Comments on: Involuntary Celibacy http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=involuntary-celibacy Official Blog of Author and Intimacy Expert Laura M. Brotherson Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:11:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Ms. Mystery http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-7563 Ms. Mystery Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:11:48 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-7563 My husband and I divorced one year ago after a two year separation. Due to some dire circumstances, we joined households again almost 8 months ago but are still divorced. He said he would change and make love to me since he realized our divorce was primarily due to a sexless marriage. He was a heavy drinker as well and said he would quit. I am so sad that I am in this situation. He has quit drinking to the best of my knowledge but still no intimacy. I am a Christian and he is not. I wish I had not believed his "promise" to be intimate and love me. I would still have my job and apartment. He thinks I am cruel for wanting to move away from him for this reason. My husband and I divorced one year ago after a two year separation. Due to some dire circumstances, we joined households again almost 8 months ago but are still divorced. He said he would change and make love to me since he realized our divorce was primarily due to a sexless marriage. He was a heavy drinker as well and said he would quit. I am so sad that I am in this situation. He has quit drinking to the best of my knowledge but still no intimacy. I am a Christian and he is not. I wish I had not believed his “promise” to be intimate and love me. I would still have my job and apartment. He thinks I am cruel for wanting to move away from him for this reason.

]]> By: Big B http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-4084 Big B Sun, 18 Sep 2011 03:17:35 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-4084 I greatly appreciate everyone being honest about the struggle we face when our spouses have no interest in intimacy or sex. I was put up for adoption when I was 5 weeks old and finally adopted when almost 3 years old. The one thing I have wanted my entire life is to be loved passionately. The taking away of all intimacy from my wife is somehow equal to not only the death of that dream, but the murder of it. I thought I found the girl who would love me, but I was wrong. Don't get me wrong. My wife is a wonderful woman, mother, homemaker, cook, etc. But she has always had displeasure with intimacy and especially sex. She finally cut me off in March 2003 prior to my deployment to Iraq. Imagine knowing you're going to war and your wife refuses to make love to you or have any physical intimacy prior to leaving. That's something I'm still not over yet. It's an insult. She says she has multiple vaginal diseases and I totally believe her, but she has said that since the day we got married and did little to remedy the problem. She claimed that she couldn't get an appointment to see the gynocologist or that when she was examined, they found nothing. Yet she knew something was wrong, but didn't seek to find the solution until she was afraid that I might divorce her. She has always done nice things for me and I am thankful for that, but she believes that her acts of kindness will somehow repay or replace the desire and need I have in my heart for passionate and physical love. She does everything she can to avoid any discussion about sex or our marriage because she knows we can't avoid that issue. I really struggled with what to do for about 4 years and still do sometimes. I felt so rejected and hated. I'm STARVED for love! THIRSTY, HUNGRY AND EMPTY. So far I have not cheated on her with another woman. I find myself thinking about it though. There are so many women out there who are advertising themselves. I'm only an average looking guy, but even for me some women communicate a desire to "hook up". My wife tries to help relieve my frustration. The manual release she gives me is in no way intimate. It's just another chore for her to do before she goes back to work in the kitchen. About three years ago I finally gave up and told the LORD that I give up my legitmate right to sex from my wife. I thought it would cure the problem from my end, but now I lust like 98% of the time. The last few months I have been looking at porn at least twice a week and am concerned that I am addicted to it. I don't have any feeling for her at all. She's a nice person and I really respect her, but don't feel any intimate connection with her. We have three children and have joint bank accounts, otherwise we're two separate beings. We've gone to marriage counseling and retreats. I have spent years trying to come up with a solution. The ball is in her court because there is literally nothing I can do. I considered divorce, but concluded that I don't have biblical grounds to stand on. I've also prayed about it and felt an emphatic "NO" from God on two occasions. So here I suffer. I greatly appreciate everyone being honest about the struggle we face when our spouses have no interest in intimacy or sex. I was put up for adoption when I was 5 weeks old and finally adopted when almost 3 years old. The one thing I have wanted my entire life is to be loved passionately. The taking away of all intimacy from my wife is somehow equal to not only the death of that dream, but the murder of it.

