What to Do When Your Teen is Looking at Porn

Guest Post from Mike Taylor, Desert Solace

When parents discover that their teen has been looking at porn, they often react via an emotional outburst that reflects their shock and shame. Parents of teenagers should know that there is a healthy way to react versus an unhealthy and counterproductive way.

Teens are interested in sex and sexuality but many parents are unable to see their children as sexual beings. Make sure that when you discover your own teen has been looking at porn, that you react appropriately and use the experience as a springboard to meaningful conversations with your curious child.

Remember, It’s Normal

Humans have always been interested in sex and teens often participate in voyeuristic behaviors to satisfy their curiosity about sexual urges. Sex is an important part of life and teens are naturally curious, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that your teen is wondering about it.

While forms of pornography have been around a long time, in the Internet age, it is much more prevalent and easier for teens to find. How you react to the discovery could have either a positive or negative effect on your teen’s outlook on sex, which contributes to the intimate relationship in marriage. Therefore, treat the situation as you would for any meaningful encounter and make sure that your teen knows that he or she can come to you with questions.

Keep Calm and Stay Positive

For many parents, the first reaction is to yell and scream at the teenager, but this only sends your child into a shame cycle where they associate sex and normal sexual urges with negative emotions. If you feel upset, take some time to get calm before you talk to your child.

Never use emotionally charged language when talking to your teen, like “pervert,” “dirty” or “disgusting.” When you show your teen that you are approachable and calm, they are more likely to confide in your and listen to what you have to say. Parents that are out of control and express intense emotions like disappointment or anger will turn their child away immediately.

Separate Your Feelings About Sex vs. Porn

Your child should learn from you about healthy sexual expression and that sex is an important part of a committed relationship when they are adults. Be clear that your concerns are about viewing pornography, not about sex in general. Let your teen know that sexual feelings and sexual curiosity aren’t bad, but that looking at porn is not an appropriate way to get educated or to address one’s sexual feelings.

If you act embarrassed, angry or hesitant, you’ll be sending the message that something is wrong with sex and sexual feelings and your teen will internalize that. Instead, be clear and assertive when you talk with your teen about sex, emphasizing that it is a fun and fulfilling part of a mature relationship.

Explain the Potential Problems With Porn

Your child should know that pornography is a staged production and the scenes portrayed are enhanced for maximum stimulation. Let your teen know that the encounters in porn are not representative of actual or typical sexual encounters and that you don’t want them learning about sexual relationships from such an artificial source.

Your teen should also learn that exposure to explicit material can be harmful to his or her developing awareness of what is fantasy and what is reality when it comes to relationships and their views on men and women.

Finally, help your teen understand the violent nature of porn. Let them know that some porn demeans women and portrays sexual violence as okay, which is never appropriate. Once you let your teen know that porn rarely depicts real-life sexual relationships, you can help them gain the perspective of sexuality as part of loving and respecting another person.

Answer Questions and Set Rules

Let your teen know that you are open to discuss anything about sex and sexuality whenever they want. Be confident and show your teen that you aren’t embarrassed about discussing these issues. Then, discuss your house rules on pornography. Explain that you want to protect your teen’s developing brain and expanding views on human sexuality, and therefore you will implement screening software until they are more mature. Then, enforce the idea that you won’t let porn into your home for all the reasons you’ve discussed.

Healthy Talk Means Healthy Teens

It’s always better to have talks with your teen about sex, porn and other sensitive topics before they stumble across it on the computer. When you open the channels of communication and engage in healthy talk with your teen, you’ll really help them be better able to make the transition from child to adult with responsible and respectful sexual relationships.

Use this opportunity as a teachable moment to provide advice and guidance for your teen, rather than getting upset and shaming your teen into feeling like they are bad or wrong simply for being normal.

For more information on teens,  pornography, and addressing your child’s sexuality, visit Desert Solace.  

Other Resources:

• BOOK — What’s the Big Deal About Pornography? A Guide for the Internet Generation by Jill C. Manning — A great resource for teens and their parents to understand the dangers of porn and how to keep initial contact with pornography from becoming an addiction.