Women have incredible sexual potential. Female sexuality has traditionally been minimized, but for the benefit of one’s wholeness, and for the strength of one’s marriage, an awakening of one’s sexuality within marriage becomes vital.
Sexual satisfaction may seem unimportant to the wife who has not yet made it a priority. Nevertheless, sexual development in marriage goes to the heart of one’s wholeness and personal development. It ultimately allows for the ecstasy of mutual enjoyment in marriage. This is God’s intended gift.
In order to empower women to reap the blessings of sexual wholeness and marital oneness, we must know what it is we are working toward. What are the secrets of sexually satisfied wives? If it is our intention to become sexually whole in our marriages, what are the characteristics of a sexually satisfied wife that we too can develop?
1. Likes and Accepts Herself. The sexually satisfied wife likes who she is and makes peace with herself. Having a sexy state of mind means that she can say to her husband, “I like who I am and I’m happy to share it with you!
2. Embraces sexuality. The sexually satisfied wife embraces and takes responsibility for her sexuality. She makes it a priority. She sees her sexuality as good and important not only for her marriage but also as an important part of her beingness and her wholeness. She has learned to find pleasure in the physicalness of the sexual dimension of marriage.
3. Nurtures the relationship. She nurtures the relationship with her spouse and willingly addresses issues as they arise so that they don’t grow and fester. She understands that how connected she feels emotionally towards her spouse affects how she feels sexually. She does what she needs to nurture feelings of love and friendship.
4. Overcomes inhibitions. She works to overcome the inhibiting beliefs and barriers that may keep her from enjoying the sexual relationship with her husband. She works to reprogram those thoughts and beliefs that are counterproductive to feelings of emotional connection and sexual arousal.
5. Nurtures sexual feelings. She makes it a priority to nurture sexual thoughts and feelings towards her spouse. She understands that with her unique wiring, sexual feelings and desires are more consciously acquired.
6. Sexually educated. She willingly takes an active role in getting educated about this dimension of marriage. She understands and accepts the differences in sexual wiring between herself and her husband, as well as the different paths to arousal each may experience.
7. Makes peace with her body. Sexually satisfied wives make peace with their bodies and appearance and also do what they can to look their best. They put effort into their health and appearance through exercise, eating healthily, getting enough sleep, and dressing attractively. They make the best of what they have. They also accept that there are some things they can’t change about their appearance and have learned to be okay with it.
8. Is fun and playful. The sexually satisfied wife maintains an element of fun and playfulness in the relationship. Even amidst the demands of life, she makes the effort to tease and be playful with her husband. They know each other well and enjoy each other’s presence.
9. Knows what she needs. She spends time learning and practicing together with her husband until they have identified what turns her on, and what kind of stimulation she needs to regularly experience orgasm.
10. Communicates. She’s learned to communicate with her husband without being reactive so that delicate subjects such as sex can be discussed. She’s willing to ask questions and share personal preferences to help her husband learn how to sexually engage and excite her.
11. Likes to touch. She likes to touch. Sexually satisfied wives see to it that there is plenty of touching going on in their marriage. She takes responsibility, if need be, to see that there is enough non-sexual touch and affection outside the bedroom as well as within.
12. Surrenders to the passion. She’s learned how to relax and let go within lovemaking. She is willing and able to surrender to the all-encompassing experience of sexual pleasure and is in tune with her sensuousness. While it may seem paradoxical, the sexually satisfied wife not only surrenders herself to the sensual experience but she also actively engages in experiencing and expressing her passion.
13. Takes responsibility for self. The sexually satisfied wife takes responsibility for her happiness and well-being and keeps her focus on things she can do to improve the marriage and sexual relationship. She knows that how she feels about herself affects how she feels sexually. She is regularly working on aspects of herself that she’d like to change, which keeps her from getting caught up in trying to change her spouse.
These secrets of sexually satisfied wives can show us how we too can be empowered to experience and enjoy sexual wholeness and the sexual potential God created in marriage.
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I read recently that both men and women must bring all they have to marriage bed if sexual intimacy is to approach its potential in our marriages.
So, if a man does not open himself to his partner but instead focuses his attention more on the way he is feeling and on his own impending orgasm, the couple’s sexual time together will become frustrating and unfulfilling for the wife at first and actuall the man as well in the long run.
However, if the wife does not open to her partner to magnify his desire, then intimacy can become cold and again unfulfilling, again for both of them.
I agree with this concept as presented in the book I was reading and think that this speaks to what you say about a woman’s vast sexual potential. So, as both husbands and wives we must continue to properly magnify and properly direct our sexual energies to make the marriage bed a place of deep bonding and shared love, respect, and caring, as well as one of deeply fulfilling sexual encounters.
Thanks for this blog entry. Good stuff for all of us to review and focus on.
I have read most of the book, and agree with it. However, I can not get my wife to read it.. She just looks at it as another “sex book”…. The “good girl syndrome” definitely describes her… I have also read parts of Michelle Davis book and chapter 1 describes me exactly. This condition has existed since day-1
part of the problem is that my wife does not want to think of herself as “my toy” so as a result she thinks she “gives in” and has sex frequently, but from my point of view it is rarely.
I would just die to have her play with me a little (see #7). However, when I try to play with her I get the response is that all you think about…
After reading these twelve items I can see the wisdom in them. However after the problem and approaching her with the idea of the book I would not dare.
Extermely frustrated right now….Trying to be happy with what I have.
Hi Laura
Thank you so much for this blog entry and thank you so so much for your book. I’ve been waiting for this book since we got married a few years ago. It answers tons of questions we have!
Since we live in France not everybody speaks or even read english, so can I translate into french some parts (like this blog entry) for some of my LDS friends who are looking for answers but can’t find them anywhere? It’s really really hard to find a good book about sexuality here specially when you are LDS.
Thank you for what you’re doing!!!
The importance of these twelve steps to a successful marriage can’t be overemphasized. As a husband, I witnessed firsthand the tragic results of what can happen as each of these critical points are swept beneath the rug. Since then, with a truly loving and caring spouse, we have both individually and collectively experienced the best marriage and relationship that we believe God could create. For us, each new day is a gift from God. Realizing, understanding, and practicing Dr. Brotherson’s “secrets” has contributed more to our mutual happiness than anything else in our near-perfect marriage.
Men, if there is anything you should do to clear the path for your wife’s sexual enjoyment, begin today to pave the way. Your overall marital satisfaction and most certainly your personal sexual satisfaction depends on your success in facilitating your wife’s overall marital enjoyment.