I thought I found the girl who would love me, but I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong. My wife is a wonderful woman, mother, homemaker, cook, etc. But she has always had displeasure with intimacy and especially sex. She finally cut me off in March 2003 prior to my deployment to Iraq. Imagine knowing you’re going to war and your wife refuses to make love to you or have any physical intimacy prior to leaving. That’s something I’m still not over yet. It’s an insult.

She says she has multiple vaginal diseases and I totally believe her, but she has said that since the day we got married and did little to remedy the problem. She claimed that she couldn’t get an appointment to see the gynocologist or that when she was examined, they found nothing. Yet she knew something was wrong, but didn’t seek to find the solution until she was afraid that I might divorce her.

She has always done nice things for me and I am thankful for that, but she believes that her acts of kindness will somehow repay or replace the desire and need I have in my heart for passionate and physical love. She does everything she can to avoid any discussion about sex or our marriage because she knows we can’t avoid that issue.

I really struggled with what to do for about 4 years and still do sometimes. I felt so rejected and hated. I’m STARVED for love! THIRSTY, HUNGRY AND EMPTY. So far I have not cheated on her with another woman. I find myself thinking about it though. There are so many women out there who are advertising themselves. I’m only an average looking guy, but even for me some women communicate a desire to “hook up”. My wife tries to help relieve my frustration. The manual release she gives me is in no way intimate. It’s just another chore for her to do before she goes back to work in the kitchen.

About three years ago I finally gave up and told the LORD that I give up my legitmate right to sex from my wife. I thought it would cure the problem from my end, but now I lust like 98% of the time. The last few months I have been looking at porn at least twice a week and am concerned that I am addicted to it. I don’t have any feeling for her at all. She’s a nice person and I really respect her, but don’t feel any intimate connection with her. We have three children and have joint bank accounts, otherwise we’re two separate beings.

We’ve gone to marriage counseling and retreats. I have spent years trying to come up with a solution. The ball is in her court because there is literally nothing I can do. I considered divorce, but concluded that I don’t have biblical grounds to stand on. I’ve also prayed about it and felt an emphatic “NO” from God on two occasions.

So here I suffer.

]]> By: markbbb http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2864 markbbb Fri, 29 Jul 2011 14:26:59 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2864 I struggled with a low sex marriage for many years before I realised that it was God's will to humble me. I had a vain and demanding attitude to sex with my wife, and if I did not satisfy this with her I would indulge in the "sin" of Onan - OK, Onan did something different but I agree that "spilling seed" is not what God intended for men and is not the union of the flesh which glorified him in creation ( still applies even after a vasectomy!). How can you humble yourself before God if you cannot be humble in everyday things - i realised that by submitting to my wife's reduced sexual drive I would be learning a real lesson in self control and humility. So that is what we did. Now I use sex to give my wife pleasure but we deny my own urge completely until she is happy to give her approval - a very limited commodity indeed. I am much more attentive, no longer gratify myself, and pray to God so much more than when I used to use those wasted minutes honouring my own fantasies. By learning to love, serve and obey my wife, I learnt how better to love serve and obey Him. When my wife shared with me her dislike for the "mess" of sex, we also agreed that, as we were not using the act for procreation any more, she would no longer have to put up with the physical consequences of her husband's act, so we restrict my release to, well, strictly coitus interruptus or manual means. Learn to serve your low sex wife - it is great training in service and leads to a mind attuned to worship. I struggled with a low sex marriage for many years before I realised that it was God’s will to humble me. I had a vain and demanding attitude to sex with my wife, and if I did not satisfy this with her I would indulge in the “sin” of Onan – OK, Onan did something different but I agree that “spilling seed” is not what God intended for men and is not the union of the flesh which glorified him in creation ( still applies even after a vasectomy!). How can you humble yourself before God if you cannot be humble in everyday things – i realised that by submitting to my wife’s reduced sexual drive I would be learning a real lesson in self control and humility. So that is what we did. Now I use sex to give my wife pleasure but we deny my own urge completely until she is happy to give her approval – a very limited commodity indeed. I am much more attentive, no longer gratify myself, and pray to God so much more than when I used to use those wasted minutes honouring my own fantasies. By learning to love, serve and obey my wife, I learnt how better to love serve and obey Him. When my wife shared with me her dislike for the “mess” of sex, we also agreed that, as we were not using the act for procreation any more, she would no longer have to put up with the physical consequences of her husband’s act, so we restrict my release to, well, strictly coitus interruptus or manual means. Learn to serve your low sex wife – it is great training in service and leads to a mind attuned to worship.

