Unspoken Sexual Contract in Marriage

"I have been married for over 30 years. My wife has had no interest in cuddling, kissing, touching or sex for the last 7 years. During the two preceding years we had sex twice in one year, and once in the following year, and none since. It is very frustrating and disheartening. We made promises to each other more than 30 years ago and I am wondering if I even want to be married any more. I stick with it out of duty and commitment and honor. I gave my word.

It is so painful to be in bed with her because there is no intimacy, no cuddling, nothing. I find myself spending more time with the women at work than with my wife, because they listen respectfully to my ideas, and often ask for my opinions and advice. At night the tears trickle out my eyes on a regular basis. Oh she says she loves me, but I wonder. I really do. So to all those "good" wives out there who use sex and intimacy as a weapon, be advised as to its cost and hurt. I would like to give up caring, but I cannot. I know I am not acceptable to her because of her actions, her critiques and lack of listening to me, her dry kisses, her pushing me away on attempted hugs, etc. The bedroom is a constant reminder of failure, inadequacy and pain. I am unable to talk with her about this (or anything) without being interrupted or having my thoughts completed for me, and usually incorrectly. The sad thing is that to all on the outside our marriage looks great. But to me it is a screwed up mess."

"I fear there may be many wives who feel that the days of enjoying anything sexual are over. It seems that once the kids have come, are raised and are gone, many are happy to be done with intimacy. It even occurs with good women who are good wives. They just don't want intimacy to be helped.

I'm looking at this from a slanted, personal view because my wife and I have been married for nearly 40 years, and there has been no intimacy for many years. We've been to counseling, but any intimacy discussion is closed. To suggest reading your book or any other regarding intimacy is met with, "What, and be reminded of what a failure I am as a wife?" or "I'm not comfortable talking about this." My wife is a wonderful woman. I think much of her service to others is a form of practiced avoidance of intimacy. If I mention anything to her I'm told that "a lot of women feel this way." What can be done. I'll be retiring soon, but with our relationship the way it is, it's going to be a long retirement."

• Ask. Ask yourself, and maybe your spouse as well, what the unspoken sexual contract is in your marriage? Both husband and wife should have the mindset, "I am willing to stretch, if necessary, to meet my spouse's needs for love and intimacy." 
• Open the topic for discussion. Create an opportunity for an open and safe discussion about each other's needs for love and intimacy? Set a time, and reflect back each other's comment before responding with your own thought. If it isn't possible to talk together reasonably, write each other a letter.
• Read about common intimacy differences. Read chapter five of the book, "And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment." This chapter on sexual differences between husbands and wives can help both spouses gain greater insight and empathy into each other's thinking, feeling, and sexual functioning.
• Learn how to love each other more effectively. The new talk on CD "Love 101--Learning to Love More Meaningfully" can help you understand in a personal and profound way how to better meet each other's unique needs for love.
  

"Straight Talk Q&A" -- Marriage Newsltr #21