followed every suggestion and researched new ones. I couldn’t face the fact that our last chance had already been destroyed by making the above implied ultimatum…

Eventually, we tried again. The sex was worse than no sex at all. I felt so dirty, ashamed, and guilty. Worse, it poisoned my memories of happier times, as she clearly was faking her participation in a manner that caused me to doubt if she had ever felt any joy in sex wth me.

I spent the next 20 months in a terrible depression. I now doubt if any of my happy memories from my marriage are real or just my wishful thinking. I stopped trying to initiate sex, and cringed when she would suggest it. We’re celibate again. Our marriage is in a worsening cycle. I feel rejected, unworthy, and unloved, so I become distant and surly. She gets defensive, and rationalizes the situation as my fault.

For a while I tried to think of my wife as the maid or a really efficient nanny. Unfortunately, when I looked at her, my heart would break all over again, and I remember. But for our child I would have left long ago.

Now, I’m done. I’m ready for divorce. Truely, I am one of God’s cursed for I still love the woman. For an unsolicited carress, or a joyful and spontaneous kiss from her, I would bow down and kiss her feet in gratitude and forgiveness. But I accept now that this is not going to happen. I love my sanity and what’s left of my self-esteem too much to live like this. I can not live in grief for the next 20 years. I accept that this will alienate my child from me, and that I will be ostracized by our friends, and that I will suffer great economic hardship for many years. But it must be.

I hope this wall of text is not too depressing for you. When I read back through it, I weep all over again.

You mention that for you this has been a very positive thing to your marriage and your faith. I have also contemplated “[giving] up sex” with my wife, but my feelings inside don’t agree with that. My body and soul, physically and emotionally, have a desire to connect at that level with my spouse. When it happens, it brings me closer to my wife than anything else I have ever experienced, including spiritual aspects. Now, spiritual aspects bring me closer to GOD, but I wonder if what you are suggesting is that sex in marriage, and devotion and commitment to God, are mutually exclusive. Is it possible to have a wonderful and sexual marriage, and also be devoted to God? Also, please let me know how you made the transition into a state of celebacy. I respect your choice completey–please know that right out–and I have genuine curiosity as to how you feel about these things.

You ever wake up and look around, wondering how in the world you got where you are with your marriage? Ever wonder if you should have gotten married in the first place?

I hope these musing questions don’t bother you–but for me, they happen quite often. I struggle because I don’t know the answers to either.

Anyway, when you said you don’t believe things will change, I can really appreciate how that feels and the pain it generates. I also believe that for my marriage, and from a moral perspective, I struggle to know whether I should take my desires elsewhere. My wife doesn’t want me, or if she does, it is so sparse as to be virtually meaningless to me. Actually, it seems almost like it mocks me–the sparsity that is–as though she sometimes says to me: hey, I want you,…….maybe. Anyway, the moral questions become difficult for me. I believe in an afterlife, and it frightens me to think I will be yoked in a sex starved marriage for eternity with someone. So from my perspective, heaven (or whatever happens in the hearafter) isn’t a comforting nor desirable place to be, especially if my marriage remains the same (and I have no reason to believe it will change). So, this all puts me in a position where I wonder whats the use?…why not just cash in and look for happiness and acceptance elsewhere?

I appologize in advance if my comments seem brash or non-moral, etc. They are honest feelings. I can also empathize with the things your are going through.

I have to also mention that I have prayed that God would take away my libido. My wife doesn’t want me either, and it hurts deeply, even as much as having a child stray and make bad choices–at least for me this is true. But, you have found peace as your body has aged and “natural” affects have take place.

What did you do during the “difficult” years?

To know that a woman has sexual appitite is — frankly — kindof weird to me, but refreshing anyway.

Now, lest I give you a completely innapprorpiate message, I want you to know my heart goes out to you thoroughly. You feel tremendous pain and rejection, as though you are repulsive to your mate–the man you hoped to spend the rest of your life with in a beautiful, fulfilling, and complete relationship. That isn’t happening, and it hurts. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Oh, how I understand a little of your pain from my perspective. I reach for my wife and am rejected over and over. I can count the times on one hand where she has initiated in the past several years. I feel unwanted, undesired, and discardable. If that is how you feel, I am very sorry you are enduring that pain. I don’t like to see people hurt.

I’m sorry that this sexual mess happens to all of us. I wish to God I could find a way to get through. From what you have written, you are also quite moral in your choices. I commend and respect that greatly. My own struggles have challenged my belief in moral law, at least from my religious background. It is difficult for me to believe that the highest form of love is to endure agony indefinately, and that God wants us to sacrifice everything, including our chance for happiness, for the sake of marriage. In your case, you are willing to dig really deep and press forward. This is an example to me, and knowling a little of your pain–at least from my perspective–I can appreciate and admire the choice you have made.

I want to find ways to hold on better. I don’t know if I believe my marriage problems can be solved. I fear the future because I believe in an afterlife and that marriage can continue. Do I get to look forward to this forever? That thought puts a chill down my spine that frightenings me more than anything else I can imagine.

We kiss (sometimes passionately), she hugs me tightly, she puts her head on my shoulder in bed, and she says “I love you.” I support her, we communicate, and we’ve even talked about this. She was never abused, nor was I. Yet ever since we were married, our times of intimacy decreased. During our honeymoon 28 years ago, perhaps 2 or 3 times on a 10-day trip. These days, I’ll wait as long as I can and then take care of it myself. It’s not much, but it’s all I have.

I don’t get it. It makes no sense, and I’m not buying the “it’s just God’s will” lie that many will try to make it be. It’s not His will, I won’t accept it, and there are answers that require a bit of direct messages from others.

I’m fed up. If I could find a “friend with benefits” arrangement, I’d probably be all over it. I don’t expect it to happen, tho.