]]> By: breaking http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2856 breaking Wed, 27 Jul 2011 17:43:56 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2856 I found this site by googling “involuntary celibacy within marriage”. I have to confess that instead of helping, it makes me feel more depressed. Due to my wife’s various health problems and more specifically, the medications that were prescribed by well meaning, but misinformed, MD’s, our sexual intimacy has been very limited for over 20 years. Over a year and a half ago, due to some new problems and meds, it stopped completely. She has absolutely no desire for me to touch her and cannot bring herself to touch me sexually in any way. She did submit obediently a few times when I couldn’t stand it any longer and placed her hand accordingly, but I have stopped doing that as it felt like molestation. I have tried everything – communication, romance, all the self help advice – she knows how I’m affected, yet she can do nothing. I read similar stories here about people who have lived like this for a decade or longer, and I am crushed. After less than two years, my ability to function in other areas of life is grinding to a halt due to this consuming void in my life. I cannot imagine going for years more like this. We’ve been married for over 30 years, I have never committed adultery (rarely even in my mind, as the Bible speaks of). Through everything, my desire has been for my wife. The pressure is indescribable. After all, my mind tells me, “she can’t help it, it’s her meds”. The Bible tells me, “be patient, pray, get closer to Christ, be more spiritual, etc.”. Yet, so much of my mental, physical, emotional, and yes – spiritual being screams “I need intimacy, love, and yes – sex.” The guilt of such desire is oppressive. Does God want me to turn myself into a eunuch via chemical means in order to remain faithful? I cannot imagine that he would. Another thing I cannot imagine is letting one’s spouse suffer like this. I know my mind – even if I had no libido, I would find some way to pleasure my wife if she so desired. In fact, that is one thing that is truly disturbing – that she has to know what this is like for me (we were very happily sexually active for many years, and also I’ve told her), yet she lets me live like this. This sounds vain, but I classify it with Paul’s description of boasting not being profitable, but sometimes necessary (for explanation); I am very hygienic, in good health, fit, and attractive for early 50’s. Still, knowing how much I am tortured with this, she cannot bear to touch me, which means the thought must be completely revolting to her. I could never be a “ships in the night” adulterer. I fell in love early and never had any regrets about never having multiple lovers. But, I am so tempted to find another person to permanently be a part of my life. I would never leave my wife. She loves me and I love her, thus making the whole situation even more difficult to fathom. I am truly at the breaking point. I don’t expect any answers to my problem here. I just had to get this out – I have no one else to share this with. I found this site by googling “involuntary celibacy within marriage”. I have to confess that instead of helping, it makes me feel more depressed. Due to my wife’s various health problems and more specifically, the medications that were prescribed by well meaning, but misinformed, MD’s, our sexual intimacy has been very limited for over 20 years. Over a year and a half ago, due to some new problems and meds, it stopped completely. She has absolutely no desire for me to touch her and cannot bring herself to touch me sexually in any way. She did submit obediently a few times when I couldn’t stand it any longer and placed her hand accordingly, but I have stopped doing that as it felt like molestation. I have tried everything – communication, romance, all the self help advice – she knows how I’m affected, yet she can do nothing. I read similar stories here about people who have lived like this for a decade or longer, and I am crushed. After less than two years, my ability to function in other areas of life is grinding to a halt due to this consuming void in my life. I cannot imagine going for years more like this. We’ve been married for over 30 years, I have never committed adultery (rarely even in my mind, as the Bible speaks of). Through everything, my desire has been for my wife. The pressure is indescribable. After all, my mind tells me, “she can’t help it, it’s her meds”. The Bible tells me, “be patient, pray, get closer to Christ, be more spiritual, etc.”. Yet, so much of my mental, physical, emotional, and yes – spiritual being screams “I need intimacy, love, and yes – sex.” The guilt of such desire is oppressive. Does God want me to turn myself into a eunuch via chemical means in order to remain faithful? I cannot imagine that he would. Another thing I cannot imagine is letting one’s spouse suffer like this. I know my mind – even if I had no libido, I would find some way to pleasure my wife if she so desired. In fact, that is one thing that is truly disturbing – that she has to know what this is like for me (we were very happily sexually active for many years, and also I’ve told her), yet she lets me live like this. This sounds vain, but I classify it with Paul’s description of boasting not being profitable, but sometimes necessary (for explanation); I am very hygienic, in good health, fit, and attractive for early 50’s. Still, knowing how much I am tortured with this, she cannot bear to touch me, which means the thought must be completely revolting to her. I could never be a “ships in the night” adulterer. I fell in love early and never had any regrets about never having multiple lovers. But, I am so tempted to find another person to permanently be a part of my life. I would never leave my wife. She loves me and I love her, thus making the whole situation even more difficult to fathom. I am truly at the breaking point. I don’t expect any answers to my problem here. I just had to get this out – I have no one else to share this with.

