“I remember one evening when I could see in my husband’s eyes that he was not exactly ‘in the mood.’ The cares of the day and the weight of work pressures were heavy on his mind, not to mention the fact that he was just plain tired. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was seeing my husband the way he usually sees me, in a not- or ‘pre-interested-in-sex’ state of mind.
It was a weird sensation to be on the other side of the coin. It was a strange new concept to imagine my husband not being automatically ready and interested in sex. That’s when I realized that if there was going to be any ‘intimate activity’ that night then it would take some effort to help him shift gears from thinking ‘sleep’ to thinking ‘sex.’”
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Men Need Foreplay Too
Men need foreplay too. Foreplay is something that helps prepare the mind and body for sex. Sometimes women like to think that they have the corner on the market when it comes to needing some help to shift from daily cares to more sensual activities.
But as evidenced by this woman’s relationship, it was the husband (not the wife) that particularly needed some foreplay to get his mind headed in the right direction.
Foreplay for Both Husband and Wife
The truth is that some men are never privileged to be on the receiving end of sexual foreplay. It’s often directed solely towards the wife. Men, too, like to be touched and kissed and caressed with words and hands in order to transition into lovemaking mode and sexual arousal…especially when stressors are heavy on their mind.
It also isn’t just women who long for emotional intimacy prior to and within the lovemaking experience. And don’t think that men don’t also need the same courtesies (foreplay) throughout the day that women do. Sex does begin at breakfast for both husband and wife.
Increased Need for Foreplay
As couples age, foreplay becomes even more and more important for arousal and orgasmic expression to occur. Lovemaking may become a little less automatic and require that we be a little more intentional.
Maybe our new marital motto should be “foreplay for all.” In-bedroom and out-of-bedroom foreplay (mental, emotional and physical) applies to both husband and wife.
For years we sought help for our problems, depression was much of it but also lack of knowledge played into the challenges. Thru counseling, prayer, fasting, temple attendance commitment to marriage, faith and countless tears we are coming forth with an intact loving marriage. The one thing I wanted to share from the above article concerning foreplay has to do with what anti-depressants do to someone’s libido. Not taking the medication is not an option for some…but every marriage where physically possible, needs physical intimacy. Because of my husbands medication his libido was severely lacking. It took time for me to realize that “if it was to be it was up to me”! The world made me believe that my husband should want to instigate lovemaking. The truth was the medication was going to keep that from being reality. I could find nothing on the subject…what to do when one of the marriage partners has little desire due to medication. I needed to wrap my mind and heart around the fact that it was up to me, that it was OK for me to instigate lovemaking. Once he got aroused it was beautiful and fulfilling for both of us. Since our love life is much more fulfilling for both of us, I’m beginning to notice that he is in the mood more often because it has enriched our life together. I have learned that it’s good, healthy and normal for me the wife to want to make love and to instigate it. My husband loves me for my efforts. We have to shed our minds and hearts of those things that keep us from having a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with our spouse. Sometimes we can’t find the answers but we have to be prayerful and willing to step out of our comfort zone and do those things that will enhance in a positive and uplifting way our marriage.
I must confess that one of the difficult things I had to accept was my extra weight that I was carrying on my body made it difficult for my husband to want to have sex. This made me mad because I wanted him to love me enough that although it would be nice if I weighed less that it should not make or break our sexual intimacy…thru prayer and great humility I had to accept the fact that if I wanted to enhance our sex life I needed to swallow my pride and do something about my efforts with my body. Men more visual than women. With my spouse on medication his need for me to arouse him in healthy, loving ways was even more important. I started exercising at an increased level and eating less and have lost 19 pounds. Not only has this given me an increased confidence in myself and how I feel about my body, but also I’m more comfortable being vulnerable with my spouse and instigating lovemaking. He in turn appreciates my efforts for “us”. With my increased sense of my sexuality because of feeling healthier it has changed our marriage. I must say that he also thru exercise and healthier eating has lost 20 lbs, although he had far less to lose than me. I have 30-40lbs to go, but my sincere efforts to work at it have been worth everything! We want our spouses to love us and accept us as we are!! But when I really pondered it in my heart I had to admit to my self that if my husband were as over weight as I was that I would be very unhappy with him. It was difficult to admit that I was wrong…yes, we should love each other unconditionally but we have an obligation to be the best we can be. We are stewards over our selves and our marriage and must be willing to make changes were necessary.
moed: Thanks for your comment. On one hand, your experience is inspiring: you have taken the initiative to improve your life and your marriage. You have overcome obstacles. Instead of lamenting your condition and blaming others, you are taking responsibility and are changing your situation for the better. I love to hear of such stories.
On the other hand, and this is my own issue, I feel unable to do what you have done. There are things I can do to improve our marriage, and I will continue trying to be a better spouse, but I am afraid that the intimacy that I dream of will remain just that- a dream. I sometimes wonder if my expectations are just too high, but I don’t think that I’m unreasonable….
I don’t need foreplay to become aroused, but I do need it to feel that I’m desired and wanted and loved and that this isn’t just ‘duty sex’ for her.