]]> By: kralling http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2851 kralling Mon, 25 Jul 2011 14:58:15 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2851 Thanks for the article. I stumbled across this article it was helpful. I find myself in this situation for the past 5 years. I found out my wife was cheating on me and has bi-polar 5 years ago. Since then either the medication or the situation she refuses to acknowledge this problem. I cant sleep without have nightmares or serious sexual dreams. I pretty much do not exist to her. It so hard and painful, like the person above said it becomes less about sex and more about really waiting your wife to want you and vice versa. The Lord will hopefully continue to give me grace and humility to walk through this and joy when encouraging other couples who might have a small spat but at the end of the day when the demons come to poke your wound its does get hard but it does make you rely on the Lord more than ever. Thanks for the article. I stumbled across this article it was helpful. I find myself in this situation for the past 5 years. I found out my wife was cheating on me and has bi-polar 5 years ago. Since then either the medication or the situation she refuses to acknowledge this problem. I cant sleep without have nightmares or serious sexual dreams. I pretty much do not exist to her. It so hard and painful, like the person above said it becomes less about sex and more about really waiting your wife to want you and vice versa. The Lord will hopefully continue to give me grace and humility to walk through this and joy when encouraging other couples who might have a small spat but at the end of the day when the demons come to poke your wound its does get hard but it does make you rely on the Lord more than ever.

]]> By: JustGettingBy http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2841 JustGettingBy Fri, 22 Jul 2011 18:59:08 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2841 NinaDee68, I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. It can really be emotionally crushing. If he shuts down as you say he does, I think you need to demand that he attend marriage counseling with you. Don't yell, but be firm and don't back down. I worry he will not change the longer time goes on. NinaDee68,

I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. It can really be emotionally crushing. If he shuts down as you say he does, I think you need to demand that he attend marriage counseling with you. Don’t yell, but be firm and don’t back down. I worry he will not change the longer time goes on.

]]> By: NinaDee68 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2694 NinaDee68 Sun, 26 Jun 2011 06:56:58 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2694 I am a woman who is in an involuntary celibate marriage. The loneliness I feel is crushing, even though he is physically present. I have to initiate any type of contact--hugs, quick "peck" kisses, or even just holding his hand. He barely lets me do this! In bed, when I try to snuggle with him, he seems to recoil and tells me to go to sleep. I could never imagine cheating, as I love him, and my greatest prayer would be for him to want to be with me. We are great friends, but I never planned on being married to a room-mate. I have tried to discuss this with him, multiple times, but he shuts me down. I swing between accepting my fate--maybe exploring Asceticism to somehow make my pain worthwhile, and trying yet again (unsuccessfully) to somehow make him want me. I feel I have to qualify that I am not a bad-looking woman, and what mystifies me is that we can be such great friends, sharing everything, but intimacy. I am a woman who is in an involuntary celibate marriage. The loneliness I feel is crushing, even though he is physically present. I have to initiate any type of contact–hugs, quick “peck” kisses, or even just holding his hand.
He barely lets me do this! In bed, when I try to snuggle with him, he seems to recoil and tells me to go to sleep.
I could never imagine cheating, as I love him, and my greatest prayer would be for him to want to be with me.
We are great friends, but I never planned on being married to a room-mate.
I have tried to discuss this with him, multiple times, but he shuts me down. I swing between accepting my fate–maybe exploring Asceticism to somehow make my pain worthwhile, and trying yet again (unsuccessfully) to somehow make him want me.
I feel I have to qualify that I am not a bad-looking woman, and what mystifies me is that we can be such great friends, sharing everything, but intimacy.

]]> By: clayjars http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2630 clayjars Tue, 14 Jun 2011 01:37:22 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2630 To be honest I can't imagine wanting to make love if the reason we are is because she's had counseling and thinks she should. Isn't that degrading for both of us? To be honest I can’t imagine wanting to make love if the reason we are is because she’s had counseling and thinks she should. Isn’t that degrading for both of us?

]]> By: JustGettingBy http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2615 JustGettingBy Sat, 04 Jun 2011 19:40:09 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2615 clayjars, I am no professional, but I would be concerned about a celebate marriage not lasting. You are increasing your chances of eventually drifting apart. It sounds like your situation is complicated and not just that your wife has a case of the good girl syndrome. My advice would be for you to tell your wife that this is VERY hard for you to deal with and even though you don't blame her for her symptoms, you need her to go to counseling to help work out something that will keep your marriage strong. Best of luck and do drop a note on progress. clayjars,

I am no professional, but I would be concerned about a celebate marriage not lasting. You are increasing your chances of eventually drifting apart. It sounds like your situation is complicated and not just that your wife has a case of the good girl syndrome. My advice would be for you to tell your wife that this is VERY hard for you to deal with and even though you don’t blame her for her symptoms, you need her to go to counseling to help work out something that will keep your marriage strong.

Best of luck and do drop a note on progress.

]]> By: clayjars http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/sex/involuntary-celibacy#comment-2590 clayjars Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:18:55 +0000 http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/intimacy/involuntary-celibacy/#comment-2590 I know this is an old post but...My wife has a small tumour in a part of her brain that affects several aspects of how she feels (sleep etc), one of which she believes is sexual desire. The other symptoms are treated with medicine that also dulls desire and her illness has thrown her into early menopause. The result is for several years we have rarely had sex and over time the sex we did have (every couple of months) was pretty much just "a quickie" for me. I've just turned 40 and have realised this is a turn off for me. I feel like this is just using her as a tool to masturbate and not at all “making love”. About a year ago I just stopped initiating it and consequently we haven’t had sex during that time. I feel ashamed that I’m not desirable to her I love my wife and I can live without sex, but emotionally I feel pain at our situation. I worry that a celibate marriage will contribute to us falling out of love with each other. I can feel my heart go this way and that around other women too as if I was a teenager having crushes. How safe is celibacy in marriage? I would never act on these impulses but she deserves my whole heart too so I resent them being there. Recently I’ve begun to think of celibacy as the right paradigm for my situation but is it wrong to just give up on sex or is it love to not place that burden on her? I know this is an old post but…My wife has a small tumour in a part of her brain that affects several aspects of how she feels (sleep etc), one of which she believes is sexual desire. The other symptoms are treated with medicine that also dulls desire and her illness has thrown her into early menopause. The result is for several years we have rarely had sex and over time the sex we did have (every couple of months) was pretty much just “a quickie” for me. I’ve just turned 40 and have realised this is a turn off for me. I feel like this is just using her as a tool to masturbate and not at all “making love”. About a year ago I just stopped initiating it and consequently we haven’t had sex during that time. I feel ashamed that I’m not desirable to her
I love my wife and I can live without sex, but emotionally I feel pain at our situation. I worry that a celibate marriage will contribute to us falling out of love with each other. I can feel my heart go this way and that around other women too as if I was a teenager having crushes. How safe is celibacy in marriage? I would never act on these impulses but she deserves my whole heart too so I resent them being there.
Recently I’ve begun to think of celibacy as the right paradigm for my situation but is it wrong to just give up on sex or is it love to not place that burden on her?

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